Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

Here's a whole bunch of stuff for you guys.

First off, as promised—new stuff for strngbedfellows!

Title: The Snape and Sands Song Drabbles
Author: das_mervin, with a guest appearance by Mrs. Hyde
Fandom: Harry Potter/Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Rating: PG-13/R for language and some sexual content
Summary: A collection of drabbles from the “Strange Bedfellows” universe, originally written for a song meme, writing one drabble for each of ten randomly selected songs. It obviously grew to more than ten songs, but it was still written for the same meme.
Author’s Notes: Some of you may have seen these before; a few that were spoiler-free were posted on das_mervin’s LJ a while back.

The Snape and Sands Song Drabbles

Secondly…

You know, I knew that Meyer had a big epic flounce over the fact that Midnight Sun was leaked. But I’d never actually, you know, read it. I tend to skim most of the things she says—they hurt me too badly otherwise. But recently, I decided to sit down and actively read her flounce.

MY GOD.

I was struck dumb. This…was unbelievable.

And guess what? It awakened my long-dormant SPORKER SIDE. The genuine sporker—not the recapper, or anything like that. No, I am SPORKING THIS BITCH FLOUNCE.



As some of you may have heard,

Some? Oh, honey—given how loudly you squealed when it happened, trust me—we all heard.

my partial draft of Midnight Sun was illegally posted on the Internet and has since been virally distributed without my knowledge or permission or the knowledge or permission of my publisher.

Yeah. It happens. I mean, it happened with Breaking Dawn. It happened with Deathly Hallows. It’s happened with countless movies. What’s so special about this one to warrant such a flounce?

I have a good idea of how the leak happened as there were very few copies of Midnight Sun that left my possession

BAM, MOTHERFUCKER!!! THERE’S YOUR LEAK!!! YOU LEAKED IT!!!!!

Don’t go blaming everybody else for this—ultimately, it was you who leaked your own work, because as a typical Suethor, you couldn’t go for five minutes without having people praise you and tell you how awesome you were, so you gave away copies of your own work before it was remotely finished just so you could hear people talk about how awesome you were.

No one to blame but you.


and each was unique.

Pfft. Were they special snowflakes, Meyer? And Midnight Sun is in no way unique—I’ve seen parts of it. It’s just a badly-done rehash of Twilight.

Due to little changes I made to the manuscript at different times, I can tell when each left my possession and to whom it was given.

(Meyer): I’m just that good. *hair-toss*

The manuscript that was illegally distributed on the Internet was given to trusted individuals for a good purpose.

Yeah—so they could praise you. Not that hard.

I have no comment beyond that as I believe that there was no malicious intent with the initial distribution.

I’d like to think that there was, simply to help drive the phrase, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me,” into your head. BECAUSE THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. Observe, my good readers:


With Eclipse coming out this summer, the publisher decided to be much more careful. Absolutely no advance copies were distributed. Still, Meyer ran into a problem.

She lent a copy to her sister-in-law, who then asked if her other sister could read it. Meyer said okay, but it soon was passed on to another sister who passed it on to a 14-year-old friend, who made a copy for her friends. And so on.

"My fans are extremely loyal, and one girl e-mailed me. I flipped out. I was horrified," she says. "I found out it was through my sister-in-law's copy, and I met with the girls. I told them I can't write with this kind of nightmare. I can't deal with the stress, so if you guys can't keep your mouths shut, I'll have to stop writing."

No one wants to be the girl who killed Twilight, so they've kept Meyer's secrets under wraps. Still, she didn't get as angry as other writers might. Showing a dazzling understanding of the teenage female psyche, she didn't just threaten them, she also made them a promise.

Taken from this interview here.

SHE. DOESN’T. GET IT.


I did not want my readers to experience Midnight Sun before it was completed,

Yeah, you can’t get the full stalker experience only halfway!

edited and published.

Had to remove all of those pesky Oxford commas first.

I think it is important for everybody to understand that what happened was a huge violation of my rights as an author, not to mention me as a human being.

Ah. I see. So, you’re likening this to something like, say, rape. I know that’s an FW law right there. Not to mention that I’m pretty sure the guy who distributed it could easily come back and say that your skirt was too short—BECAUSE AS I SAID BEFORE, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO LEAKED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

As the author of the Twilight Saga,

(Meyer): Wait, let me savor that for a few moments more… *faps*

I control the copyright and it is up to the owner of the copyright to decide when the books should be made public; this is the same for musicians and filmmakers.

Yes. That is true. AND YOU MADE IT PUBLIC. Did you know that JKR wouldn’t even let her FAMILY MEMBERS see the Epilogue for Deathly Hallows? She never made it public—not in the slightest. She kept it COMPLETELY to herself. YOU DIDN’T. You made it public—you didn’t even limit it to family members, you were just throwing it around to whoever you wanted to read it. THAT’S PUBLIC.

Just because someone buys a book or movie or song, or gets a download off the Internet, doesn't mean that they own the right to reproduce and distribute it.

I find it incredibly amusing that Meyer here is giving us the Right and Wrong speech when her books are so filled to the brim with sheer and unbridled WRONG that even the fine and upstanding Mormon morals don’t shine through.

Unfortunately, with the Internet, it is easy for people to obtain and share items that do not legally belong to them. No matter how this is done, it is still dishonest. This has been a very upsetting experience for me, but I hope it will at least leave my fans with a better understanding of copyright and the importance of artistic control.

I hope you understand how many of your fans d/loaded it so they could read it. And, hey, they probably went by the logic your main characters go by in your books! They are ACKNOWLEDGING that it’s wrong—that means it’s okay if they do it!

So where does this leave Midnight Sun?

In the crapper.

My first feeling was that there was no way to continue.

I’m sorry, my dears, but her heart will not go on.

Writing isn't like math; in math, two plus two always equals four no matter what your mood is like. With writing, the way you feel changes everything.

Don’t you go giving me lectures in writing, you goddamned hack.

If I tried to write Midnight Sun now, in my current frame of mind, James would probably win and all the Cullens would die,

Boy, that sounds GREAT! I’m all for it! Come on, finish MS now! I want you to! It’s so awesome! Plus, James is Hot and Important, and if we go by your standards, the beautiful people will ALWAYS win.

which wouldn't dovetail too well with the original story. In any case, I feel too sad about what has happened to continue working on Midnight Sun, and so it is on hold indefinitely.

So there! She’s gonna teach that person a lesson now, huh? She’s gonna punish all her fans and give all antifans what they want! Such an awesome plan.

I'd rather my fans not read this version of Midnight Sun.

If it makes you feel any better, I won’t be reading it, either. But not for the reasons you want.

It was only an incomplete draft; the writing is messy and flawed and full of mistakes.

As opposed to the writing that actually gets published…? Glowering sky, anyone?

But how do I comment on this violation without driving more people to look for the illegal posting?

Well, you could’ve taken this with grace like JKR did and just asked people not to spoil those who hadn’t read it and continued to write…

It has taken me a while to decide how and if I could respond. But to end the confusion, I've decided to make the draft available here (at the end of this message on the Midnight Sun page). This way, my readers don't have to feel they have to make a sacrifice to stay honest.

*just…rolls her eyes*

I hope this fragment gives you further insight into Edward's head and adds a new dimension to the Twilight story.

Oh, trust me. From what I’ve seen, it did. That new “dimension” made me want to go hide under my freakin’ bed.

That's what inspired me to write it in the first place.

Actually, you just wanted to circle-jerk. I saw straight through it, bitch.

I do want to take a moment and thank the wonderful fans who have been so supportive of me over the past three years. I cannot begin to tell you how much each of you means to me.

They love you! They really, really love you!

I only hope this note will stop all the confusion and online speculation so that the Twilight universe can once again become the happy escape it used to be.

Twilight ain’t no happy escape, woman. Tearing it to shreds? That’s pretty pleasing. But when I was just reading it, I continuously wanted to have a good flounce myself.

After this incredibly busy year, I am now focusing on spending more time with my

—ego—

family and working on some other writing projects.

—Stephenie

I’m surprised she didn’t give herself a whole bunch of titles or some such shit.



Anyway, as you all know, I refuse to touch Midnight Sun. My time in the barrel is only going to be Twilight through Breaking Dawn. However, Hyde hates Midnight Sun. I mean, like, A LOT. With the fury of ten-thousand suns that are not at midnight, but noon.

So that’s exactly what caused this. Hyde is recapping Midnight Sun. Hyde, take it away!

Hyde: This is all Mervin’s fault.

I’m her proof-reader/beta of sorts for her Twilight recaps and whatnot, and I enjoy reading her outrage and indignation—it makes me feel better about my suffering when I read them. But, for whatever reason, she simply refuses to read Midnight Sun. And frankly, it’s the one that makes me the angriest. New Moon broke me, yes, but Midnight Sun is just freakin’ scary.

And, well, it needs to be ripped. And if Mervin won’t do it, I guess it falls to me.



Chapter 1: First Sight

Well, we open up in, yes, first-person narrative. And while I’m not as against it as Mervin herself, it certainly isn’t my favorite style of narration. At least we are spared the annoying prologue—and I say “prologue” because those were not “prefaces”, dammit. A preface is written by the author or an outside source as themselves; a prologue is an introduction to the story within the story.

So, we open with Wardo (and yes, I intend to address him as such, because a) this is the book that totally canon’d “Growing Up Cullen”, with Wardo as the uptight prissy virgin and Emmett the awesome jock frat boy who just laughs at all of his emo BS, and b) I hate him) sitting in the high school cafeteria—right before the Fateful Biology Class. Can’t waste any time getting to the Epic Romance, now can we? And what is he doing, sitting there in the cafeteria?

Being an asshole.

Yes, you’ll find that this is a running theme. Seriously—he is sitting there being a smug, condescending bastard while listening to the thoughts of the people around him. He bemoans his fate as an eternal high-school student—something I would be able to sympathize with, if he didn’t do it in such an unsympathetic manner—and then goes off on how boring and mundane and childish all the thoughts of the people around him are. Now, Mervin and I have discussed this at length, and she has mentioned it before in her own recaps, and, as expected, it’s the same thing here. This could have been interesting. An old man, forever trapped in the body of a boy, surrounded by adolescents who, to him, are children, and he is forced to share their thoughts all day long. There are some great angst opportunities. But we don’t see that. All we see is him being disdainful and insulting about it—reeking of “oh, I’m so much better than these peons.”

And, to really just round out the situation, he brings up Bella. On the first freaking page! Everyone is obsessing over her—how mundane, Edward thinks, she’s so boring and ordinary (har de har har, I C whut U did thar, as they say), and these people are such losers for caring about her.

Not one page in and I already hate him.

Then he segues into mentioning his family, and we get yet another example of what a prick he is: “Only four voices did I block out of courtesy rather than distaste.” That’s right, folks—he doesn’t extend any courtesy to anyone else, and he doesn’t block the voices because it’s difficult to listen to or embarrassing or a mental strain—he blocks them because he finds them distasteful.



So, then we get a bit of a rundown of his adopted siblings, and what do you know? He’s a condescending jerk about them, too! Rosalie is shallow—we knew that, but so nice to know that you think so highly of her. Wardo apparently thinks of Emmett as a simple creature (which I’m sure just pisses Mervin off, because, despite displaying some unfortunately high levels of douchebag-ism, Emmett actually turns out to have a ton more common sense than Wardo, here), and Wardo doesn’t care if he listens in, because Emmett never thinks any thought that he doesn’t immediately put into action—he apparently has no private thoughts. And Emmett is Awesome, because all he’s thinking about is wanting to wrestle Jasper later.

And Jasper is just sitting there thinking about eating people. Wardo sighs about it, and I think it’s supposed to be a sigh of sympathy, but given his previous thoughts, it really just comes across as him feeling put-upon for Jasper daring to be having trouble and making him listen to it.

So, Alice calls his name in her head and they have a nice private conversation, and for some reason, the interjection preceding it really pissed me off. In Twilight we had to hear the random repetition that the Cullens’ names were all old-fashioned and out of vogue (and they aren’t, really—maybe if one of the boys had been named Evelyn and a girl Hortense, I’d agree, but not so much here), and now here we have Wardo making almost exactly the same remark. I don’t know why that makes me so mad, but it does—probably because I’ve seen original stories and fanfiction that have really great examples of alternate points of view, wherein the characters react to and remark on different events which seem totally different from the different perspectives and you really get a feel for their characters and it doesn’t just seem like repetition. This…just feels like repetition. And it feels lazy, like SMeyer can’t be arsed to write something new for this scene (which I suspect is exactly the case).

So Alice and Wardo fret over Jasper, and Wardo still comes across as put out by the whole thing—I guess he and Bella really are made for each other—and then a girl walks by and they can all smell her and it makes Jasper really hungry. There is also a remark about how Wardo feels both of their hungers, not just his own, and again, it could have made him interesting, could have made his gift a liability in some cases—could have given him flaws—but other than a few random mentions here and there, that’s really all we see of that particular aspect of his character. I can’t say that I’m surprised.

So, Jasper has a nice little fantasy about eating this random chick, and it totally reads like a rape scenario, which again could have been interesting, what with all the traditionally sexual symbolism associated with vampirism, but as the Cullens are Perfect and White and Mormon, I somehow suspect that this was not SMeyer’s intention, but only due to her crappy writing. So, rather than some creepy-ass real vampirism, Wardo just kicks him under the table, and Jasper is all contrite and that’s that. Alice tells him that her visions said he wasn’t going to do anything, which Wardo thoughtfully tells us was a lie, and then promptly switches the focus to himself and Alice. He and she apparently stick together because they are special snowflakes even among the special snowflakes due to their powers.

…yeah. Wardo/Bella?



Match made in hell.

And then, if all that wasn’t bad enough, SMeyer drops this little line on us:


“It helps if you think of them as people,” Alice suggested.

*sputters* What?! It helps?! Meaning you don’t normally think of them as people?! WTF if this?! And we’re supposed to think that the Cullens are noble and self-sacrificing for not eating humans because it’s wrong, and come to find out they don’t even think of them as people?!

Self-sacrificing my ass!

Seriously—knowing what I know about the other books, this only reinforces my conviction that they don’t eat animals because it’s the right thing to do, they just do it so they can be a bunch of smug, self-satisfied bastards and lord their supposed superiority over everyone they meet.

So I gave myself a moment to recover from that, skimmed over Wardo being condescending about Jasper for a few lines more, glossed over some reference to his siblings all being soulmates of some kind with one another, like the good little Mormons they are, and then he hears his name.

Not out loud, mind, just in someone’s thoughts, and when he turns, he gets his look at Bella, and we have to hear him describe her. Not in nauseating detail, thankfully, but still in obviously flattering terms. And then I got mad because he remarks that her face was “foremost in every human head today”. Yeah—I really, really hate Sue clichés, and the “everyone obsessing over the new girl” is right up there on My List.

So we get our first indication that Bella is OMGYOONEEK when Wardo here realizes that it wasn’t Bella’s thoughts he just heard, but rather Jessica’s. And guess what he does next? Why, be a condescending asshole! He refers to Jessica as a “bother” and “annoying” and is smugly amused by her former crush on him, complete with a “oh, as if I’d ever want anything to do with her like that”. It’s disguised as him considering himself to be too dangerous for any human girl, but I think we all know what it really is.



So we get to hear all of Jessica’s thoughts—she’s mildly insulting to Bella for no real reason other than some pretty standard Scary Sue jealousy, and Wardo expounds on how “petty” and “trivial” and “inane” her thoughts are, and then he leans over and is smugly amused to Emmett by how everyone in the school watches them and is interested in them and wants to know all about them (which completely—and as usual—contradicts Wardo going on about how people tend to be wary of them and avoid them). Emmett laughs about it, and I don’t know if it’s just me, that I hate Wardo that much, or if Emmett really is just that Awesome, but his words in reply just come across as more natural and not so prick-y as his dear brother.

Except, of course, that he immediately wants to know what Bella thinks of them—clearly, not even his Awesomeness is enough to shield him from the Sue’s spell.

Wardo then takes a break from the story, turns to the audience, and tells us that he is sort of an early-warning system for the family—that sometimes people get suspicious and then they have to bow out before they get caught. He’s condescending about it, of course, and then the subject—both his role and the possibility and repercussion of them being found out—is promptly dropped. Really, it’s just his excuse for why it’s his duty to snoop in people’s heads. I guess his sneaking into Bella’s house at night fits with the rest of his personality.

So, he snoops, and despite being able to hear Jessica being “frivolous” and “babbling”, he—GASP—still can’t hear anything! We get an annoying description of how he can read the emotions on her face (pfft—if the four books from Bella’s POV are anything to go by, she’s got the emotional range of Keanu Reeves as Klaatu) but can’t hear anything from her head, and then he had to go and piss me off more by noticing that here eyes are “odd, because of the depth to them”. Yeah, that’s it, SMeyer—ramp up those clichés! Seriously—who the hell notices people’s eyes first thing—and like that?! And then just to use it as a means for the “hero” to notice her and remark on how she stands out and is a special snowflake—yeah. I think I’m going to have to be borrowing Paul from time to time, if this goes on at this rate.

So Wardo kicks up the snooping a notch—he’s uneasy because he can’t see in her head, which frankly creeps me out, because he comes across as thinking that it’s his right to see into people’s heads. But then I just got mad again, because of the one-two punch that SMeyer lands in my gut. First, Wardo’s gift? It’s not to sense thoughts or emotions or be privy to people’s minds—it’s simply to hear dialogue. There is really no emotion, no sense of the personality behind them, no reference to Wardo feeling what they feel or experiencing life through their eyes—all of which could have been interesting. No—he literally just hears italicized dialogue as if they are speaking aloud, and that’s it. And it makes me very angry, because I have to watch what could have been a neat idea and a source of conflict for a character be pissed down the drain by an incompetent writer.

No, an incompetent Suethor—and I can say that, because guess what all this bad mental dialogue is about? You guessed it—Bella Freakin’ Swan. Every person, every thought that he hears, is about Bella. The boys want her and just think of ways to kowtow to her, and the girls are all jealous and insulting towards her. Wardo even comments that they are obsessing over her—hello, SMeyer, anybody home? *raps on skull* Think, SMeyer, think! This isn’t normal!

Since he can’t hear her in his mind, Wardo has to resort to eavesdropping the normal way—or, at least, mostly normal, since he has super hearing and all. And I get that same infuriating sense of déjà vu over it, too—SMeyer is just C&Ping stuff from Twilight and trying to hide it by interjecting some random smugness from Wardo and hoping I won’t notice.



Yeah, I noticed.

So, true to form, Bella is already obsessing over Wardo, who is fast on his way to obsessing over her and her shyness (yeah, right—and SMeyer, it’s a sad day when finding Airhead parallels actually improves reading this) in between his bouts of pomposity and commenting that none of the girls here appeal to him, as is evident by a sudden, random, and stupid urge to protect the poor innocent Bella from the underlying nastiness in Jessica’s thoughts. And, knowing what I know about his idea of “protection”, that creeps me right the hell out.

He spends a little more time eyeing her and describing her, and the details to which he goes is edging into the nauseating territory, and the C&Ping is to the point that even he describes Bella’s skin as “translucent”, just as she did for herself in Twilight. I’m sure that will make Mervin happy.

Wardo gets all pissy that he can’t hear her (which was really pretty funny, in that despite all his assertions that he’s an adult and above all these high school mendicants, he’s pretty much just throwing a tantrum here), and then makes several ham-fisted, dead-herring style comments about how mundane and unexceptional Bella is, so we can all sigh in rapture (or groan in agony) when later he is waxing poetic about how speshul and yooneek she is. Shortly after, all the Cullens decide to head out to class, with Wardo leaving on the ominous thought that, despite the fact that the new girl is clearly boring and unimportant and not worth the effort (sing it, brother—oh, God, what did I just call him?!), he will find a way to get inside of her head, dammit. And that’s not at all creepy.

So we all head off to class, and Wardo again insists that Bella Swan isn’t interesting enough to hold his attention (he’s kind of like people who, upon being featured on Fandom_Wank, write at least five 10,000-word posts on their LiveJournal of how much they simply do not care that people are mocking them), and we’ve been told that enough that it’s sliding away from dead herring status and to more of “Wardo’s an asshole” status. Which is only confirmed when he goes into Biology and starts insulting the teacher’s intelligence and going on about how smart he is, with his two graduate degrees in medicine.

…yeah. About that. He looks seventeen? Explain to me exactly how he managed to fool people long enough to get a college undergraduate degree and then for the four more years it would take for him to get a PhD or an MD. Looking like a child-prodigy in med school is blending in? Right.

So Wardo tells us all about how vampires are attractive to people, but they’re smart enough to stay away, and he’s condescending about that too, not to mention that for all he tells us that, he sure doesn’t show us—all we see is how everybody in the school wants to jump their bones. Then Wardo revels in his superior knowledge as compared to all the other students, and SMeyer once again pisses me off by taunting me with possible angst about Wardo not being able to sleep, but rather than making it some good vampire angst, he just comes across as, you guessed it, a whining asshole.

Bella shows up with Angela, and Wardo tosses Bella a moment of pity for having to sit next to him before going back to thinking that, despite the fact that he’d find nothing of interest to him in her empty head (and gawd, but how it pains me to agree with him), he now has the whole semester to “flush out her secrets”, and I just know that he was rubbing his hands together and cackling at the thought.

And then—WHAMMO! It’s Bella, and she smells like BACON!!



And then, as you all know, Wardo spends a whole four pages describing in loving detail how he plans to kill everyone in the room so that there are no witnesses to him eating on Bella like there was no tomorrow. And I’ll admit—there are some decent points in the writing, a bit of good description, only…it doesn’t work.

There isn’t a whole lot I can say about the scene other than that. It’s clearly supposed to be tense and frightening, but it just…isn’t. Maybe in third person, it might work, but this is supposed to be intimately showing us Wardo’s thoughts and desires and motivations, and he’s supposed to be under stress and nearly driven mad by her scent, and yet…SMeyer doesn’t deviate in the slightest from the pompous, dry, toneless narration that she’s been using up ‘til now. She tells us what Wardo is feeling, but frankly, we don’t ever really feel it ourselves. It’s just…boring.

And then it rapidly becomes infuriating, because what is it that stays his hand from snapping Bella in two like a toothpick and draining her dry? Come on—I know you all know from Mervin’s sporkings.

Carlisle.

He goes on and on about the monster inside of him, but doesn’t stop himself from killing Bella because it’s wrong, but just because he doesn’t want Carlisle to think badly of him. The monster isn’t monstrous because it would make him a murderer, but because it would disappoint his daddy.

Yeah, you’re reformed, all right, Wardo—just like Gary Ridgway.

And this is when the “WAH, HE DOESN’T LIKE ME” thing comes in. Wardo gets mad and blames Bella for his reaction—again, this could be realistic and managed well in the hands of a competent author, as it’s often a human reaction to blame someone else for your problems, but, well, we clearly don’t have one of those. So Wardo just comes across as whiny and pissy and appears to be having himself an epic flounce—which basically just amuses me, given the unfinished work in question that we’re discussing here.

So we endure four more pages in this vein, Wardo hating on Bella, arguing with himself about not being a naughty boy, and thinking about nomming on her, and it’s still boring, to the point that I actually started skimming, and it wasn’t just the effect of me already knowing what would happen from TW, because I know that can be done by a good writer. Seriously—I just could not work up any tension or enthusiasm for this scene (aside from the obvious fantasizing of Bella being devoured in an orgy of blood). SMeyer just…isn’t a good writer. Sorry.

So, class finally ends, and we and Wardo are both intensely relieved, and Wardo does in fact flounce right out of the room and goes out and hides in his car. He sits in there and listens to music, probably Morrissey or The Cure or some other emo crap, whines to himself about why Alice didn’t use her powers to see him misbehaving, because surely her life should revolve around him just like everyone else’s revolves around Bella’s, and then he is all ashamed of himself—but again, it comes off that it’s just because he doesn’t want them to think badly of him, not because what he was thinking of doing was wrong, or anything. He’s fine with the eating—just so long as the people he likes still like him.



So he gets a grip on himself (and just to spite SMeyer, I like to think that what he was gripping was in his pants) and then goes in to talk to the secretary about switching classes. Wardo is, surprise surprise, smug and condescending to her, gives us a nice gratuitous reference to how shallow her brown eyes are for comparison to Bella, and the readers are treated to some unpleasant mental dialogue from the middle-aged secretary about her lusting after Wardo—again, something that could have been used to turn his gift into a curse or weakness, but he really just uses to snoop in people’s thoughts and use them to his advantage in order to get his puny way (that, and one good Sue deserves another—boys and men of all ages lust after Bella, girls and women of all ages lust after Wardo).

But his lame and badly-written sex beam is interrupted when DUN DUN DUN—he smells bacon again! It’s Bella! And we’re treated to yet another dry and methodical list of all the ways he’s going to kill everyone and eat her, and it’s just as boring and lacking in tension as it was before. I imagine him saying/thinking all this with about the same inflection as Hayden Christiansen in his Episode II love scenes. And again, the thought of what he was going to do to the people in question doesn’t stop him—just Carlisle does.

He has no conscience. None. At this point, I’d even settle for a cricket—just some sort of moral compass beyond this. All he cares about are what the other vampires think—humans really don’t enter into it. But, since he apparently doesn’t think of them as people, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. And this is supposed to be Our Hero.

Wardo manages to get a grip again (heh—now isn’t that a funny image, with my previous thoughts?) and runs away and out to his Volvo, where all the rest of the Cullens are waiting. Emmett is awesome, because he swears (as much as anyone can in this nice little Mormon world) and was still thinking about wrestling and really not paying much attention to Wardo’s little hissy. Then Alice annoys me, because she and Wardo use their gifts to speak in half-conversations that come across as rude and deliberately exclusive.

Turns out she’s seen that Wardo is leaving—or that he’s going to stalk Bella back home and break into her house after her.

Well—guess those visions of hers are accurate after all!

Wardo dumps them all out on the side of the road and speeds away—apparently he should tell Carlisle himself, although why I have no idea, and then he rushes away. Alice slightly redeems herself in my book by actually thinking of the people he was going to harm—she thinks of Chief Swan, and that it would hurt him to lose his daughter…but no mention of Bella, I noticed. But, as I’d actually prefer it if she died, I won’t hold it against her.

And on that note, with Wardo flouncing away up to sulk with the penguins, the chapter ends.

See you all next time with Chapter 2: Open Book!



( Chapter 2 - Open Book )



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