Onward and upward!
Chapter 13 – Killer
Not a good sign when the chapter title prompts me to start singing “Thriller”, only with the word “killer” used instead.
*singing quietly to herself* Killer! Killer night! Girl, I can kill you more than any vamp could ever dare try!
Bella begins the chapter by driving out to La Push, thinking to herself “if it was anyone but Jacob”. Before you can wonder just what the hell she’s talking about, she tells you—she is going to La Push to warn Jacob about her father and his hunting companions running around trying to shoot them. So, there’s your explanation—if it weren’t Jacob, she’d let them be shot. Why, you ask? Well, here you go.
I couldn't condone what Jacob and his friends, his pack, were doing. I understood now what he'd said last night—that I might not want to see him again—and I could have called him as he'd suggested, but that felt cowardly. I owed him a face-to-face conversation, at least. I would tell him to his face that I couldn't just overlook what was going on. I couldn't be friends with a killer and say nothing, let the killing continue… That would make me a monster, too.
Excuse me. Yes, me, in the back—the one wearing the “Where the Wild Things Are” t-shirt.
Um, aside from all the stuff I pointed out at the end of Chapter 12, you know, all the stuff that is easily seen and not hidden, and surely anyone as smart as you claim to be could figure it out, why do you absolutely refuse to acknowledge and/or remember that your sparkling loverboy Wardo killed and ate people? And it’s not like he turned into a raging monster periodically, like werewolves to—no, he was in complete hold of his senses and ran off intentionally to go eat people because he believed Carlisle was wrong for thinking they should eat animals. Wardo has killed and eaten people. It’s only been brought up once, and you showed no disapproval or horror upon finding out that he did. Edward shows remorse after the fact, implying that while he was gallivanting about, eating people willy-nilly, he was having a grand time. Jacob obviously hates what he is, implying that he hates that he is murdering people (which we know he isn’t, but we’ll humor her).
So, I guess the main thing I’m asking is this—why is it “only natural” when Wardo has drives to kill and succumbs to them, but it’s monstrous and horrible when Jacob does?
Anyway—where were we?
So, Bella arrives at the Blacks’ house, all pinched and irritated, and thinks that it is “bad enough that [her] best friend [is] a werewolf. Did he have to be a monster, too?” Pardon me—bad enough? So, being a werewolf is horrible and bad, but being a vampire isn’t? Of course not! Because being a vampire makes you white and beautiful
Yeah, get used to seeing that picture, folks. I have a feeling I’m gonna be doing that a lot.
She gets out of the car and notices that the house is dark, but, because she’s an inconsiderate bitch, she pounds on the door, hoping to wake them up. Fortunately, Billy’s already up and tells her to come in. When he sees her, his eyes bug out, and then “his face turned stoic”. Great—yet another person who doesn’t understand the definition of “stoic”. Well, let’s get ourselves a definition, shall we? ‘Kay, stoic is being used as an adjective here, describing Billy’s face…here’s what Dictionary.com had to say.
adj. also sto•i•cal (-ĭ-kəl)
Seemingly indifferent to or unaffected by pleasure or pain; impassive: "stoic resignation in the face of hunger" (John F. Kennedy).
See? JFK could use it properly—why can’t you?
While stoic does mean “impassive”, Meyer, it has very specific connotations, assuming you know what that word means. Those connotations are not what you are implying Billy is doing here. Billy is masking his shock and trying to hide something—that’s more along the lines of “casual indifference”. Somebody who is stoic is putting on a front in the face of something onerous—
Wait a minute. Never mind—you used it properly. Anybody who can endure Bella’s company without complaint is definitely of the stoic variety. My apologies, Meyer.
Billy asks what she’s doing up so early, and she tells him that she needs to talk to Jacob. Billy says that he doesn’t know where he is, and Bella promptly tries to corner him by saying that Charlie and his buddies are off hunting giant wolves, and reiterates her request to speak to Jacob. Well, Bella’s just too clever for Billy and he caves immediately, saying that he’s probably still asleep and, as he stays out a lot these days, she really shouldn’t wake him. Bella doesn’t give two shits about that, and barges into Jacob’s room without knocking and slamming the door into the wall probably hard enough to put the knob through the drywall, and there’s Jacob, zonked out on “the double bed that took up all of his room but a few inches around the edges”. If that’s the case, how did Bella dramatically slam the door open? How does Jacob even get out of his room? And why do they have a double bed in the first place? If they’re so poor
So, Bella’s dramatic entrance is slightly marred by the fact that Jacob doesn’t even move and stays fast asleep. Suddenly, the sight of him there, all sleepy and peaceful and looking very tired, she takes pity upon him and steps back out. Now, continuing to operate under the guise that we don’t know he’s not REALLY killing people, Bella basically just went like this: “Aww, poor guy—so tired from all those long nights of killing innocent hikers. I’ll let him sleep.”
Bella tells Billy that she’ll let Jacob rest, biting back the question of how Billy can just sit by and let his son be a terrible murdering monster. I think it’s because he hopes Jacob will eventually kill you, Bella. Anyway—Bella wanders down to the beach, thinking that, if Billy doesn’t tell Jacob she’s here, “[she’d] tried, right?” So, she sits there on the beach, pondering and being introspective and thinking about her own speshulness. Then she says this:
Seeing Jacob like that—innocent and vulnerable in sleep—had stolen all my revulsion, dissolved all my anger. I still couldn't turn a blind eye to what was happening, like Billy seemed to, but I couldn't condemn Jacob for it either. Love didn't work that way, I decided. Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore. Jacob was my friend whether he killed people or not. And I didn't know what I was going to do about that.
When I pictured him sleeping so peacefully, I felt an overpowering urge to protect him. Completely illogical.
That’s…that’s sick, is what that is. There is something terribly, terribly wrong with this person—wrong with Meyer, and this sort of thing is the #1 Reason you should not do SI Mary Sues. It’s Gethsemane Butler, is what it is, in her role of Victoria Harker or whatever Sue she happens to be playing at the time. Remember how, even though the people she latches onto happen to be stark raving mad or psychopaths or ruthless killers or stalking bastards, she, through her “love” for them, stands by them anyway and never turns them in and even assists them. This is no different.
Now, I think it’s safe to say that Bella suffers from a profound and probably incurable case of hybristophila. However, as I said above, because Bella is basically everything Meyer wants to be and is her self-insert and vehicle for all of her beliefs, Meyer suffers from the same thing.
However, I shouldn’t be surprised about this—remember how it was “only reasonable” that Edward wants to kill and eat people? Still don’t understand why it isn’t “only reasonable” for these guys—guess it’s because they’re Not White.
So, Bella broods, and then Jacob sneaks up on her and Meyer beats us over the head with how silently Jacob is able to move. Jacob stands all silhouetted and imposing, and congratulates her upon figuring out his secret. However, he easily reads her expression and gets nasty, telling her she should’ve just called and demands to know why she didn’t. She replies that she “thought it would be better face-to-face”. Fortunately, Jacob, like us, sees the ridiculousness of this and is derisive. Bella tries to get out her warning, but Jacob informs her that his pack are already well aware of their existence and to not “worry about it”. Bella is rather belligerent, telling him that they’re armed and hell-bent upon killing him and his friends, prompting Jacob to growl that they “can take care of themselves” and that “they’re not going to catch anything. They’re only making it more difficult—they’ll start disappearing soon enough, too.” Now, if it wasn’t so blindingly obvious that Jacob is not killing anybody? This could’ve been believable dialogue setting up a misunderstanding. Unfortunately, we all know Jacob’s not responsible for the deaths and that Bella’s an idiot. Moving on. Bella chides him and is revolted, telling him that Charlie’s out there and that he shouldn’t be doing this because he knows them. He asks her just what else he’s supposed to be doing. Then we hear a random description of the clouds. So, now that the color of the clouds has been established—I’m sure you all were wondering—Bella asks Jacob if he could “try to not be a werewolf”. Jacob yells at her that he has no choice in the matter (seriously—did you really think he did? Why don’t you try asking Wardo not to be a vampire for a change, Bella?), and that him not being around wouldn’t help anybody, especially those who are disappearing. Then Jacob gets mad when Bella acts dimwitted and calls her a hypocrite (she is) for being scared of him but not scared of Wardo, saying that he “can’t be the right kind of monster” for Bella and is “not as great as a bloodsucker”.
Bella gets all indignant and snidely agrees with him then goes all deep on us, saying that “it’s not what you are, stupid, it’s what you do”. “Stupid”, Bella? Really? Is that going to cut a werewolf to the quick? Apparently so, as Jacob goes all RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE on us. And then Imaginary!Wardo shows up. And you know what? I think he warrants Paul, here. Just on principle.
Anyway—Imaginary!Wardo tells her to calm Jacob down, and Bella tells us this: “I listened to him, though. I would do anything for that voice.” Yes, Bella. We know. Believe me—we know.
Bella switches tactics—rather than being belligerent about it, she says that it’s not necessary to commit murder and that they should give surviving without killing people a try, and I just want to shake her, because if one were go to on the assumption that these werewolves are similar to movie!werewolves, THEY DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER THEIR ACTIONS, YOU STUPID BINT. However, Jacob just looks up, all shocked, and says that he thought they “were talking about [her] disgust for werewolves”, which we’ve already seen Bella remark that it’s Not Awesome like vampires, but she doesn’t bring that up and instead tries to convince the audience that she doesn’t care about him being all wolfy and stuff, just about the murders. Jacob starts grinning, and we can see this coming a mile away as he starts laughing, Bella gets mad, Jacob runs over and hugs her, and then this happens:
He let me go, but took both my hands. "I'm not a killer, Bella."
I studied his face, and it was clear that this was the truth. Relief pulsed through me.
"Really?" I asked.
"Really," he promised solemnly.
I threw my arms around him. It reminded me of that first day with the motorcycles—he was bigger, though, and I felt even more like a child now.
Like that other time, he stroked my hair.
"Sorry I called you a hypocrite," he apologized.
"Sorry I called you a murderer."
1) The Almight Man Hath Spoken, and thus Bella believes it without question, never mind that she hasn’t heard any kind of proof to suggest otherwise (other than the obvious, of course).
2) She’s still a hypocrite, Jacob. Observe:
Bella upon finding out that Edward is a vampire: Man, I’d like to tap that.Because keep in mind, folks, she did not know that Wardo ate only animals—all she knew was that Wardo was a vampire, and what is it that vampires eat? Oh, that’s right—people.
Bella upon finding out that Jacob is a werewolf: ZOMG MURDERER!!!!
So, yeah, Jacob—the word “hypocrite” still stands.
Jacob then reassures Bella that none of the others are killers, either, and reminds her that they are PROTECTORS, and we readers smack Bella upside the head for not connecting the dots despite the fact that she claims to be SOOOOO smart and remembered the stories and legends Jacob told her that day word for word. Then we smack her upside the head again when she vapidly asks just who is killing all the missing hikers. Jacob patiently and slowly—so as not to confuse her—explains that werewolves only have one enemy when she stupidly suggests that maybe they’re out trying to hunt for a bear. Then she FINALLY gets it and realizes that there is a vampire out there. The readers breathe a sigh of relief that she finally gets it—and then we slam our heads back down on the desk repeatedly when she thinks it’s Laurent.
HEY, NUMBNUTS!!! REMEMBER THAT BIG BRAIN YOU KEEP GOING ON AND ON ABOUT???!!!! USE IT!!!!!
Bella tells him who Laurent is, and then berates Jacob for even thinking about going after a vampire, because surely he doesn’t understand how DANGEROUS vampires are, and that Laurent could’ve easily killed them, and now I’m just gonna sit over here and drink vodka and orange juice, because this is just horrible. I only read Twilight once, meaning I only read the legend scene once, and I apparently remember it much better than Bella does—you know, the one who claims to remember it word for word.
Jacob interrupts her and says that getting rid of Laurent was easy, and that he “doesn’t count that towards the whole murder thing. Vampires don’t count as people”. And boy, Meyer is really beating us over the head with this prejudice crap, because I know for a fact she’s going to use it later to make sure that Jacob being prejudiced and bigoted against vampires gives Wardo and the rest of her precious vampires the high ground and makes them better—bullshit, says I. The vampires are prejudiced against the werewolves for pretty much no good reason, which I will get into at a later date. Just wanted to get that off my chest, though.
So, Bella is all shocked and stunned that they killed Laurent, and Jacob worries momentarily that he might’ve killed a friendly vampire by accident, even though he was clearly going to kill Bella. Bella replies that no, she’s just relieved because now she doesn’t have to worry about Laurent coming to get her, and that she’s been worried about him sneaking into her window every night and killing her…and…killing Charlie…and…
Yeah, I assume you all see what the problem of this is, right?
Um, Meyer? I believe you have forgotten your own canon—Bella was worried about VICTORIA this whole time. Laurent never even entered the picture. *sighs*
Where was I? Oh, yes. So, Bella asks just how a bunch of overgrown wolves could possibly kill a god. And no, I didn’t strike that out and add in “vampire” on purpose, because Bella thinks of the vampires as gods. And so does Meyer, for that matter. Jacob tells Bella that the werewolves were pretty much designed to be vampire killers, and then she brings up the misunderstanding that she browbeat us with previously when Jacob was in her room—he said it wasn’t safe to be around her. She assumed—and really tried to get the audience to assume, too, but it didn’t work—that the reason for that was because he knew a vampire was coming around. So, Jacob corrects her by informing her that whenever he has RAAAAAAAAAAAAGE, he might wolf out and attack her. Bella stupidly thinks about that for a moment and finally puts the pieces together and realizes that whenever she made him mad, he might’ve wolfed out. Thanks for joining us, Bella. So, then she says that Jacob “[doesn’t] need a full moon”, to which Jacob replies “Hollywood’s version doesn’t get much right”, to which I reply “Meyer, it’s really not nice at all to put other people’s versions of supernatural beings down in order to boost your own—especially considering that your version of vampires SPARKLES.”
So, Jacob goes on to reassure Bella that he and his friends are keeping an eye on Charlie and everybody else and that they won’t let anything happen to them. And then Bella speaks for the audience and says that “something very, very obvious, something [she] should have grasped at once…occurred to [her] only then” and remembers the vampire she’s been panicking over this entire time—you know, the one that was the REAL threat. Or, rather, we draw it out for a page before mentioning her name. Jacob wonders just what this weird female wants, and is confused because they killed Laurent and they apparently think he was her mate and, because the vampires are Mormons, “they usually get pretty pissed off if you kill their mate”. Never mind that, you know, ANYBODY would get mad if somebody killed off a loved one. So, Jacob blabbers on, wondering very loudly about what this female vampire wants, and I’m once again screaming, “GET ON WITH IT,” and that’s about when Bella gets the vapors and faints at the mere THOUGHT of Victoria prowling around the Forks area.
“Ariana, dear.” Madame Rosmerta called from the bar. Ariana got up to go see what she needed. “I have a letter here for you.”
“A letter?” she asked, confused.
“I know, I think its strange too. But I don’t ask questions, I just deliver it. It was left by that man who left a few seconds ago.”
“Well, thank you.” Ariana said. She undid the envelope as she rejoined her friends.
“What’s that?” Neville asked as Ariana leaned against the table.
“Dunno. Letter came for me here.”
“Well that’s odd.” Harry said. “What’s it say?”
“Would you hold on, I’m trying to find out.” Ariana said, unfolding the letter. She read it silently, then gasped and fainted.
“Is she okay?” Ron asked as Neville got down next to her. “What happened?”
“Must have been the letter.” Hermione said as everyone crowded around her.
Contents of the letter being that Ariana’s guardian has been murdered. Quote from “Ariana and the Empath’s Power”.
Ariana Black and Stephenie Meyer—separated at birth? You decide.
So, after she passes out, Imaginary!Wardo makes a big scene in her head at the mere mention of Victoria’s name, which makes him even MORE implausible, stupid, and just out-and-out BAD WRITING!!!!
So, Jacob paws pointlessly at her, and Bella moans and groans and garners more attention for herself and acts generally helpless because it means that Jacob will hold her, and Bella can’t walk on her own without a big strong man to support her. Jacob does not disappoint, so Bella keeps ratcheting up the Helpless Female persona and flails around and I just want to shake her and slap her and tell her to grow a goddamned spine like Vito Corleone did to Johnny Fontane. Bella continues to whimper and just generally be a big giant pussy until Jacob gets down to business and shakes off her “Pity Me!” call and tells her to tell him everything she knows about Victoria. Well, that pisses Bella off, because dammit, this story’s about HER, and therefore, he’d better just concentrate on HER! So they have this conversation:
He pulled my face around, holding it steady in his big hand. He stared intently into my eyes. "Did he tell you anything else, Bella? This is important. Do you know what she wants?"
"Of course," I whispered. "She wants me."
His eyes flipped wide, then narrowed into slits. "Why?" he demanded.
"Edward killed James," I whispered. Jacob held me so tightly that there was no need for me to clutch at the hole—he kept me in one piece. "She did get… pissed off. But Laurent said she thought it was fairer to kill me than Edward. Mate for mate. She didn't know—still doesn't know, I guess—that… that…" I swallowed hard. "That things aren't like that with us anymore. Not for Edward, anyway."
Jacob was distracted by that, his face torn between several different expressions. "Is that what happened? Why the Cullens left?"
"I'm nothing but a human, after all. Nothing special," I explained, shrugging weakly.
Something like a growl—not a real growl, just a human approximation—rumbled in Jacob's chest under my ear. "If that idiot bloodsucker is honestly stupid enough—"
"Please," I moaned. "Please. Don't."
Well, that pretty much had everything, didn’t it?
- “Look at me!”
- The Goddamned Hole™
- “Pity me!”
- “Oh, woe is me, I’m a pitiful human, why would Wardo ever want me?”
- “I’m also the dumbest human alive, because I honestly believed that little song and dance routine he did before leaving to convince me that he didn’t want me anymore!”
- “Oh, baby, don’t say that! You’re way too good for him!”
- “Ditch that zero and get with a hero!”
Meyer does put a lot of effort into irritating us beyond belief, doesn’t she? I shant use Paul—I’ve used him three times already, and that just makes me facepalm.
Jacob gathers Bella up (fortunately, he doesn’t carry her) and says that the others have to know. Bella asks what they’re going to be doing, and Jacob says that he needs to call a meeting. He tells Bella to wait by her truck and skips away into the trees. The minute he’s out of sight, Bella hyperventilates. Bella, they’ve got medication for anxiety and stress, you know. I think you should look into it. But she ignores me and hops into her truck and locks the doors, and then spends a while talking about how there is no way the werewolves could possibly kill a vampire, essentially ignoring what Jacob just told her about them killing Laurent, not to mention that, if Victoria really were the indestructible force you keep nattering on about, she wouldn’t be avoiding the werewolves—she’d just tear through them like tinfoil. Her reasoning, though, for believing the vampires to be indestructible, you ask? BECAUSE EDWARD SAID SO. There you go, folks—that’s the main reason she thinks Victoria can’t be stopped unless another vampire intervenes—because Wardo, The A-#1 Man in her life, said it was so, and thus it must be so.
JOSEPH SMITH HATH SPOKEN.
Oh, and did I forget to mention that she brings up The Goddamned Hole™ again? Oh, I did? Well, there you go.
Jacob bangs on her window and scares her out of her skin, and Jacob tells her to stop being such a big pansy, and that he and his friends can take care of themselves against one lone vampire. Bella, naturally, thinks he’s completely full of it for the sake of angst. Then she asks him where he went; he doesn’t really want to say, until he realizes that Bella’s used to weird stuff, and informs her that he went to go change into a wolf, the reason being because when he’s in wolf form, they hear each other’s thoughts no matter where they are in the world. He thinks Bella would’ve found that odd, but she informs him that she’s not the first person she’s known who can do something vaguely like that. Jacob asks if she’s talking about the “bloodsuckers”, and Bella chides him for that, which disgusts me, knowing about the later books and the sorts of things her precious vampires call the werewolves—and knowing that Bella just sits calmly by and lets them say such things. *cough*hollypotter*cough*
Jacob corrects himself and says the Cullens, and Bella says it was just Edward and brings up The Goddamned Hole™, ‘cause, you know, it’s been a whole PAGE since she mentioned it, and Jacob says that he didn’t know that was true as well, considering his legends talk about vampires doing “extra stuff”. Then he says they’re going to meet Sam and the other werewolves where they used to ride the Death Cycles, prompting him to inform her that he kept his little “meeting” with Sam previous as short as he possibly could and kept Bella out of his thoughts, because he didn’t want Sam to say he couldn’t bring Bella (which makes no sense, because Jacob just said they had no secrets amongst each other, implying that their minds basically meld and everybody knows everything about everybody, but, as we all know, Meyer picks and chooses what she wants to make sense and what she doesn’t for convenience’s sake). Bella boldly states that that wouldn’t have stopped her (oh yes it would’ve, missy—that was a MAN talking, so you’d just better get back in the kitchen and girl-power him up a sammich, bitch!). Jacob says it would’ve stopped him, though, and explains that Sam, as the Alpha, can basically tell anyone in the pack to do as he says and they can’t do anything about it. Case in point: Jacob trying to poop in the last chapter. Sam decreed “Thou shalt not poop” and Jacob couldn’t do it. Makes me wish Bella was a werewolf—then Sam could say, “Go die,” and she would! ‘Course, if Wardo said that to her now, she’d probably go and do it.
Back on track. Jacob then gets a little more character growth and development, along with getting him a little sympathy from the readers telling us about what it was like going through the werewolf transformation, saying it was “the most…horrible, the most terrifying thing [he’s] ever been through”. Fortunately, he had the pack there in his head, telling him to get control of himself and telling him where to go, then says that Sam had none of that. Some cool beans—if Meyer had an ounce of talent, that is. As such, I’m sure we can all rest assured that she will piss this particular tidbit of interesting writing right down her leg. Bella asks if Sam and Co. will be mad regarding her presence as their little meeting, and Jacob confirms this but says she needs to be there, as she’s in the know. Then she laments that she doesn’t want Jacob to be the one to stop Victoria. See, she’s perfectly fine with the other werewolves doing all the dirty work and taking care of that nastiness, but she doesn’t want Jacob’s life on the line. Everybody else can just go die.
Jacob snaps her out of it by asking if Victoria can do anything special, and she says no and sighs angstfully, saying that “he would have mentioned it”. No, he wouldn’t have—he had no reason to, because, just like with you, once the danger of James passed, Victoria just dropped off the radar and everybody forgot about her. Jacob asks her to clarify and asks if she means Wardo, and then apologizes for saying The Name. And guess what that prompts Bella to do!
A) Shrug and say it’s okay
B) Nod absently and continue thinking of the problem at hand
C) Break into song
D) Mention The Goddamned Hole™
If you guessed D, you get a gold star and you get to watch Mervin go Paul!
Then the two have this little exchange:
"How do you know me so well, Jacob? Sometimes it's like you can read my mind."
"Naw. I just pay attention."
Don’t you love how the concepts of paying attention to a friend’s wants, needs, likes, and dislikes and actually getting to know them and care for them and try to make them happy are so incredibly foreign to Bella?
So, they arrive at Death Cycle Road, and the following conversation can’t be summed up. Here it is, for all of you to see.
"You're still pretty unhappy, aren't you?" he murmured.
I nodded, staring unseeingly into the gloomy forest.
"Did you ever think… that maybe… you're better off?"
I inhaled slowly, and then let my breath out. "No."
"'Cause he wasn't the best—"
"Please, Jacob," I interrupted, begging in a whisper. "Could we please not talk about this? I can't stand it."
"Okay." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I said anything."
"Don't feel bad. If things were different, it would be nice to finally be able to talk to someone about it."
He nodded. "Yeah, I had a hard time keeping a secret from you for two weeks. It must be hell to not be able to talk to anyone."
"Hell," I agreed.
*considers going Paul—decides against it*
The mood is ruined when Jacob’s now post-fursploded posse arrives. They get out of the truck, and Bella trembles like a delicate flower at the thought of meeting said posse. Fortunately, she’s got a big, strong, wolfy man to hold her hand, and off they go to meet Sam and the others.
And that is that.
I would do another chapter, but that one just made me tired. So, see you in Chapter 14 – Family.
Stinger: “"I'm nothing but a human, after all. Nothing special," I explained, shrugging weakly.”
( Chapter 14 - Family )