Chapter 7 – Repetition
--Gah! Look at that chapter title! Meyer is JUST NOW pointing out repetition?! Dude! You did nothing but repeat how gorgeous Wardo was in the previous book! And now in this book, now that he’s gone, you do nothing but repeat how empty you are without him! And now you’re actively CALLING something repetitive!!! GOD SAVE ME!!!
--“I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing here.” Language, Bella! What would the Mormons think?
--“Had I turned masochistic—developed a taste for torture?” No, Bella. You aren’t masochistic. I’m masochistic. I mean, look at me—I just keep reading and reading and reading…
--“I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmare, now that I was really awake, the nothingness of the dream gnawed on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone.” “A dog worrying a bone.” That really didn’t feel like a metaphor. You really needed a “like” in there, Meyer, to make it a simile. It’s kind of awkward as is—reminds me of “The Beast of Yucca Flats.” Flag on the moon, and all.
--“The feeling that I was starting over—perhaps the way my first day would have gone if I'd really been the most unusual person in the cafeteria that afternoon.” *rolls eyes* “If it weren’t for the Cullens, I would’ve been the most unique and special person at Forks High! Tee hee!”
--Okay, so you wanna hear his voice again, so you think going to the Cullens’ old house will trigger it. However, Bella—as usual—is ignoring the obvious and going for pointless stuff, just as she did for the Van of Doom. Instead of asking Edward, “Okay, how the FUCK did you stop the car WITH YOUR BARE HANDS?” she asks, “But—you were over there! How’d you get over to me so fast?” And here, she thinks, “It must be déjà vu that triggers his voice!” instead of realizing what the voice was SAYING—your own stupidity and getting yourself into dangerous situations triggers the voice, idjit.
--“That everything remained, untouched and forgotten, behind them.
Just like me.” You really shouldn’t have added on “untouched” to that. Normally, I’d just smack you for being all selfish and whiny about it. Now I’m just laughing at you. “Oh, Edward didn’t touch my hoonanny before he left! *sobs*”
--“I was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob. Maybe I was developing a new kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I pushed my truck as fast as it would go as I barreled toward my fix.” Her being anxious to get back into the human world is stupid. She spent the entirety of Twilight whining about the human world and spending all of her time with Edward and/or other vampires, and then the last bits of the same book as well as the first chapters of New Moon whining about how she wanted to become a vampire and that there was nothing in the human world holding her here. Now all the sudden she wants to be in the human world? And the whole “new addiction” thing is dumb as well, because it’s just Meyer trying to set up some stupid love triangle. Well, it fails, because we all know that Bella doesn’t think of Jacob as anything more and a friend (if not less), and probably never will—because everybody knew that Wardo would be back by the end, and a werewolf just can’t measure up to the sparkle peen. The only reason Bella hangs out with Jacob at all is because he’s fixing up her death cycle for her.
--Bleh. I hate it when typists write their characters dropping everything else in their lives just to be with the people they rather fancy—like Jacob, neglecting his homework and instead working feverishly on the motorcycles in order to make Bella happy.
--“I made a gesture indicating the two of us as a single entity. He liked that—he beamed.” Bella Swan—leading on innocent boys only to smash their hearts into itty-bitty pieces since 2005.
--“He grinned and touched his can to mine.” Vampire metaphor for sex: blood sucking. Werewolf metaphor for sex: coke-can touching. NOTICE that, if you move the ‘e’ in “coke” like THIS—“coek”—it resembles the word “cock”? Aha! Caught you out, Meyer.
--And, naturally, there goes Bella—bitching about those who have no intentions of letting her off the hook for her appalling behavior. Fuck you, whore.
--Mike, for GOD’S SAKE, give up. Stop asking her out on dates.
--“The smell of the lasagna I'd spent the afternoon making—while Jacob watched and occasionally sampled—wafted down the hall…” I’m sorry—the sexism here is killing me. First Meyer states that only BOYS know how to work on motorcycles and cars and the like, now she says that only GIRLS can cook and boys can’t and probably SHOULDN’T, because why should they? They’ve got girls for that! Dammit.
--MEYER. STOP BEATING US OVER THE HEAD WITH HINTS THAT JACOB LIKES HER. WE ALREADY KNOW HE’S MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER.
--So…now the motorcycles are done. How much time passed, anyway? How long did that take? I seriously thought only a few days had passed.
--You know, it’s really disgusting how Bella is constantly, CONSTANTLY pretty much ignoring whatever anybody says. I mean, seriously—she never pays attention to what anybody is saying except Edward. I cannot COUNT the number of times Meyer has written Bella as not listening to a conversation. She is so FRACKIN’ rude.
--The whole Bella thinking the guy committed suicide when he was really juts cliff-diving is kind of awkward. I know she was supposed to think that he was really killing himself, but…it’s so detached.
--So, Bella’s going to ride a bike to her death. If that doesn’t work? She’s going to fling herself off of a cliff. Ain’t that just the peachiest thing ever.
--“Pissed”. I think that’s about as curse-wordish as we’re going to get. I’m willing to bet Meyer washed her hands twenty times after typing that word.
--‘Kay. Jacob talking about how scared he is that Sam is going to somehow force him into joining what he thinks is a gang? That is some fairly interesting character development. I enjoyed reading that. It was ham-fistedly done and I already knew what was going to happen, but made him seem vaguely real.
--So, naturally, Bella quickly shifted the focus back to her by flinging herself into Jacob’s arms and talking about how SHE was feeling rather than how he was feeling. Can’t have the camera off of her for too long, you know!
--And we end the chapter with us being reminded of the fact that Bella is only hanging out with Jacob because she’s using him, not because she enjoys his company. She herself described actually enjoying herself around Jacob as merely a “perk”. Moving on.
Chapter 8 – Adrenaline
--I’m no expert on motorcycle riding, but it seems to me that you should not be in constant danger of falling over on one if you are standing still.
--“I'd already lived through the worst thing possible. In comparison with that, why should anything frighten me now? I should be able to look death in the face and laugh.” *shakes head* Bella, you remind me of cheerleaders who say their lives are over once high school ends.
--“I could feel the bike rumbling beneath me like an angry animal.” Bestiality! Woohoo!
--Aaaand there’s Wardo’s voice again. *yawn* Who didn’t see that coming?
--Well, folks, this chapter is going to be extremely short, I can tell you that right now, because all I have to say about it is this: the same thing I’ve been saying. Meyer’s attempts to set up a love triangle between Edward, Jacob, and Bella are falling flat on their faces. Because, while Bella is having a grand old time with Jacob and it’s all hunky-dory and they laugh and they play and it’s obvious that Jacob spends every night in the bathroom wanking to Bella’s beautiful face, Bella spends every night wanking to Edward’s beautiful face. And that ain’t stopping any time soon. Not only that? What is she doing the entire time she’s having these motorcycle lessons—she’s thinking of Wardo, because his voice is in her head—which I must say, if this really does turn out to be a psychic connection? It’s stupid. Not just because it’s totally and completely implausible and is vaguely Anne Rice-ish—changing your own canon to suit your whims, in this case giving Wardo and Bella some kind of vampire soul bond—but because, if the voice of Wardo really did want her to not do anything stupid? He’d just stop talking. Or he’d start talking only when she was doing good things. Anyway—sorry for that detour, back to the “love triangle”. Bella never stops thinking of Wardo—she does everything she does for Wardo. Wardo is her entire motivation—not Jacob. Jacob is the means to the end, not the potential love interest, and we all know that, when Wardo makes his inevitable grand entrance back into the story, she’ll say, “Get the FUCK away from me, Jacob, I don’t see YOU sparkling in the sunlight! What, you thought I was hanging out with you because we were FRIENDS? Fuck no, I was hanging out with you because you provided me all sorts of venues for doing dangerous stuff and helping me imagine my dearest darling’s voice in my head!” and leap gracefully into Wardo’s cold dead arms. So—PHAIL, Meyer.
--It is ALREADY ESTABLISHED that nostalgia does not bring the voice to the fore. So stop trying that. The sparkle field is not going to bring Wardo back. It’s just gonna feature you comparing Jacob to Wardo and discussing how inadequate the former is.
--Okay, stop alternatively calling him “Jake” and “Jacob” in the lines that are not dialogue. That is very bad writing.
--“Normal memories were still dangerous.” And yet, you spend all your time trying to hear Wardo’s voice in your head. *rolls eyes*
--And now Jacob tells Bella that she’s probably tasty. Second boy who’s in love with Bella to tell her that. I’m starting to think that’s a very unsubtle metaphor telling us that all boys want to give Bella oral sex. i c wut u did thar.
For final thoughts on these two chapters, just read the two biggest statements up there in the little commentaries. Those sum it up quite nicely.
Stinger: “"Bears don't want to eat people. We don't taste that good." He grinned at me in the dark cab. "Of course, you might be an exception. I bet you'd taste good."”
( Chapter 9 - Third Wheel )
So, in movie news, I think Summit has decided to play a joke on Stephanie Meyer. I am not kidding. I think they know how bad the material is that they are working with, and they are sitting around snickering behind their hands. I’m positive the studio execs all got together and had the following conversation (complete with beer):
“Okay, okay—we did pretty well with the first Twilight movie. Our sabotage didn’t work out—it’ll take more than just crappy special effects to bring down that fangirl-drawing beast that is Robert Pattinson. We’ve already refused to give it an appropriate amount of money—that just doesn’t really drive it into the ground enough. Ideas, people!”
“I’ve got an idea! We greenlit the second one real fast, right? Let’s start production in, like, three months! That won’t give anybody time to prepare, right?”
“No, not enough…people can still salvage movies with very little time—I’ve got it! Let’s fire Catherine Hardwicke!”
“What, the director?! Oh, you evil genius! That’s perfect! Now we have to scramble all over to get a new one! And I think we should kick it up a notch—let’s even make plans to get rid of that kid who plays Jacob—you know, the one who will be the starring in it to take the place of Edward?”
“Even better! Wait, wait—I just had a stroke of genius myself. You know how we only have a first draft for New Moon and jack shit for Eclipse?”
“Let’s film New Moon and Eclipse simultaneously. Meaning they both go into production in March, even though we are totally unprepared! That way, we can kill BOTH movies at the same time!”
“Johnson, I may have to marry you for that! Wait, wait—having a vision here—of Saw.”
“Oh yes. They release a new Saw movie every Halloween. Well, we’re going to release a new Twilight movie every Thanksgiving until this franchise is completely fucked up. Well, more than it already was.”
“You including Breaking Dawn in that statement? You know—the one we don’t even know will include the original actors?”
“Damn skippy I am!”
“WE ROCK SO HARD!!!!”
Seriously. I loathe Twilight, but man…they have a potential cash cow and they refuse to milk it—they’re too determined to chop it up for steak. *ponders* That was a good metaphor. Anyway—I feel sorry for the actors most of all. This stuff is going to tarnish their reps so bad.
But, despite it all, Robert Pattinson is still awesome. Can anybody out there tell me how RPattz continually gets away with saying all this stuff about Wardo and Twilight? I am serious—I think fangirls are eventually going to realize that he has total contempt for Wardo and Bella and Twilight in general and are going to rise up and eat his face and not in the good way.
Oh—and I just found out that RPattz did, in fact, do a commentary for the Twilight DVD. And that he said he basically sat there and made fun of it.
Why? Why must people continually find ways that will make me line Meyer’s pockets with ill-gotten gains? Because I am TOTALLY buying that. Yes—I am going to do something stupid just so I can hear his voice.