Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
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Twilight Notes: Chapters 10-14

Previously, on “This is so Boring I’m Sleeping in My Rice”…

1. Bella had a SIMBOLIK dream.
2. Bella had a girls’ night out with some friends which quickly degenerated into Bella wandering off on her own in a strange town in order to fall into the hands of a group of evil rapists.
3. Edward appeared out of nowhere and saved her in his silver Volvo.
4. They went to dinner.
5. Bella revealed her theories that Edward was a vampire and he confessed.
6. Bella is “unconditionally and irrevocably” in love with Edward.
7. Mervin threw up a little in her mouth.

So, once more unto the breach.



Chapter 10 – Interrogations

--Folks, I’m sorry if the next few chapters—err, next eight or nine chapters, that is—aren’t exactly thorough. I’m fairly sure I’ve entered into the infamous 200-page stretch that is basically nothing but Edward and Bella making goo-goo eyes at each other and declaring their love for each other and—oh, Lord, I hate romance enough as it is, unless it involves heavy doses of humor, very good characters, and/or a very good message, and this is not only horribly written with completely unlikable characters, but it also has no humor whatsoever and a terrible message. So, do forgive if it’s not up to snuff.

--*dully* Hi, Edward. It’s so good to see you so early in the morning. Usually Meyer waits to throw you on us until Bella gets to school—now she’s got you waiting in the driveway. Can’t wait for the moment she just starts waking up to him.

--Given how excited Bella gets just in Edward’s presence, I am going to be very disappointed if Bella doesn’t orgasm the instant Edward kisses her. Because, hey—if you’re going to be extreme when it comes to how charmed Bella is by Edward, you might as well go all the way.

--“"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural. It makes me wonder what you're really thinking."” Actually, it’s just bad acting. Bella is the Lance Fuller of the literary world—no reaction whatsoever, no matter what the scene calls for.

--Yeah, Edward, you are breaking all the rules regarding human/vampire interactions. I’m surprised nobody’s said anything thus far.

--Hmm. Given with how often her heart splutters and suffers from tachycardia when he barely touches her, I’m holding out for her suffering from a massive infarction if he ever grabs her boob.

--I adore how, all throughout this conversation, she isn’t saying a word to Jessica—she’s talking to Edward. *sigh*

--“"Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.” Fucking hypocrite. ‘Scuse my language, but that seriously just rubbed me wrong.

--“…looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to…” I was JOKING when I called him an Adonis!

--Oh, even the seniors gossip about what Bella Swan does. This is just great. *growls irritably*

--Ah, so Meyer here kicks up the bad author’s requirement of including the title in the work up a notch—she not only included the title, but she also included the cover art!

--Bella, stop reveling in the fact that everybody is staring at you and your gorgeous boyfriend. It’s very irritating.

--Oh no. Bella just gave the “I’m so ordinary” speech. That can only mean one thing. I’m doomed. *straps in and puts on a helmet* Let’s just get this over with, Edward.

--“"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know. I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things," he chuckled blackly, "but you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."” *splutters* Ev—EVERY HUMAN MALE???!!!! Meyer’s kicking my cat again!

--“"And you don't think I would do the same [leave to keep you safe]?"” Keep in mind this is Bella angrily asking this after Edward says he cares about her more than she cares about him, because he wants to leave and keep her safe. Dude—Bella already said she couldn’t keep away from him. So…no, Bella, I don’t think you’d do the same. You already have no fight-or-flight instinct in regards to predators, so it’s safe to assume that you probably don’t have any consideration for human life, either.

--“I would have argued, but now I wanted him to be expecting disasters.” Yes, Bella wants Edward to think she’s constantly going to have problems befalling her just so he’ll stay around her to keep her safe. No need to worry, Bella—he’ll follow you around and stalk you whether you have disasters following you or not.

--You know, I’m already sick of Edward being able to rip Bella’s spine right out of her back with a single look. And I still have a lot more to go. *sighs for the umpteenth time*

--I’m also pretty damned sick of listening to Edward ask about what Bella’s thinking. I’ll answer that for you, Edward—nothing. Not a single thought in that empty little bubble head of hers.

--“"Is that something I might get to see?"” So, not only does she have absolutely no fight-or-flight response to a predator, but she actively wants to watch these people slaughter wild animals? I can see why people consider Bella so charming.





Chapter 11 – Complications

--*moans and claws at her own face* PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP DESCRIBING HOW BOWLED OVER BELLA IS BY EDWARD. I’M DYING, HERE. I GET IT, MEYER. YOU LOVE EDWARD CULLEN AND YOU WANT HIM TO PUT A LITTLE VAMP IN YOUR IRE. I DON’T.

--“"He looks at you like… like you're something to eat," he continued, ignoring me.
I choked back the hysteria that threatened to explode, but a small giggle managed to get out despite my efforts.” This is apparently what Meyer thinks is humor. Well, it’s actually not. It just makes me wanna shake Bella and say, “HINT HINT, BITCH.”

--Your argument with Mike? What argument? I didn’t see any argument. I saw him make a very observant and serious comment—you are a piece of meat to Edward in many different senses of the phrase. You didn’t really disagree with him, or argue the point at all. So, where was the argument?

--So, basically, Bella’s not allowed to talk to any other boy, ever, lest Edward get pissed. Hmm. Good to see the rules by which this relationship shall be governed early.

--So, Edward capturing her with his eyes results in her not breathing anymore? *wryly* Bella, I believe breathing is involuntary—just don’t think about it so much.

--Oh, look, now we get to see Bella having wet dreams after that romantic evening with Edward. That’s exactly what I wanted to see. What next—Edward masturbating?

--You don’t sympathize with anyone, Bella, least of all your father. So you can just shut your hole.

--Excruciating—yes, Meyer, let’s go with that. What a choice word to put into your book, regardless of what it was describing.

--I’m guessing that Meyer couldn’t think to get permission to mention the names of any modern bands for Bella to listen to, so she very awkwardly dances around the name of the CD Bella was listening to a few nights ago.

--Now Edward is doing a very long interrogation to find out exactly what she likes and dislikes and what her life was like. So, fall in love, ask questions later? Meyer, it doesn’t work that way.

--It’s never a good thing when even the characters reveal that they are merely obsessed with one another.

--That’s very weird. The classroom goes dark, and Bella immediately wants to jump Edward’s bones. Or maybe she wants to eat him, too.

--Yeah, it’s already happening—just as I suspected. The epic sweeping love story of Bella and Edward has begun, and one by one, every other minor character who existed previously is dropping off of the face of the earth. To quote Bella, “Grr.”

--“"Charlie!" I suddenly recalled his existence, and sighed.” … No comment.

--There was “twilight” usage #2! Should I be keeping a running tally of that, too?

--Somebody get Bella some heart medication—she’s got serious problems. She has tachycardia and gallops.

--Now, this could introduce an interesting problem, with Billy Black suspecting that Edward is a vampire. However, I’m willing to bet it never comes back up in this story. I’m pretty sure I’m slowly but surely catching onto the patterns of this story.





Chapter 12 – Balancing

--*squints—peers about* You know…I’m 213 pages in. That’s about the halfway point. I believe something is missing from this story…hmm…what could it be…oh, right. A plot. I can’t find a plot. Thanks, Meyer.

--And, of course, Bella begins bemoaning the fact that now Jacob fancies her. That’s like a girl getting mad that her boyfriend expects her to put out after she lets him get a hand up her skirt.

--Okay, here’s where I’m confused. There are a lot of hints here that Charlie actively likes the Cullens, not to mention that it’s also implied they are the wealthiest people in town. And yet, Bella is making a big deal out of keeping her relationship with Edward a secret. I don’t get it.

--“It was a long night. I had a lot of homework that was going undone, but I was afraid to leave Billy alone with Charlie. Finally, the game ended.” *is thrown violently forward in time* Ow.

--Bella is a deceitful little bitch, end of story. I actively like Charlie, and it’s disgusting to see him going along without knowing this about his daughter.

--“The tense evening with Billy and Jacob seemed harmless enough now; I decided to forget it completely.” I change my mind. Now I think it’s going to come in somewhere as important, because that is an Airhead-style dead-herring, right there.

--When Edward and Bella are finally married, they’re going to be the type who go to the bathroom together, aren’t they? I mean, if Bella can’t stand being away for him for any inordinate amount of time…

--“Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him.” Somewhere out there, I am positive that somebody has written a very good hate-fic where Edward tears her head off and sucks her body dry. Someday, I will find that fic. And I will laugh.

--Yes, lies are just springing to her lips. I can see how Edward is such a positive influence on her.

--*eyes the book beadily* Why is Bella telling everybody she’s cancelling the Seattle trip?

--Don’t give me any bullshit about being guilty for lying. You make me sick.

--Seemed like your life was all about Edward? Honey, don’t be so delusional. It is totally all about Edward.

--“I woke early, having slept soundly and dreamlessly thanks to my gratuitous drug use.” This story has the greatest messages for young children, doesn’t it?

--“"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly," I reminded him.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me— if you don't come home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.

I nodded, keeping my eyes on the road.” Oh. For once, Meyer decided to answer my question. That’s why Bella is telling everyone she cancelled the Seattle trip. To ensure that, in case Edward completely snaps and rips her into itty pitty pieces and bathes in her blood, he won’t have any trouble with police or anybody. I am literally speechless. It’s gonna be tough to beat that display of doormat-ness, trying to keep her potential murderer safe and providing him with even more temptations to do her in. However, I don’t doubt that she can do it. It’s just a matter of when—Hyde tells me it’s in the next book. I am a-quiver with anticipation.

--How many random interjections of Edward’s unending beauty are we going to have to endure? Please—don’t answer that.

--“I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.” Does that even make any sense?

--Oh my holy God, they are literally about to frolic through a field of flowers and butterflies. I’ll just be over here. Vomiting.





Chapter 13 – Confessions

--I admit, the sparkliness was a little less spectacular than I’d expected. Given the descriptions I’d heard on various comms, I expected something much more glamorous. However, I guess they were merely exaggerations. It’s ridiculous, yes, but not total disco ball as I was lead to believe.

--I think I’m right. I think Bella does want to eat Edward. They’re both vores.

--Well, at least Bella was at least vaguely frightened when Edward catalogued all of his advantages over her and showed how easily he could turn her into mush. Not that it has penetrated her skull in the slightest, because not one page later, she’s already babbling on about how she’s so happy Edward is selfish and can’t keep away.

--You know, sometimes I have to read these conversations three or four times to figure out who’s talking.

--“How calmly I could discuss my own death!” Gah. I was suddenly launched headfirst into Victoria, Gethsemane’s creation. Why does Meyer feel it necessary to emulate the styles of all the Suethors I hate most?

--Good God, is he ever going to shut up? He’s been talking for two straight pages without interruption! Even when Tolkien did that, it dragged! Shut up, John Galt! However, on the subject of his speech…I’m gonna venture out on a limb and say that none of this puts Bella off of this relationship, listening to Edward describe in detail how he wants to suck her dry.

--“"The thought of you, still, white, cold…to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses… it would be unendurable."” Nobody in 2005 speaks like this. Nobody EVER spoke like this.

--“Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness…” I beg to differ. Continuity, anybody?

--Um…he’s listening to your heartbeat. Normally, that’d be just so romantic. But, um, need I remind you that he’s a vampire? Your pulse is a dinner bell.

--Oh, hurrah. THEIR LUV IZ PASTEDE ON YEY.

--“There was no resisting the iron strength of his hands.” Meyer? You know something? It’s never good when you write a sentence into a scene that is supposed to be romantic and funny and my mind immediately jumps to the rape of Nadine in Stephen King’s The Stand.

--Bleh. Here comes the first kiss.

--How the hell did they manage to wait until Breaking Dawn for good old fashioned intercourse? Edward’s an extremely old 17-year-old virgin and Bella’s easier than that waitress earlier in the story. It just doesn’t seem realistic.

--“It would cause me physical pain to be separated from him now.” *takes Edward away* Ha ha, eat pain, bitch!

--Yeah, yeah, it’s all very romantic that they get drunk off of each other’s smell. It’d be more romantic if I didn’t think of a turkey dinner whenever they started getting sexy with each other, given how they both go on about how delicious the other is.





Chapter 14 – Mind Over Matter

--Ah, so we finally find out how old Edward is. It only took us, what, 260 pages and fourteen chapters to get there?

--Sorry, Edward. Your transformation just isn’t nearly as entertaining as Bella’s. Heh—mutant babies…

--Actually, I find myself more interested in Carlisle at this point. Edward has made it quite clear that vampires go nutty when blood is around. And yet Carlisle’s a doctor—he was introduced while tending some kid’s slashed face. Didn’t see him even twitch. He must be made of complete awesome. Why don’t we get to hear about him instead of this creep?

--You’re really hungry, and yet you won’t leave dear Edward’s presence? See, Meyer just keeps presenting me with all sorts of creative ways to kill Bella. Stop tempting me.

--“"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.” You were—you—I— *throws up her hands* Fuck it. And fuck you. Fuck you both. Fuck all three of you—that means you too, Meyer.

--And it gets even better. Makes me wish I didn’t know just to what extreme that he spies on her in Midnight Sun. This is sick.

--Well, Edward, most boys are not necessarily ashamed of their wet dreams, but they typically do not tell the subject of their wet dreams about said wet dreams.

--Okay, Bella, we get it—your dad is horrendously flawed, ugly, and clumsy, while Edward is perfect.

--And yet again, I’m reminded of better works with the scene where Edward winds up in Bella’s bedroom. What’s sad is that the work I’m reminded of is A Nightmare on Elm Street. And Meyer? When a slasher flick has more substance than your little story does…well…

--You just went on your second date today, and you’re already wishing you had lingerie to show off. As I said before—and they waited until Breaking Dawn for sex why, exactly?

--Geez, she actually called him “Adonis”. *rubs forehead*

--It’s one thing for an SI to smell his girlfriend often because he likes the smell of her perfume or her shampoo or her lotion. It is quite another for an SI to smell his girlfriend because he thinks she smells like the most delicious thing in the world. But Bella finds this all very flattering. Naturally—because she’s an idiot.

--“I scowled. I didn't like the talk of leaving.” Bella. Sweetie. Darlin’. Honey. Babe. He’s talking about leaving so he can keep you alive. Did you ever consider that, if he ate you, you wouldn’t be with him anymore?

--*laughs abrasively* Oh, Meyer, you are a riot. First you brazenly declare in your own text that your concept of vampires is totally unlike anything portrayed in movies and completely unique. Now you’re trying to claim this love story isn’t typical to most love stories? Well, okay, I must actually confess that most love stories don’t feature a stalker as creepy and tenacious as Edward. So, props to you, Meyer.

--Edward, stop talking about how you watch Bella sleep. It’s scary, and you’re an icky troll.

--How come the issue that Edward’s initial attraction to Bella was sheer and undeniable hunger isn’t coming up during this wonderful and romantic interlude up in Bella’s bedroom?

--Meyer, why must you insist upon reminding me of totally inappropriate things with your prose? Edward is suddenly under the covers with Bella. I’m waiting for the following to appear in the text: “‘Surprise!’ Edward said as he boned young Bella up the ass.”

--So, it’s confirmed—Bella doesn’t ignore the fact that Edward wants to devour her—quite the contrary. She actually thinks it’s cute.

--Two dates, a lot of talk about how edible she is, and it’s time to make wedding plans. *applauds* Very good, Bella. You seriously know how to make my jaw drop. FYI, women who jump into commitment that fast usually send men running in the opposite direction.

--And then they start talking about sex and that they definitely want to bone each other—and yet, nothing happens. She’s quite willing—eager, even—and nothing. Edward doesn’t even poke her in the thigh with his third leg. No groping, no grinding, just perfectly chaste cuddling. BULLSHIT. This is one of the stupidest and most widespread fanfic clichés out there. Two teenagers aren’t going to get horizontal with nothing happening! And if anybody says, “Well, it’s because Edward’s from 1901! He has propriety!” I still call total bullshit. If he had early 1900s standards of propriety, he wouldn’t have been in her bed in the first place. He wouldn’t be STALKING her in the first place!





Final Thoughts

Yes, it is more evident than ever that I have entered into that loooooooooong and pointless stretch of NOTHING that I’d heard so much about. I covered quite a few chapters this stretch, and the commenting overall is very short. I just…no. There’s nothing to say, at this point.

And that is yet another similarity to Airhead this author decides to use. Plot? Who needs plot when we could watch our young lovers flit and frolic about and revel in their true love and romance? Then the author realizes that maybe some plot is needed to keep some readers’ attention, and she injects it at the very end, making sure to resolve it quickly so everyone can have just the happiest little ending ever. And this appears to be the worst stretch of “ZOMG EDWARD IS SO AWESOME”, too. I mean, it just DOESN’T STOP. Robert Pattinson is right—Meyer made no effort at all to disguise the fact that Edward is her wet dream. Little mannerisms, specific actions—it all screams things that the author finds cute or sexy.

I have very little on the lines of Final Thoughts this time around, unfortunately, because my thoughts would merely echo stuff said much better by others—Edward’s a stalker, Bella’s an obsessive twit, everybody in the book who isn’t a beautiful vampire is falling off the face of the earth, this relationship is disgusting, etc. There is no need for me to talk about it.

So, I’m afraid I’ll have to catch you all next time for a long extended session of discussing Twilight. Ciao.



Stinger: “"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me— if you don't come home?"”

( Chapter 15 - The Cullens )

So, I did a little research into the Twilight movie, because sick fascination, Robert Pattinson, my inner desire to be a movie critic in my spare time, and my love of movie theaters in general are still all trying to force me to go watch this film come November 21st. Actually, my research consisted of me going through the Twilight book while IMing with Hyde, and she sent me all the links after she’d discovered it. But let’s not split hairs. So, I read about who Meyer herself originally wanted to play Edward—Henry Cavil. I’m guessing it’s because he just happens to be her #1 lust object. Kind of like me writing a book with me as the star and casting, say, Alan Rickman in the romantic interest role. I saw a picture of Cavil, and I must say, he might’ve done very well—he kind of has built-in smug. Not to say anything against him, I’ve never seen a single film of his nor have I ever seen any quotes or interviews. But, still—he looks very smug. Then I found out who the fans themselves wanted to play Edward.

Now, I’ve always considered the majority of Twifans to be complete and utter dimbulbs. If you’ve read their wank reports over at f_w, you know why. But then I saw who they wanted—and decided that no, they are brilliant. They are casting geniuses.

They all wanted Hayden Christiansen

You know—Whineakin Skywanker. The guy who was a self-absorbed little twit who thought he was better than everyone else. The guy who had a stalker-obsession with the girl he “loved”. The guy involved in a relationship that was so “our luv iz pastede on yey” it made me want to throw a shoe through my TV when I first saw it. And, of course, the guy who would deliver the clunky and completely emotionless dialogue so flawlessly you’d think he was made of wood—which I already do. Hyde disagrees—she thinks he’s wet toast. And, as far as I can tell, little Hayden pretty much always plays a self-absorbed little twit, no matter what role he does.

So, I salute you, Twifans. Awesome choice. And part of me very much wishes that turd had gotten the role, because then I wouldn’t be feeling so sorry for RPattz, nor would I be so tempted to actually go see the damned movie. Because I cannot stand Hayden Christiansen.

Dammit.

And on that note, Robert Pattinson is awesome. But we all already knew that, didn’t we?
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