All right. As I’d only gotten through one chapter of New Moon before I was forced to step away and go for a walk
So! Shall we be moving on? Yes, we shall.
*Note: From here on out, direct quotes will not only be in quotations but also will be bolded. Hyde pointed out that it’s sometimes hard for her to tell where the quote ends and the comment begins. Hopefully, by bolding it, I’ll have removed that problem.
Chapter 2 – Stitches
--Yay! Emmett’s wrestling something! I am so pleased. *loves Emmett like most people love Alice*
--Rosaline’s divine face, Esme’s heart-shaped face, Bella’s shocked face, and later, Edward’s stone face. Let’s just get all the faces out of the way now, shall we? Don’t forget to mention that Jasper has a crazy face! And in keeping with the spirit, here’s my disgruntled face!
--“Esme's heart-shaped face was ashamed. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she cried as she followed the others into the yard.” Yeah, I’d be pretty ashamed of my son if he threw the woman he supposedly loved into a bunch of glass bowls—oh, wait…she’s talking about Jasper, isn’t she?
--“The smell of the blood was making me dizzy.” What—not the pain? You’d rather angst about the smell of blood, rather than the fact that your arm is mincemeat?
--For God’s sake, SHE CAN WALK!!! STOP CARRYING HER EVERYWHERE!!! I think this is the author’s fantasy of having everybody carry her about on a litter like some sort of queen.
--“Carlisle's black bag was already on the table, a small but brilliant desk light plugged into the wall.” Because “brilliant” sounds much more educated and much more refined than “bright”. “Bright” is sooooo uncool.
--“But his jaw was rigid; his eyes burned with the intensity of the thirst he fought, so much worse for him than it was for the others.” Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed—I didn’t see Emmett wrestling him out of the room. Once again, Meyer is TELLING us stuff, but what she shows us tells a different story. And if you ask me who I’m going to believe, it’s most assuredly not going to be you, Meyer.
--“"Why are you so masochistic?" I mumbled.” Oh, look! It’s the masochistic lion again! Bleh.
--“"Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."” Hey, don’t make Jasper out to be Edward. I’d like to think Jasper doesn’t go sulk for a week amongst the penguins.
--“"You might as well do something useful," Alice added.” For once. Seriously—anyone seen Edward do anything useful this entire time? Either in Twilight or this novel?
--“I could feel the faint stirrings of unease in the pit of my stomach, but I was determined not to let my usual squeamishness get the best of me.” What? What squeamishness? The only time you ever got squeamish was because it was convenient to be so.
--“"It's not your fault," Carlisle comforted me with a chuckle. "It could happen to anyone."
"Could," I repeated. "But it usually just happens to me."” Yes. Because it makes you speshuler. Seriously—there is absolutely no reason that all this disaster befalls you ALL THE FRICKIN’ TIME. Frodo Baggins had a reason. Harry Potter had a reason. Hell, even Eragon had a reason! You have no reason!
--You know, I seriously prefer the scene where Bruce Willis is picking glass out of his feet to the scene where Carlisle picks glass out of Bella’s arm. Do you know why? BECAUSE THE DIE HARD SCENE HAS DECENT BLOOD. It’s not even a vampire flick and it’s got decent blood!
--“"What is it that you enjoy?" I wondered. It didn't make sense to me—the years of struggle and self-denial he must have spent to get to the point where he could endure this so easily.” That just…oh dear. *rubs head* It’s like she cannot comprehend the fact that Carlisle would choose doing what he felt was right over what he craved, because ZOMG it involves suffering and denying one’s self. Basically, Bella has no concept of the fact that maybe Carlisle enjoys saving lives. He enjoys helping people. But no, for Bella it’s all about what he doesn’t have. Because, naturally, that’s what she’d be thinking about.
--“"You try very hard to make up for something that was never your fault," I suggested while a new kind of tugging started at the edges of my skin. "What I mean is, it's not like you asked for this. You didn't choose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good."” Hey, Bella. See the back of my hand? Isn’t it smooth? I moisturize. Can’t stand dry hands. Always using lotion. Want a closer look? *BACKHANDS THE SHIT OUT OF BELLA* Carlisle is another one of the few characters I happen to like in this shitfest, so you can just stop being condescending to him and acting like you know him better than he knows himself! All you do is obsess over Edward! So CRAM IT, BITCH!!!
--“"I don't know that I'm making up for anything," he disagreed lightly. "Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given."
"That makes it sound too easy."” Man, I wish Carlisle wasn’t so compassionate. I’d be seriously chanting for some vampire whoopass at this point. Just look at her!
--Bella, why on earth are you questioning Carlisle about his decision to feed on animals and not harm humans as if it were a bad thing?
--“His face was suddenly serious again, and I wondered if his thoughts had gone to the same place that mine had. Wondering what I would be thinking when—I refused to think if—it was me.” And, naturally, Bella somehow manages to turn the conversation back to herself and whatever she wants. Let’s give her a hand! Or perhaps some fists.
--Carlisle rules so hardcore. That’s all I’m sayin’, man. He just RULES. Hands down. He’s a Stu, yes, because all the vampires are Stus or Sues. But…he still rules. His quiet faith, his devotion, his EVERYTHING. He is both a good character and a good guy. Get Bella out of the scene. I’m tired of her inane commentary.
--“"That's the real problem, isn't it?" I guessed. "That's why he's being so difficult about me."” And YET AGAIN, Bella brings the conversation back to her and her overwhelming desire to be a vampire. How DOES she do it?
--“Carlisle spoke slowly. "I look at my… son. His strength, his goodness, the brightness that shines out of him—and it only fuels that hope, that faith, more than ever. How could there not be more for one such as Edward?"” Because creepyass stalkers don’t go to heaven, Carlisle. I know from Midnight Sun that you not only know about his activities, but also encouraged them. Your awesomeness goes down a notch, sweets.
--“"But if I believed as he does…" He looked down at me with unfathomable eyes. "If you believed as he did. Could you take away his soul?"” Carlisle, you rule. Your awesomeness has gone back up that notch you lost.
--“The way he phrased the question thwarted my answer.
If he'd asked me whether I would risk my soul for Edward, the reply would be obvious. But would I risk Edward's soul? I pursed my lips unhappily. That wasn't a fair exchange.” …
*BZZT. SNAP. CRACKLE. POP.*
[Unfortunately, at this point, Mervin’s head kind of burnt out. A stream of hideous, horrible expletives came spilling forth from her mouth, along with copious amounts of foamy saliva. After about an hour of this, she was reduced to saying a single word over and over again in a very stupid voice, that word being “penis”. I’m…not sure how that happened. Anyway, the long, long, LONG line of curse words will not be transcribed, as half of them are completely made-up anyway. So, I, Marten, will sum up—that right there is about as doormat-ish as it gets. Seriously. Harmony!Hermione ain’t got nothin’ on Bella Swan. Now, I’m going to claw Mervin’s legs until she regains sense and continues the review. *gets to it*]
*three hours later*
Augh…gad…my pants and legs are shredded…urgh, I feel awful. *holding head* Well…back at it.
--“"It's my choice," I insisted.
"It's his, too." He held up his hand when he could see that I was about to argue. "Whether he is responsible for doing that to you."
"He's not the only one able to do it." I eyed Carlisle speculatively.” A) Yes, Bella. It is, as usual, all about you. Who cares what Edward’s feelings are in the matter? B) Now Bella’s going to go begging to all the vampires in the family for a shot of vamp venom. She’s like a friggin’ junkie. Hey, just go stab yourself in view of Jasper, if you’re so desperate. He’ll bite you. Just hope that the others will tear him off in time.
--So, you choose this moment to drop in Edward’s random history? While it’s interesting and all, it’s ill-placed. That, and it’s just more emphasis on the whole “MUST. SACRIFICE. ALL. FOR. CHILDREN” motif that threads through these stories. Bleh.
--Carlisle, as interesting as your story is? People don’t talk like that. Put down the script and tell the story in your own words.
--“"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are."
"It's not his fault."
"It's not yours, either."
I looked away from his wise, beautiful eyes. I couldn't agree with that.” She…is blaming herself for the fact that vampires want to eat human blood. I would say that was the ultimate in being a doormat, but I think we’ve already seen that. This comes a close second, though.
--In my ratty .pdf copy of the New Moon, the word “get” is always italicized. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
--If she keeps taking all the blame on herself for what happened in the total “abused girlfriend” way (seriously—she is basically saying, “I’m sorry I made you hit me, Edward”), I am seriously gonna have another brain-short again. It will happen. And I don’t wanna lose another pair of pants. And we’re all out of Band-Aids.
--“"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," I protested. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."
"Don't be melodramatic, please."
"Well then, don't you be ridiculous."” How was he being ridiculous by stating the truth that you wouldn’t have to live in fear of cutting yourself if you were with somebody else? Or were you just pissed that somebody called you out on that stupid, STUPID declaration? Incidentally, Wardo telling anyone not to be melodramatic is just about too much irony for even my chainsaw to get through. Running flailing through a field of clover and daisies because Bella’s scent is too much for him, anyone?
--“The last thing I wanted was for him to go wallow in remorse.” Oh, bitch, you did not. You did NOT just say that. MAY I REMIND YOU OF WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO ALL DAY UP IN CHAPTER ONE, PLEASE, INSTEAD OF SPEND TIME WITH THE CULLENS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
--I don’t get what Edward’s so torn up about. It’s not like he went total apeshit—that was Jasper. Edward was actually very well-controlled.
--“Charlie wasn't exactly aware that Edward frequently stayed over. In fact, he would have a stroke if that fact were brought to his attention. But I didn't feel too guilty for deceiving him. It wasn't as if we were up to anything he wouldn't want me to be up to. Edward and his rules…” Yeah, that pretty much sums Bella up, doesn’t it? “I’m lying to my dad! It is a noble profession. But WAH, Edward won’t sex OR vamp me up!” And you know what? I know a lot of people say that that is Mormon propaganda as well, the way Edward always has to put on the brakes, for women are driven to spiraling lust by the magnificence of their men? I actually think it’s Meyer complaining about the Mormon rule of no sex before marriage EVER. NO MASTURBATING, EITHER. DON’T EVEN LOOK AT THOSE DIRTYPILLOWS OR THOSE EVIL WEENS, BECAUSE IF YOU DO, YOU MUST BE FLOGGED. AND YOU MUST ENJOY IT. NOT THAT WAY, YOU SICK PERV. THAT MEANS MORE FLOGGING. Anyway.
--“I really did feel exhausted.” I must laugh—Bella only says this after she passionately (but chastely) kisses Edward. Gad, I think Meyer and her husband bought their children, or something. Because Meyer writes like a virgin.
--“I was halfway asleep, maybe more, when I realized what his kiss had reminded me of: last spring, when he'd had to leave me to throw James off my trail, Edward had kissed me goodbye, not knowing when—or if—we would see each other again. This kiss had the same almost painful edge for some reason I couldn't imagine. I shuddered into unconsciousness, as if I were already having a nightmare.” Mmm. Subtle, Meyer. So subtle.
Chapter 3 – The End
--“The End”? Well, normally, I’d be rejoicing. Because yay! It’s the end! I’m that much closer to Breaking Dawn! And words cannot describe how much I want to read Breaking Dawn. However, I know better. This…does not bode well.
--“I was afraid of the time I'd spent unconscious, afraid that he might have been thinking about right and wrong again while he watched me sleep.” You know, this relationship really, really doesn’t sound healthy. I’m serious. She’s constantly lying to her father, she pretty much ignores her mother, she is a cowed, trembling, helpless female, and now she is worried that Edward might be developing some sense of right and wrong. Dude? That ain’t good.
--“"Perfect," I lied, cringing as the sound of the slamming door echoed in my head.” Is she hungover?
--“Alice usually beat us to lunch; she didn't have to keep pace with a sloth like me.” So…are they moving at super-human speeds through the halls of school? Dammit, I thought they were supposed to blend in!
--“Denali was where the one other band of unique vampires—good ones like the Cullens—lived.” Ah. “Good ones like the Cullens”. So, now Meyer has officially established that vampires who eat humans are “bad”. Well, once upon a time, Edward ate humans. BAM! Caught you.
--Dammit. Jasper did go up to sulk amongst the penguins. I was hoping he’d be better than that.
--“I swallowed, trying to dislodge the sudden lump in my throat. The guilt made my head bow and my shoulders slump. I'd run them out of their home, just like Rosalie and Emmett. I was a plague.” Urgh. I despise her “this is all my fault” attitude about this incident. It’s really starting to piss me off. However, it’ll hopefully make things easier when I start beating her with a crowbar—after all, she won’t blame me for it.
--Oh, GOD, she’s hyperventilating again! Do you need a puffer, or something?! What is WRONG with you?!
--Hmm. All her reasoning about why the Cullens will surely stay in town and thus ensure that Wardo will stay with her sounds like the desperate, clingy babbling of Eddie Kaspbrak’s wife in the novel IT when her husband says he is leaving. I didn’t know that Meyer pulled from Stephen King, too. And it’s great that they’re both Eddies, isn’t it?
--“Maybe it would be better if he took me away, rather than his family being scattered. I grew slightly less depressed as I considered all the uninterrupted alone time. If he could just last through the school year, Charlie wouldn't be able to object. We could go away to college, or pretend that's what we were doing, like Rosalie and Emmett this year. Surely Edward could wait a year. What was a year to an immortal? It didn't even seem like that much to me.” I…no. That is…no. No no, no, and no. I know Edward leaves in this book, and you know what? I don’t blame him. It’s not just the fact that she doesn’t have the same values as he does—she doesn’t believe in family (obviously), she wants sex now, she doesn’t care about silly things like souls—but she is also like a leech. She just clings. It’s SO. PATHETIC. It makes me sick.
--And work was promptly condensed into a single paragraph of two sentences. How I missed those time hiccups from Twilight.
--Yeah. Meyer is really trying to ensure that we hate Charlie, or in the very least, don’t think anything of him in Bella’s life so we can pretty much think nothing of him once Bella is turned.
--“I leaned my cheek against my knee, staring at the physical tokens of my parents' love. I'd known this path I'd chosen was going to be hard. And, after all, I was thinking about the worst-case scenario—the very worst I could live through.” Of course, the very thought of Wardo leaving her here and not taking her with him? Doesn’t even enter her head. Naturally. River in Egypt, anyone?
--‘Kay, all this emphasis on how she’s going to be going with Edward is getting annoying, and once again it is a la Airhead. Bella, let me ask you something—if they were planning on leaving, why the hell would they take you with them? You’re the reason that they are leaving in the first place, you IDIOT. Not to mention how Edward’s all distant and cold and remote. ‘Sides, this is also reading just like the babbling rambling of a clingy “I can change him, mama” woman who’s in denial over the fact that her boyfriend/husband/whatever is losing interest in her. Seriously—look at it. “He’ll get over it. For sure he’ll get over it. And it’s obvious that the Cullens are planning to leave—and surely he’ll ask me to join them. Well, I’m ready to do it! I’ll just…compile memories of Forks! *high-pitched giggle* Have to be prepared for the day I’m asked to leave with Edward! I mean, it’s not like he’d leave me alone, right? Right?” Honestly.
--“A predictable picture war ensued. I watched them hand the camera around the table, giggling and flirting and complaining about being on film. It seemed strangely childish. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood for normal human behavior today.” Oh. So, I was apparently wrong about the incidental characters getting all their allotted attention up in chapter one. I should’ve known, though—I mean, Bella hadn’t been condescending to them yet!
--Oh, damn. The sudden insertion of how beautiful Wardo is in the pictures she snapped reminded me that this chapter didn’t have very much BS about how gorgeous he is. Bleh.
--Jesus—Edward, would you just LEAVE already??!!! I am getting sick of this!!! One more day of Bella whining about your remoteness and I’m gonna pop a blood vessel!
--“"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."” *scowls sourly* Hey, I’m 23 and barely pass for 17 on some days. And don’t get me started on Johnny “Dorian Gray” Depp. And what about Shirley Henderson playing the perpetually school-aged Moaning Myrtle in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? She’s in her THIRTIES!!!
--This entire section of dialogue with Bella begging Edward to stay or take her with him, complete with him saying, “I’m no good, baby,” is straight out of every conversation girls like Bella have once their bad boy boyfriend gets interested in another girl or decides he’s sick of pretending to have been changed by her love and wants to go back to being the bad boy. For realz.
--“"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" I shouted, furious, the words exploding out of me—somehow it still sounded like a plea. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you —it's yours already!"” …she is seriously like Eddie Kasprak’s wife. Only worse. I mean it. When she starts offering him all sorts of things in the hopes that he’ll stay and won’t leave her…and it was just as pathetic then as it is here. Except Stephen King wrote that intending it to be pathetic. Meyer did not.
--FINALLY. He left. It’s about time. It only took how many pages?
--“Love, life, meaning… over.” *stares*
*commits ritual seppuku*
--*points* New moon. That’s the title. See what Meyer did there? It indicates the blackness of Bella’s life now. I’m gonna kill myself again, if none of you mind.
--*claws at her face* She wandered out into the forest, fell over, and is now just laying their hoping to DIE. Yes, ladies, that is exactly what you should do if your man leaves you in any capacity! Just lie down and wait for death! Life is not worth living if you don’t have a man to cling to—don’t even try to move on and find another one, either! What an excellent message to send to young girls, Meyer! Now I wonder if any boy who received the request from his girlfriend to “be more like Edward”—something that has happened ever since these books were published—ever replied with, “Okay. I will—he leaves Bella in New Moon, doesn’t he? Well, see ya. And you can just go ahead and lie down and die, too, bitch.”
--She’s now imitating Irene Bullock from My Man Godfrey. If she ever asks, “What is food?” at some point in this book, I’m gonna put it down. No, I don’t mean close the document. I mean euthanize it. Because My Man Godfrey was a comedy. Meyer is dead serious about this.
--Aaaaaaaaaand once again, Bella is being carried by somebody. GAD!!!
--*nastily* Why is Charlie suddenly showing all this concern for Bella? I’m sure there’s a game on—he should be watching that. Please, Meyer! Consistent characterization! ‘Tis important!
--“The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.
I did not resurface.” Time for some emo poetry! Honestly—you ever read anything so pitiful in your life? Where are the angels weeping tears of blood?
--*splutters* WHAT??!!! The—the book! It’s—what the—it went BLANK??!!! I—she—they—TREES!!! THINK OF THE TREES, MEYER!!! FIND SOME OTHER WAY TO DESCRIBE HOW BELLA IS NOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITHOUT A MAN TO CLEAVE TO!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TREES DIED JUST SO YOU COULD STICK BLANK PAGES IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR BOOK???!!!! YOU ARE DESTROYING THE RAIN FOREST!!! WHAT WOULD CAPTAIN PLANET THINK??!!! CAPTAIN PLANET, MEYER!!! AND THE LITTER ON THE HIGHWAY!!! OH GOD, THE LITTER!!! FERNGULLY IS DOOMED, DOOMED, I TELL YOU!!! HEXXUS IS GOING TO KILL US ALL!!!! AND WHAT ABOUT THE BABY SEALS, THE LITTLE PENGUINS, THE POLAR BEARS AT THE POLAR ICE CAPS, THE SPOTTED OWL okay, I’m done now. Thanks, Meyer. You made me launch into “wacky environmentalist mode”. I try to avoid that, you know.
I’m out. I gotta get away from it. The book—it went BLANK, people!!! Blank!!! For, like, six pages!!! I mean, geez! I couldn’t find how many copies of New Moon were sold, but let’s do a low estimate and say six million! Do you know how many blank pages that is?! 36,000,000 blank pages!!! Captain Planet would be so ashamed of the human race.
Okay, it was only four pages. That’s still 24,000,000 blank pages.
And if the material aspects weren’t bad enough, those blank pages just took us to new depths of bad writing—writing so bad that there wasn’t any!
And to top it off, just to piss Mervin off—IT WAS THE ULTIMATE TIME HICCUP!!!! *STAMPEDES THROUGH TOKYO*
HOLY HELL. These two chapters? Yeah, they put anything Twilight had to offer in terms of revolting to SHAME.
The Wiki article regarding New Moon says it, unlike the other three, is about the loss of true love. No, it is not. Because, ultimately, she doesn’t lose her true love, and I’d know this even if I hadn’t read summaries of New Moon, because two more books follow this one. And, considering she says that losing true love is basically the entire plot of the book? That tells me one thing—that pretty much nothing is going to happen in this book, save for the introduction of a bunch of werewolves. That really doesn’t make me want to read this.
And, of course, I must reiterate what everybody else has said—because, dude, what new could I bring to it? Young girls are reading these novels—and there is solid proof that they are, in fact, basing their lives on them. There are girls who broke up with their boyfriends because they “weren’t more like Edward”. Yeah. It is happening. And now, New Moon is sending a very solid message that, if your boyfriend leaves you? Or if the man you love somehow disappears in any capacity? Roll over and die. You just don’t have any hope whatsoever without a man to cleave to. It’s revolting, it’s disgusting, and it really brings out the feminist in me. I’m not a feminist—but here I am, ready to go on a total rant about women’s rights and how women should stand up for themselves. Not to mention the fact that I’m usually not so adamant about “messages” that novels send to their readers—normally, I’d just roll my eyes at Meyer writing Bella this way. But, dude—there are young girls who want to be Bella. Who try to embody Bella at every chance they get. AND THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. Basically encouraging girls to believe that their lives are not complete without a man…yeah. Bad. And that isn’t even addressing the fact that this is more not-so-thinly veiled Mormon stuff, and that Meyer tried to claim that Bella is a feminist heroine later on after people tried to call her out on Bella’s total doormat behavior. Oh, but she did, folks.
“One of the weird things about modern feminism is that some feminists seem to be putting their own limits on women's choices. That feels backward to me. It's as if you can't choose a family on your own terms and still be considered a strong woman. How is that empowering? Are there rules about if, when, and how we love or marry and if, when, and how we have kids? Are there jobs we can and can't have in order to be a "real" feminist? To me, those limitations seem anti-feminist in basic principle.”Yeah—a strong woman can choose to do traditionally feminine stuff. But your character doesn’t—she has no identity outside of her man and pretty much does whatever he tells her to.
And, of course, there is the writing style itself. It’s gotten worse, in my opinion. Any time something bad is going to happen? She spends page after page after page talking about how that event COULDN’T happen, or something to that effect. Before she cuts herself at the party, she goes on about how Jasper is new to the animal diet, and likes human blood, and how her scent is tasty yum yum. Before Edward leaves, she goes on and on about how she’s going to go with him, for surely he will ask her to come with her, blah blah blah. Things have definitely gone downhill. I am not impressed.
I haven’t even read the whole thing or the other two books and I already declare this one the worst of the series. Sorry—Breaking Dawn has nothing on this one. Breaking Dawn may have major cockblocking and pillow biting and a Death Baby and Bella as one of the biggest Sues in existence, second only to her Death Baby who was named Renesmee, which makes anybody who sees it want to vomit, but Breaking Dawn doesn’t have four blank pages, nor does it feature Bella Swan lying down and waiting to die because she doesn’t have her man.
Stinger: *FOUR. BLANK. PAGES.*
( Chapter 4 - Waking Up )
Dear God. I wasn’t sure I’d make it through that. I had to listen to the Tubular Boobular Song on repeat just to make it through it.
Well. That was awful. Off to listen to Alice Cooper. And imagine Bella’s beautifully gory death. *trips off*