Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

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Twilight Movie Review

Hi-yo, folks. I was up pretty late typing this. I hope you appreciate the effort.

So. Last night, I went and saw Twilight. I paid $5.50 for a 4:50 p.m. showing, skipping out on the 7:10 p.m. showing because Hyde was afraid she’d be too sleepy to talk after I got home, as we are in different time zones now.

Shall we?



Well, my ticket said 4:50 p.m. Clearly, too. I bought it early, to make sure my showing wouldn’t be sold out. But when I got there about fifteen minutes early, the previews had already started, and the time scrolling across the top of the door to my theater said 4:40! I was quite outraged, and nervous I’d missed the one trailer I was hoping to see. I rushed in and peered briefly about—it was utterly packed. Dammit—no middle seat for me. So I sidled in and sat down on an outside seat, giving myself a one-seat space from the next person over. I pulled out my notebook and pen and got situated, gave a brief look-around again, and got ready to get to work.

Fortunately, I think the only trailer I missed was Confessions of a Shopaholic. Can’t say I’m too choked up about that.

Moving on. These comments are entirely unedited—the text in the brackets [] is an explanation of what I wrote, as I’m sure it wouldn’t make any sense otherwise.

And keep in mind that I did not go into this like most lolfans did. I didn’t go in looking for things to hate. I didn’t need to do that, because, dude, I was watching a movie based on Twilight. I knew I was going to have plenty of things to hate. I was actively looking for things to like. I was scrutinizing the film, trying to see if it was better than the book.





Okay—trailers first.

--The Unborn: Creepy looking! Good audience reaction. [Indeed. It’s a Michael Bay production, so it’ll probably be bloated and overblown, but it had some seriously freaky images, including the one where it looks like the top of that woman’s head is coming off.]

--HARRY POTTER, BITCHES!!!! OH YEAH!!!! [The definite high-point of this theater experience, seeing that trailer on the big screen.]

--Watchmen? No, The Spirit. Eh. [I was hoping for a Watchmen trailer, really. People can’t seem to get enough of it, and as such I’ll admit that I’m curious.]

--Push? [Never heard of this one.]

--Finally. Movie starts. [The silence that fell over the theater was quite impressive.]

--GAH. Voice-over! Prologue, BOO! [Yes, the opening was a voice-over reading directly from the prologue. Bleh. I could have already told the people in charge to deviate from the source material as much as possible. And even if they had, I hate voiceovers anyway. MST3K made me hate them—the only obvious exception to this personal rule that I can think of is The Sharkshank Redemption. Translation—it has to be really good for me to like it, and this is already not.]

--Death to Bambi—interesting. [The film opened with a vampire hunting a deer in the woods, followed by a fade-in to Bella in Phoenix. That’s different.]

--At least she didn’t whine TOO much in the opening. [I was surprised to see an improvement right off the bat, I admit. Bella did not spend hours and hours whining about every little thing. Instead, Stewart managed to play it as wistful and resigned rather than, “DAMMIT, I’M GOING ON AND ON ABOUT MY SACRIFICE—WHY IS NOBODY PITYING ME FOR IT??!!!”]

--Bella is bitchy. [‘Course, the script quickly took Stewart’s attempt and steered it towards the original canon. Which we all know about already.]

--Twee fans. ZOMG. [There were whispering fangirls in the entire back section of the theater. I could hear them loudly whispering about how they couldn’t wait for Edward to show. At this point I knew that I was in trouble.]

--At least we see a little bonding instead of being told about it between Bella and Jacob. [They introduced Jacob very early on, and they played it a little better than in the book. They did act like childhood friends who are surprised to see each other all grown up and might start liking each other later, rather than just dropping this guy on us from nowhere.]

--Bella is a special snowflake. [Okay, way too much emphasis on how WTF DIFFERENT she is, because, after all, Phoenix is, like, a totally different world from Forks. God, I hate to think what these people will do if somebody from *le gasp* NEW YORK CITY is dropped into their midsts!]

--Guh. Boyz drool. [Yep. All of the boys at Forks High are stupid nerds who crush on Bella. Canon, how I loathe thee.]

--Airhead similarity—unfunny jokes. [Bella cracks an awkward and unfunny joke and everybody just laughs and laughs. Granted, it’s mostly because you get the impression they’re trying to get on Bella’s good side so they can get into her pants, but still.]

--EVERYBODY is fighting over Bella! Dammit! [That needs no explanation, I think.]

--Oh, hell, the theater gasped. THEY GASPED. [You read that correctly, my dear readers. When Edward Cullen and his Hair of Great Justice swept onto the scene, the entire section of girls I mentioned earlier had a great intake of air and a loud sigh, complete with excited tittering.]

--Oh, the hair. [Oh yeah, baby. Work it, RPattz.]

--Bitchy, brainless twits. [In reference to Bella’s friends. They said the word “like” every other word, I swear. Somehow, they managed to make them even more dim and idiotic and unlikeable than Meyer did.]

--Oh, smolder, RPattz. [He totally did. And I’m positive I could hear his thoughts right then. They sounded like, “Man, this is ridiculous. Well, may as well play it totally over the top.”]

--This is laughable. [Yeah. It was. Just…everything was laughable. ]

--OMG NOM NOM NOM. [I don’t know if it was unintentional funny or not, but either way, it was funny. The scene where Bella’s freesia-stink goes wafting under Wardo’s nose. She stands in front of a fan in slow-mo, complete with L’Oréal hair waving. They changed Edward’s reaction, too. He didn’t just get stiff (you’re all pervy) and be all stoic. He covered his nose and mouth with one hand and went completely batshit. And Bella did NOT react as she did in the book. She did not bawl and be crushed because oh, the pretty boy didn’t like her. She looked at him like he was on drugs or something, and even smelled herself. I did smile at that. It was funny, intentional or not. And while the hair stuff was idiocy, their reactions were in fact better than in the book.]

--ANGEL WINGS ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME? [There is a STUFFED OWL posing open-winged directly behind Edward that gave him ANGEL’S WINGS. OH. EM. GEE. *kills self*]

--Yeah, yeah, Bella’s gorgeous. [That is why I like the recent pictures of Kristen Stewart in her movie she’s doing after this one—she doesn’t have perfect make-up, and her hair looks normal instead of movie-starish. I actually think she’s prettier like that instead of all prettified as Bella.]

--Hmm, at least there is some bonding with Bella and Charlie. [This will be a running theme in this review—that is something they tried to correct and with success, at least to my mind. Bella and Charlie really didn’t have much of a relationship in the book, because she was too busy mooning over Edward. They tried to emphasize it in this movie, showing that Charlie was very happy to have his daughter with him, but was unsure how to be a father because he hadn’t been with her for so long. The guy playing Charlie did a pretty good job, too, given what he had.]

--VOICE OVER!!! [Shawshank, Stephen King, and Morgan Freeman you are not, so shut up, Bella.]

--When it isn’t 80s John Hughes music, the score is actually kind of nice. [And it was.]

--Alice is cute. [She is—she is the best translation, probably, from the books to screen in terms of faithfulness. She looks like a little pixie and acts like one, too.]

--Oh, holy hell, PLOT!!! This early, too? And nice implication of Edward, there. [This movie tried to get on my good side by not dropping the plot on my head like an elephant and actually easing into it. And it also tried to create a little tension by timing the attack of a man to sync with the time Edward is out of class, sulking because Bella smelled like bacon, to sort of imply that Edward is not a nice vampire. Not bad. Not good, but not bad.]

--Oh, Wardo. You silly man. [RPattz played Edward’s reintroduction to Bella as strained, which Meyer failed to write in the novel. This is an improvement, as all we get to do is hear about how much difficulty Edward has around Bella, rather than actually seeing it. Granted, it doesn’t last long, but still. It’s the thought that counts.]

--The teacher looks like Monk. [As in, Adrian Monk. Or Jack Jeebs, from Men in Black. You know, Tony Shaloub.]

--Hmm. A little chemistry. [The first meetings with Bella and Edward were played a little more realistically than the ones Meyer wrote—as in, they acted like awkward teenagers who kinda like each other but won’t admit it.]

--Nice American accent. [RPattz did very well in that regard—particularly since, as I understand it, he didn’t train at all for it. I’m sure he had slip-ups, but I didn’t notice any on this viewing.]

--Smug bastard. [Edward has PMS. Just constant mood swings. And why he’d be smug about Bella not liking cold things is beyond me—that’s taking Alice’s vision that you will ZOMG be in love with her very seriously. You are so inconsistent about which visions you want to believe and which you don’t, you know.]

--Tight close-ups, geez, man. [To quote MST3K, this movie contains THE MOST FACE EVER CONTAINED ON A SINGLE SCREEN. I mean, I like RPattz, and don’t mind his face, but DUDE. I like to see the whole package, not just the face!]

--RPATTZ EYES OF DOOM!!! [Yeah, there were a lot of close-ups on his eyeballs, too. I know it was supposed to beat us over the head with the fact that his eyes changed color, but really, it sucks.]

--At least they are awkward at first. [This came back to bite my ass later.]

--RPattz has a very nice bum. [*glares* Shut up. I mean it.]

--Oh, you are creepy. [He is. Canon once again asserting itself and Edward is creepy, staring at her from across the parking lot.]

--SNAP!!! VAN OF DOOM!!! [They played that better, too. A) Bella noticed Edward just staring at her creepily before the van skidded towards her, instead of noticing him BEFORE she actually focused on the van about to totally make a Bella Pancake out of her. B) They simplified it. Hallelujah. Still silly, but, hey.]

--Intense Edward is intense. [Yep. He is.]

--THERE ARE SWOONING FANGIRLS IN HERE. [Remember how I said intense Edward was intense? I think that look he gave Bella gave all those girls up there spontaneous orgasms.]

--At least there is humor here. [Seriously—there was humor. Intentional humor. And Charlie showed genuine concern about his daughter, and NO, THE WHOLE SCHOOL DID NOT SHOW UP TO SEE IF SHE WAS OKAY. GODDAMMIT.]

--Ungrateful bitch. [Yep, that’s our Bella.]

--Bitchy, bitchy Edward. [Would you like a Midol, Eddie?]

--OH MY GOD HE IS IN HER ROOM STARING AT HER FROM THE FOOT OF THE BED GAH!!!!!!!!!! [Here is where Twilight became a horror movie for me. Bella wakes up. Low light is in the room. She sits up, looks down, gasps—quick pan, AND THERE HE IS, STANDING AT THE FOOT OF HER BED. He is STARING at her. AND HE LOOKS FUCKING CREEPY. I MEAN, HE IS CREEPY. SCARY. EVIL. It didn’t help that all the fangirls in the theater gave out adoring titters. And they tried to cover it by saying Bella was just dreaming it—no way, that’s BS. I know all about Midnight Sun.]

--Matchmaker. Bleh. [Yeah, they left the whole Bella-the-matchmaker in the movie. It’s just as bad on celluloid.]

--You are a creepy stalker. [I think we all know who I’m talking about.]

--Alice is bubbly. Nice. [Alice lovers shouldn’t be too disappointed. She’s likeable enough.]

--Oh, some character development. Shocking. [They appear to be making Charlie as likeable as possible. I approve.]

--Hmm. Bella and Edward appear to have gone to Chemistry. But they may have flunked quite a few times before getting it right. [Yeah. There is some chemistry between the actors. But, because of the script they were given, it’s often smothered.]

--IRONY!!!! Strong and independent?! Oh, no you di’int! [Yes, it features Bella Swan telling Angela to grab the reins and ask Eric out herself, because she’s a strong and independent woman, after all. HA!!!]

--No seduction of Jacob. THANK YOU. [Yes, it just looked like a pleasant conversation between two friends—and they did kind of look like friends, too. We weren’t told, either. They acted generally friendly towards each other, even though Jacob screen-time was pretty scarce. Not only that, but he didn’t just spell out the whole story for her—he just sort of gave her a few leads and hints in the form of an old legend.]

--More plot! I am shocked. [But also disappointed. We’d set up some tension that could’ve been threaded through the whole movie—the implication that Edward and/or the Cullens are the ones behind the murders that are happening in town. But no, they kill that immediately by introducing the villains. Boo.]

--Apple product placement! i c wut u did thar. [Yep, where would we be without Apple computers? Screw you, bitch. Give me a PC any day.]

--OH MY GOD HE IS WATCHING HER FROM THE BUSHES. [Yeeeeaaaaaah. He totally was. And it’s creepy.]

--She’s actually doing something?! [Yes, the almost-rape scene features a somewhat empowered female again. She actively tells them to leave her alone, and then knees one in the groin. She actually tries to fight instead of merely contemplating the fate that awaits her. Thank you.]

--Yay, it’s the Volvo of Great Justice! [Yep, he just spun into view.]

--Oh yes, you go get ‘em, Hair. [RPattz is right—he just can’t pull off the, “Grr, I am a deadly puma vampire, be frightened of me!” He’s too damned cute. But the growl they put in ain’t bad.]

--Good eyebrows. [Every single hair on RPattz’s body is awesome.]

--Hair! [Shaddup. At least I fangirled on paper, instead of shrieking and gasping and tittering out loud.]

--OMG creepy lines. [Edward’s already got that whole “You are mine and no one else’s, bitch” thing going.]

--Bad dialogue, thirty lashes. [*points* They returned to canonical lines. Blame is entirely at Meyer’s feet. Stewart and Pattinson tried. You can tell.]

--Plot! *rolls about in it* [Yep, the plot actually keeps showing up—this time in the form of Bella and Edward driving home and seeing Dr. Cullen’s car as well as Charlie’s at the scene of the latest vampire murder.]

--Bonding between the Swans. Nice. [I don’t remember who the old man was that they killed. However, it was a good friend of Charlie’s, and Bella actively tries to comfort him. Again, they handled their relationship a lot better than Meyer did. Not saying much, but still.]

--Dead man gives her visions of Edward? [Okay, she sees a dead body and has flashbacks about Edward’s smoldering eyes? WTF?]

--Actual research?! OMG! [Thank GOD. We have Bella actively researching the partial legend that Jacob told her. It was just a huge infodump that revealed the whole plot in the book—instead, it’s introduced in pieces. It’s not very good, but at least it’s gradual. And the sites she went to at least looked a little legit.]

--*giggle* Harlequin vampire Edward. [Okay, that was friggin’ hilarious. I almost burst out laughing then. Bella has a dream that she is a harlequin romance heroine, all dressed up in red and draped across a couch, and here comes Edward who totally looks like the Phantom of the Opera. He sweeps in and bites her neck. I had to bite my pen to keep from laughing.]

--Well, at least she seems afraid. [And she did for just a moment. But I pretty much took that comment back immediately. No points.]

--Say my name, bitch! [Yep, he did. And ENOUGH PANS. YOU’VE CIRCLED THEM THREE TIMES NOW.]

--SPARKLESON!!!!! [Ah, the sparklies. They were actually…less offensive than I expected, believe it or not. It was still very offensive and an OBVIOUS contrivance to get RPattz to open up his shirt and reveal himself in all his glory (which was a noble cause, to my mind, but the sparklies ruined it for me), but it was not nearly as bad as it could’ve been IMO. And the line they made him say afterwards…*cringe* I can’t even bring myself to type it. Go see it yourself if you’re so desperate to know. It was that retarded. I know most people are actively complaining about the sparklies and how ridiculous they were, but a) that’s canon, yo, don’t get too mad at the movie, and b) that LINE rather distracted me from the sparklies, thank you very much.]

--Aww—Eddie hates himself. [Remember how RPattz said he was going to play Edward as a manic-depressive who hates himself? He was most assuredly NOT lying.]

--WTF you saying it doesn’t matter, Bella?! [Here’s where I felt a strong desire to slap Bella. They changed the part where Edward covers his ass by saying, “Well, I had a dark time and was not ‘with’ Carlisle for about ten years, there.” No, he outright says, “Dude, I have killed people. I’m a killer, I’m a murderer, I drink blood and like it, and I’d totally like to crack you open, babe.” And she replies with, “I don’t care, I trust you.” DUDE. YOU ARE AN IDIOT.]

--Yeah…they flunked Chemistry. But, hey—they got it right in the end. [A lot of this dialogue is canon, so it sucks. Poor Stewart and Pattinson—I can’t blame them.]

--Love was just bamf’d into the scene! [Remember I said my fondness of their awkward teenaged flirting would come back and bite me on the ass? That just happened—took a big wet bite out of it, too. I can’t tell which romance is worse—the book or the movie. Meyer’s version: We are madly in love. Movie’s version: Awkward flirting, hints of chemistry—BAM, we are madly in love. *holds head*]

--Goo-goo eyes time. [At this point, I was rubbing my head from a headache. Meadow scene = no, no, no.]

--NO!!!!! THE HIDEOUS THREE THINGS LINE!!!!! *kills self* [OF ALL THE THINGS TO INCLUDE IN THE DREADED VOICE OVER!!!!! They just had to include the line I hated most?! The “unconditionally and irrevocably in love” line?! And it just boils down to the movie having exactly the same problem as the book—the “love” is so unbelievable they actually have to tell us they are in love, rather than show us. They went to all the trouble of making the first parts of their relationship believable, and then they just copped out like that!! *attacks the screenwriters*]

--They are screaming. THE AUDIENCE IS SCREAMING. [I didn’t hear a word of what Bella and Edward said in that scene. The minute he swept out of that Volvo wearing those shades (and with his hair), looking as handsome as ever, the back of the theater exploded. Spontaneous orgasms, away!]

--Emmett rules. [Because he does. Plain and simple. Because it is so obvious that this movie drew inspiration from “Growing Up Cullen”. I mean, he practically told Rosalie, “Lighten up, gal, it’s all for the lulz” when she threw her tantrum.]

--Rosalie = bitch. [Canon yet again. Normally, I’d be cheering her on, since I hate Bella too, but I know why she hates Bella. And that sucks.]

--I like Jasper. [I kinda did, too. Or, at least, I liked the way the guy playing him played it. He was all stiff and restrained and looked like he wanted to eat her.]

--At least the first meeting was a little awkward. [The family meeting was indeed awkward. It wasn’t, “Hi, we all immediately love you!” Rosalie smashed a bowl. And they actually acted like a family—I did quirk a smile at Edward’s remark regarding Rosalie: “Just ignore her—I do.”]

--Eat her, Edward! [Yep, he looks like he wants to eat her again.]

--Okay, I concede. They didn’t fail Chemistry too many times. [Yeah, you can tell they’re really trying. They are.]

--RPattz, you are totally dead. A fangirl is going to eat you before you reach age twenty-five. [They are. He has The Hair, the look, he plays guitar and piano, he’s British, and he played Edward. He’s just…doomed.]

--WTF Bella’s Lullaby? [I’m not complaining about the song. It was actually kind of pretty, but I like almost anything played on piano. No, I’m complaining about the setting. What is WITH all the fog?! Or is it dust? I can’t tell. Either way, it looks like something out of a music video, not a movie!]

--Glorious plot! [Yes, we see the cops hunting for the bad vamps. We are actually being reminded of a plot.]

--STALKER!!!!!! [He just appears in her room again. Granted, it’s not NEARLY as creepy as the time he is at the foot of her bed, but still. Then he goes on to talk about how he’s been friggin’ watching her…]

--Screaming fangirls again! [Yeeeeaaaahhh…they thought the above comment was romantic.]

--Makey-outy time! [Yep. They make out. It starts out all slow, like Meyer had it written, and then it quickly turns into an, “OMG I THROW YOU ON THE BED AND I AM TOTALLY GONNA DO YOU RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW TAKE OFF YOUR PANTIES BECAUSE IFYOU DON’T I WILL ACCIDENTALLY EAT THEM IN MY HASTE TO SEX YOU UP.” Which is considerably more realistic. Then Edward goes all cock-blocker on us and tries to throw himself through the wall.]

--Montage scenes? Too little, too late. [More canon insertion—getting to know each other after they fall in love. It doesn’t WORK that way. So, while the montages of them getting to know each other and talking and laughing and acting like friends are nice, they just don’t work because they’ve already confessed their love to each other.]

--Oh, RPattz. [Bella sleeping on him. He looks all, “I wanna eat her,” instead of pure, “Oh, my love is so pure.” He actually played it like it totally wasn’t. Well, he did here, at least.]

--Nice shotgun. Humor! Hallelujah! [Okay, I laughed—I actually did laugh. And it was an intentional laugh. Bella announces to Charlie that she is dating Edward. He doesn’t bellow, as is dictated by the book, but merely looks suspicious. She says Wardo’s here to pick her up, and Charlie snaps the shotgun he’s cleaning closed and tells her to bring him in. Yes, it was a predictable joke, but at least it was relatively funny.]

--Pretty movie. [The settings are gorgeous and lush. With that I have no problems.]

--Emmett RULES!!! [Know why? Because he is so TOTALLY the Emmett from “Growing Up Cullen”, that’s why!]

--‘Kay, just as awkward in the book. [Yeah, the meeting of the bad vampires is awkward and badly done. Boo.]

--Why are you staring at Edward? [The whole time James and Edward make eyes stare at each other, Bella’s just staring at Edward. I don’t get it.]

--The part with Charlie is very, very well done. Good emotion, and pretty good acting. [Right. The movie just managed to pwn Meyer. I didn’t expect it to do that, but it did. The scene where Bella leaves Charlie actually pulled a little at my heart strings. It was very well done, and the establishment of their relationship earlier helped, too. The way Charlie tries to promise that he’ll be around more, and Bella has to smack him down and then throw her Mom’s parting shot in his face just so she can keep him safe—yeah, it was well done. Pwned, Meyer. Pwned. And it makes me ill that you’re making money off of it.]

--Megacheese. [The big goodbye between Edward and Bella. *rolls eyes*]

--James really needs a mustache. [So he can twirl it. So does Victoria, now that I think about it.]

--Much better reason for Mom to have returned early. [James says she got a strange call from Charlie, rather than her just showing up early against all odds. That makes much more sense. Granted, Bella’s still an idiot, but…]

--VOICE OVER, DAMMIT. [Don’t repeat that, we’ve already heard the prologue!]

--She actually did something! [Yep, I already mentioned this. She actively tried to defend herself this time around instead of sitting there and allowing herself to be killed.]

--So begins the slash! [Edward and James are totally doing each other.]

--A fight! Yay! [Take that, Meyer. As badly done as it is, as slashy as it is, it’s an ACTION SCENE. You really need to learn how to do them.]

--Edward is clearly practicing for Breaking Dawn, there. [Takes a big bite out of James’s neck. Can’t wait to watch him take big bites out of Bella’s uterus.]

--The Disposal Team is here! [Sweet action, man. We see them dispose of James. Alice frickin’ tears his head off with a loud snap. And then they burn him. And Emmett dances around like he just scored a touchdown. Emmett rules. And the whole scene was a vast improvement over the book.]

--Contrived. [Yeah, yeah. Carlisle, I seriously want to like you, but you’re going to have to work to get me to forgive you actually making Edward suck the venom out.]

--APPROPRIATE DRAMA. [Well played. There was no calm sucking out of the venom. Edward was latched onto her and totally in a feeding frenzy. Carlisle repeatedly tells him to stop, and we never see him actually stop.]

--Charlie is acknowledged! THANK YOU, DAMMIT!!! [I was so pleased. Inordinately pleased. This movie better kiss my ass—I paid to see it and knew I wouldn’t like it. And they did something that seriously pissed me off in the book—they had Bella want to go back to Forks so she could apologize to Charlie and try to explain herself for the way she behaved first thing. There was absolutely NOTHING about that in the books. Granted, we didn’t actually see her having to patch things up, which pissed me off, but it was MENTIONED.]

--Played too well. Pathetic, co-dependent bint. [Stewart, I don’t hate you. I don’t. I hate the character you play. And right here, she played her to a tee.]

--Foreshadowing. [It was heavy-handed, but there was indeed foreshadowing about Jacob being a werewolf/shapeshifter/whatever.]

--At least Edward didn’t have to say, “Bella, don’t be difficult.” [Bella went to prom willingly, and she wasn’t dressed to the nines like some stupid teenaged fantasy, either. That rather relieved me.]

--Bitch, please. [Bella is already begging to be changed. *spits*]

--Oh, a set-up. Smacked again, Meyer. [This movie set up their hopes for a sequel. They dropped hints about Victoria still being out there and pissed and about the werewolves. And, given that the opening weekend is going to bring in almost half of what they are asking for when it comes to sequel budgets? Yeah, I think we’ll be seeing New Moon in a couple of years. Don’t see how, though. That book is about NOTHING.]





--Right. I am personally rather shocked that this movie was given the budget it had. $37 million? For an adaptation of something that huge? So, given that that is all this movie had, it is no surprise that the effects were less than stellar. It was painfully obvious most of the time that they were on wires when we had vampire leaping, and vampire speed running was…just sped-up normal speed. No. Bad. This is almost ten years after The Matrix, and The Matrix had more impressive wire-work.

--Overall, the acting was not entirely terrible. It was rather off and on. It varied a lot—good to over to under to please-stop-you-are-embarrassing-yourself. However, I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt—given that they not only had crap to work with but also had Meyer breathing down their necks to play it how SHE wanted it, not to mention crazy fans who would gladly eviscerate them unless they played it JUST LIKE THE BOOKS, I’d definitely be willing to see them play other things in other movies. I mean, RPattz played an excellent Cedric, after all. And perhaps it was on orders that Stewart stuttered so much—I mean, in the books, Bella hyperventilates every five minutes. So, I will reserve judgment on any kind of their abilities, and tentatively chalk it up to poor material. I mean, it does happen—I’ve seen Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Ewan MacGregor was trying his ass off, but the dialogue renders Obi-Wan as stilted and as stiff as Whineakin, who quite obviously sucked.

--The script was extremely choppy, and for a very obvious reason—you can clearly tell where the screenwriter and Meyer differ. Whenever they quote or paraphrase directly from canon? It’s bad. But then it becomes bearable when they veer away and do something else. Such as Edward and Bella’s initial dialogue—it’s not perfect, and it’s not Tarantino, but it’s vaguely believable. Then Meyer sticks her nose into it and it all goes to pot. So, it’s extremely inconsistent. They should’ve gone with one or the other.

--The character development was inconsistent. While they tried their best to develop certain characters, it was done at the cost of others. Such as Bella’s supposed friends—there was a scene that could’ve been effective had her friends been developed, along with her relationship with them. As she is shuttled out of Forks to save her from James, she stares wistfully at her friends exiting a restaurant. They are laughing and having a good time, and she can only wish she was with them, rather than being chased by a crazy vampire who wants to eat her. But, because her relationship with her friends and her friends in general were not developed, it fails to work for me. Then, of course, there’s poor RPattz. He tries—he really does. But…well, when there is no character at all to work with in the first place…

--This movie rested upon RPattz’s skinny shoulders. Edward was the star, Edward was the one fangirls came to see. And he is Edward. As such, he was pretty much having to carry the entire movie. And I can say for a fact that, by the end, it had brought him to his knees. He gets props for trying, but nobody—and I mean nobody, not even a man with tons of experience who’s won Oscars and Golden Globes and has tons of adoring fans can carry a movie like this on his shoulders without collapsing.





So—did I think it was better than the book?

Ultimately? Yes.

However, at its heart, it’s still a movie based on the book Twilight. And that book is awful. As such…yeah. The movie is bad. It is still Twilight. While the plot tries to assert itself, it’s still a weak plot. While the actors try their damndest to make their characters interesting, they’re still the same crappy characters from the book. And while the effects try to be cool, they don’t have the budget.

It’s still Twilight, folks. It doesn’t quite drown in a bucket of fail, but somebody was sure holding it down trying to drown it. And my feelings upon exiting the theater? They weren’t quite, “Oh God, I’ll never get those hours of my life back,” which I was saying when I first saw Titanic (or, rather, the scenes I saw of Titanic), but were more like, “Dude—I paid money to see that. Oh well—not like it was a whole lot. And $5.50 is almost worth it to see RPattz’s hair for that long.”



As I was very close to the front and on the outside of my row close to the exit, the minute I saw the credits roll, I hopped out of my seat and ran out. I was the first one out of the theater, something I’ve never done before. And, as I made my way out, I hear a dull roar slowly growing louder the more I approached the lobby. I burst out of the door, rounded the corner, and…

The movie theater lobby is a large one. It is not like a mall lobby, but it’s no slouch. And it—was—PACKED. Filled to the brim with girls, girls, girls. And there were two screens showing Twilight, one on the right side of the theater, one on the left, and there were huge lines to both. I saw “Team Edward” shirts, heard a bunch of “ZOMG I can’t wait to see Edward!” cries, and struggled quite a bit to get out of there with my skin. I fought my way to the door, pushed it open…and there were more lines. Keep in mind that it was really cold. But no, there were people waiting outside to get into the theater. That’s how crowded it was.

So…I’m really glad I didn’t decide on the 7:10 p.m. showing. The 4:40 p.m. was bad enough.

Peace out.

( New Moon: Preface )
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