Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

Child of Grace

I CAN’T. STOP. SPORKING HER. I seriously wanted to take a break for a while from this! I sat down, and suddenly, I was sporking her again!

Okay, just a warning to everybody. This author touches on some pretty sensitive material in this chapter. I remained as neutral as I possibly could.



Chapter Sixteen: Written in Stone

Me: The author opens up with one incredibly sappy paragraph.


Holly woke with a smile the next morning, a contented and slightly bitter-sweet smile. She had talked with her parents; she had actually talked with them, though they were dead, but they’d crossed from beyond to see her. They had come back from death itself just to see her, speak with her. And Holly would treasure that for the rest of her life.

Yes, isn’t it sweet that she summoned her parents back against their will to come talk with her? A major point of the series just sailed over our beloved author’s head, ladies and gentlemen.

Holly: Oh, it is so good I rise earlier than everybody else. If I was one of the last to get up, people might look at my naked body and notice the scars I have. Oh, woe is me. *wakes up Luna*

Luna: *is perfectly joyous*

Holly: That means she, too, has talked with her dead mother.

Me: If it was this easy to speak to the dead, don’t you think more people would do it? Oh, wait, my mistake—only the most awesomest people are allowed to perform this ritual—that is, the Slytherins and therefore the purebloods. Or at least those willing to conform to wizarding culture.

Holly and Luna: *get the stones they threw in the fire the night before and go to the Great Hall*

Blaise: *arrives* You saw your parents, didn’t you?

Holly: Yes, it was very mushy and sappy, and they did nothing but talk about how great I was.

Me: So, business as usual, then, eh?

Theodore: So what’s the deal with what happened at Myrtle’s bathroom?

Draco: *relates the story*

Millicent: *becomes very angry that Draco and Blaise dared leave Holly’s side for a moment*

Me: Since they have nothing better to do, after all, than be her bodyguards. Oh, wait—they don’t have anything better to do. My mistake.

Author: *inserts a very unnecessary and very random description of Gavin*

Me: Well, that was pointless.

Gavin: What happened afterwards?

Holly: Well, I thought I heard someone other than Myrtle. *turns to the audience* Notice how I’m not mentioning my telepathy powers?

Me: Seeing as you mention it EVERY SINGLE TIME you exclude that bit of information from the rest of your friends, it’s kind of hard not to notice!

Holly: Then we were found by the professors and McGonagall is a bitch.

Holly’s Audience: We scowl, growl, smirk, and sigh, as is appropriate.

Cynthia: So what about the message, eh? Chamber of Secrets and all.

Autumn: What’s the Chamber of Secrets?

Me: The explanation needs to be sporked. Well, sporked as best I can manage. Expect big chunks in here, because this won’t be so much a spork as much as it is simply a “*pat pat* Dear, you really need to think before you write” session.



Finally, Theo answered, “According to legend, it was a secret place created by Salazar Slytherin. He supposedly stored books, artefacts, and various other magics there.”

(Theo): See, I word it appropriately so it doesn’t make us look bad.

Autumn looked at them with confusion. “Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

(Theo): And it worked!

Milli gave her a small, grim smile. “Yes, but there are rumours that there were other, more deadly things stored there,” she answered, thinking back to Hogwarts: A History.

“What do you mean ‘deadly things?’” the Muggleborn girl whispered softly, eyes very wide.

This chick is a real pussy.

Draco sighed, taking his cue.

What, are they all reading from a script? With the way the dialogue in this shit reads, it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest.

“It’s also said that Salazar hated

—fish sticks.

Muggleborns and Muggles, which you undoubtedly know.” He paused as the redhead nodded. “There is no way to confirm that though,

Plausible deniability! We can’t confirm he hated them, that means he didn’t.

but supposedly, he placed a monster in the Chamber that would rid the school of all those he felt unworthy to learn magic.” He exhaled and ran a hand through his hair.

Draco does that a lot, I’ve noticed. Maybe he really is the Fonz.

“His own true heir will be the only one capable of controlling the beast, and he or she will ‘unleash the horror within.’”

The horror being a Mary Sue of such epic proportions that it would make Holly Potter look like a well-crafted character. Oh, the horror, the horror.

“Against those of Muggle heritage or blood,” Holly concluded softly, repressing a shiver.

That’s no surprise—she’s got no backbone at all. She’s such a sissy she depends on all of her friends to do any of the slightest dirty work for her. She may be one crappy-ass Slytherin, but the author is right in that she sure as hell ain’t no Gryffindor.

Autumn gaped. “But that makes no sense!” she announced, looking back and forth at them. “Why would he do that? There are Muggleborns in his House! I’m one of them!”

A fact that is not confirmed can even happen in canon, but whatever, we’ll ignore that and move on for the sake of moving on.

Pansy shrugged. “I don’t know, but that is what everyone says. It’s complete rubbish, in my opinion,” she stated loftily, sipping her morning tea.

Why is this author obsessed with making anybody who’s rich all posh and snobby?

Oh, wait—part of that is actually canon.


“I think that it was just a rumour started to make us look bad.”

You know, I’m afraid I must pull an author and display a little “read ahead” syndrome.

Yes, there is a basilisk in this story. My question is this: if Salazar was just misunderstood, why is there a basilisk down there? What, was he keeping it down there for shits and giggles? Was it a personal pet that he didn’t want anybody else to know about?


The others nodded their fierce agreement.

“I agree,” Gavin put in, finishing his toast. “It’s simply not logical. I mean, I can understand why he might be a bit mistrustful of them given the situation at the time.”

“Situation?” Autumn interrupted, glancing around when they hesitated.

Well, everyone, strap in—the author’s jumping up on the soapbox again. Well, I should say, she’s jumping up and down on it now—she’s always on the soapbox.

Gavin exhaled very slowly. “At the time, Muggles greatly feared magic, and it wasn’t uncommon for them to attack and kill magical beings. Even with our abilities, we’re still mortal; we still have vulnerabilities.”

Yeah, and Muggles have vulnerabilities as well. They had to learn these fears somehow, you know. Did you ever think of that? Or of the fact that while you can defend yourselves against their attacks, like Wendelin the Weird, Muggles have no such defenses against you?

He shook his head sadly, wiping his face with his napkin.

If we have to hear much more of his breakfast routine, I’m leaving.

“Anyway, Muggleborns were known for repressing their magic, not wanting to admit that they were involved with ‘devilry’ – as it was called.”

And now, a history lesson that everybody already knows about. Yes, author, witch-hunts were bad. We all know that—and we’ll give you that much, despite the fact that the major period of European Witch Hunting started in the mid-1400s, which is over 400 years after the founding of Hogwarts and thus does not really jive with this “situation” that you’re describing. But by this point, I don’t care, so let’s just move on.

Theo added in, “The few Muggleborns who admitted they had magic were often conflicted about it. Their doctrines taught them that it was evil, so they thought they were. Also, their families would often turn against them.” He made a slashing gesture with his hands, Autumn almost jumping back in shock.

Autumn here would be one of those irritating people in a movie theater who screams at the slightest thing.

“It wasn’t unheard of for them to turn against their magical brethren,” Daphne said softly, “forsaking their own nature. They would ‘repent’ – as they called it – and would tell the Muggles where our communities were located.”

Hence the hatred of Muggleborns. That’s actually a reasonable start to the hatred of Muggle-borns—that they were viewed as a threat, and that the fear turned to hate over the years, slowly changing down the line into believing that they were unworthy and subhuman—except this author makes it out like nobody in the world hates Muggleborns, and especially not Slytherins.

Holly could barely conceal the shiver that ran down her spine.

Milli stated, trying to keep her voice as neutral as possible,

I don’t want to hear anything from her—she’s the worst of the bunch.

“They’d then gather in large groups and attack us. That’s why there are now so many wards on magical buildings and in enchanted areas, to keep them away or from even discovering us. That’s why we pulled out

*snickers immaturely*

from their world.” She gently patted the Muggleborn girl, who was near tears by this point,

Because she’s a giant weenie.

and then began to rub her back.

Millicent, given your nature and behavior in this fic, I’m beginning to think you are a huge and stereotypical lesbian.

“They feared what they didn’t understand.”

The smallest Slytherin shuddered, thinking of the Dursleys.

Oh, hell, as if you can relate to what people went through when they were caught by a bunch of magic-hating Muggles back in the day!!!

“Even then, it was not always like that,” Blaise said, discreetly took Holly’s hand underneath the table. “Once, magic was revered.

Oh, so that’s why Blaise is so obsessed with the Old Ways. Because that’s back when he was worshiped. I see. Now I understand.

Muggle and magical alike lived in harmony.

In a hippie colony, apparently.

We were friends and neighbours. Family.

Not according to that previous statement—to that previous statement, wizards were revered by Muggles, which is the way you want it to be again—which is the way you think it should be.

However, the Old Ways were lost as new religions began to sweep through the area… and the world.” He gently squeezed his friend’s hand, interlacing their fingers.

STOP TOUCHING HER, YOU DIRTY LITTLE PERVERT!!!!

“These beliefs took hold in the Muggles; for some strange reason, the ideas appealed to them. Well,” he corrected himself, “it was more like they were forced to convert or die, have their whole families wiped out” He exhaled thoughtfully, running his thumb over Holly’s palm. “Later on, the beliefs took root in their children, who never had the chance to know there was another way.”

So, is Blaise anti-Christianity, anti-Islam, or anti-religion in general?

That’s way too sensitive for me. I ain’t stupid. I’m not even gonna touch that. I wouldn’t go near that with a ten-foot pole. Only thing I’ll say is that the author is an idiot if she expects me to just to agree with her in the slightest with her accusation that it’s all the Muggles’ fault for the split by giving me the explanation of “some strange reason.”


Luna quietly took Holly’s other hand.

Why does Holly need so much goddamned support in this scene?! Is this personally offending her?! For all that she claims to be better than Harry, Harry at least had a backbone and could look out for himself.

“We didn’t escape without changes either,” she murmured, for once sounding serious. “The seeds of dissention were sown in our ranks as well and not just against Muggles.

Against Muggles—there’s a notion! Maybe Muggles started turning against witches and wizards because a select few proved to be really nasty pieces of work! Maybe some of them felt they were superior to Muggles—not unlike the way Blaise appears to believe, I might add!

At this point, we also started distrusting non-humans… in addition to those with the more unusual magical gifts, like Sight or telepathy.”

So Holly’s all nice and set when it comes to prejudice, isn’t she? She can be prettily angsty no matter who she’s with!

Both her friends squeezed Holly’s hands fiercely. Across from her, Draco’s eyes glinted strangely.

DO YOU THINK HE SUSPECTS? NO, HE COULDN’T. THE AUTHOR WOULD’VE HINTED ABOUT IT.

“We, too, began to fear,” Luna continued. “We feared that we would be betrayed by others who weren’t exactly like us, by those who were different.” The Ravenclaw tilted her head, looking at the cloudy ceiling, lost in thought.

The entire group lapsed into stunned silence. Autumn sniffled, and Pansy rubbed her back soothingly, taking Milli’s place.

Pansy/Millicent, FTW. They’re gonna start rubbing each others’ backs next.

Blaise and Draco exchanged dark looks, the blond trembling slightly.

There’s some canon—Draco’s a big pussy, too.

Milli quietly finished her breakfast, while Gavin and Theo eyed their half-eaten food. Cynthia and Daphne, who had both been rather quiet this morning, stonily stared at the far wall.

Filthy Muggles. They should all be exterminated.

Even Greg and Vincent, who were normally silent anyway, seemed to be all but soundless.

That’s the dumbest thing I think I’ve ever read.



Me: Back to scripting.

Holly: So who can we ask about it? I suggest Binns, because I, unlike Hermione, am awesome.

Me: Where is Hermione, anyway?

Blaise: Like the good little minion I am, I think it’s a brilliant plan and praise it as such.

Slytherins: *go to Defense and it’s over as soon as they get there*

Justin: *runs away from Holly*

Me: Don’t worry, folks. I’ll be making a good rant about this in a few. It’ll be nice and long and, if I ever review, will be one of the main points I’ll be making to this Suethor as to why her fic sucks balls.

Blaise and Draco: *gently take her by the arms to lead her down the hall*

Me: You know, the way that these people keep molly-coddling her, it’s no wonder she doesn’t have a spine!

McGonagall: *is a general bitch again*

Holly: *is smug when she aces the pop quiz*

Rest of the Day: *is skipped*

Holly: So, Solaris, can you look over the stone I threw in the fire and interpret it?

Me: Great, another random Seer.

And something I forgot to mention…if all wizards and witches are supposed to be tested for abilities when they’re younger, why did Ron and Harry, who obviously have no skill in Divination whatsoever, take Divination? Ron is a Pureblooded wizard, who obviously would be tested for some skill, but he took Divination and has no talent for it. Meaning…they aren’t tested, perhaps, and you just made that up for convenience’s sake?

Solaris: Let’s see, you’ve got friends in high places, and I’m seriously and totally hinting at Snape.

Me: *grinds teeth*

Solaris: You’re in great danger, you have a Grim on your stone. You’re going to have some people betray you, too. Oh yeah, and Tom Riddle totally isn’t evil.

Me: These are some of the most obvious “prophesies” I’ve ever seen—those are paraphrased version of those predictions he’s making, meaning I figured it out that fast. Not to mention that it complete ruins the vague, double-talk nature of prophesies completely.

Holly: I’m smart enough to know who’s going to betray me.

Me: Yeah, so am I, because you like bashing them.


Holly and Draco: *meander down the Charms corridor*

Hufflepuffs: *skitter past*

Draco: *puffs up like a toad*

Holly: *is wise* Oh no, people I don’t like are coming up behind me.

Colin: *tries to make decent, normal conversation*

Holly and Draco: *treat him like crap*

Holly: *pouts over the fact that she’s the same height as Colin*

Me: You know, I agree with Ket—if you’re so sensitive, wear some goddamned lifts.

Holly: I sense Ron, Neville, and Hermione passing me by, but they don’t even say hello. Oh, I knew it would happen. Woe is me.

Me: Believe me, folks, I’m saving it. It’ll be good, don’t worry. We just need to wait for Colin to be attacked. Then I’ll say what I’ve been wanting to say. It’ll be nice and long like Fanon!Snape’s wang.


Binns: The Chamber of Secrets is as untrue as the legend of the Lifestone!

Me: Oh, way to go, author. Gawd, you’re an idiot.

Binns: Yes. Helga Hufflepuff made it. It can drain the life force of an individual and store it for later use, and give energy back to that person or another person.

Me: So, basically, the Hufflepuffs are evil, and the Slytherins aren’t. I see what you’re getting at, Suethor, and it makes me want to vomit.

Holly: I’ll bet the entrance to the Chamber is hidden in plain sight—see how awesome I am?

Millicent: Allow me to mention a random story about how a man placed his soul into an object so he could be immortal by sapping energy and magic from whoever uses it.

Binns: None of this is real! Now, back to history.

Blaise: Why does he so selectively teach it? There’s more to history than Goblin Wars and wizarding councils. Why not talk about the Old Ways, and how it was before? He only teaches what he wants to or what the Ministry allows him, how they see history to be. They don’t want us forming our own opinions.

Me: Oh, for the love of—why don’t you just call him a politician and get it over with? And Blaise? You’re rather obsessed with the “Old Ways.” Your prejudice is showing.


Days: *pass quickly*

Holly: Colin had the nerve to ask if I was the Heir of Slytherin! Fortunately, Millicent cursed him so badly he was in the Hospital Wing for three days. Serves him right.

Me: I hope you all are committing her vicious attacks on Colin to memory. They’re very important for later.

Holly: Well, it’s time for Quidditch. And we all have brand new brooms because of the Malfoys and the Zabinis. But I’m going to ride my own broom, as it’s still faster than all of Gryffindor’s.

Me: The plot hole broom, right.

Holly: *has perhaps a slight crush on the new Gryffindor Seeker*

Me: Who is important to us why…?

Match: *starts*

Holly: *has time to look around and use her magical powahs to search for her friends and locate them in the stands—obsesses over where Luna is*

Luna: *is being harassed by the Scary Sues Cassius and Cho—is saved by Blaise, Draco, Theodore, and Millicent*

Me: Great—now she’s making Luna as helpless as she is.

Bludger: *starts following Holly around*

Holly: *has the wherewithal to be more awesome than Harry and uses the Bludger to hit Gryffindor players as she goes*

Me: *sighs*

Holly: Now I’m going to be even more awesome and used my Telepathy to sense where the Bluger is and easily dodge it without having to look at it and continue to use it to hit the Gryffindor players.

Me: At this point, I’m gonna laugh when it breaks your arm. Because a) that’s cheating, and b) it’s one thing to use the Bludger to be competitive, it’s quite another to laugh when you have it hitting other people as hard as it can go.

Holly: But I can’t find the Snitch!

Me: Well, why don’t you use your powers, Holly? If you can use them to sense a Bludger, surely you can use them to sense a Snitch. *disdainful*

Holly: There it is! *enters into a race with the other Seeker—has her arm broken*

Me: Good, you deserved it.

Holly: *catches the Snitch*

Me: That match was not exciting. In fact, it was quite boring, hearing all about how awesome Holly is by making the Bludger hit others as she goes.

Devon, the Gryffindor Seeker: *is charming and comforting*

George: *keeps the Bludger away*

Colin: *takes his pictures*

Holly: *mentally hates on him for it*

Lockhart: *debones her arm*


Author: Meh, I don’t wanna write the hospital scene, so we’ll just skip it and summarize again.

Rumors: *fly after Colin is attacked*

Me: Right. This is now where I step in. Holly is now highly indignant and angry that Ron, Hermione, and Neville suspect that it’s her. She’s also angry that people suspect that she attacked Colin and Petrified him.

Let’s go over the facts now.

Fact number one. For all of First Year, Holly was very friendly with Ron, Neville, and Hermione. She comforted Hermione after Ron was rather callous regarding the fact that Hermione was a bit of a swot and often alone for the first of the year, and actively sought Neville out to be friends with him to everybody else’s shock. She valiantly defended Ron and Hermione and Neville from Draco’s petty abuse, and even smacked the kid around in their defense. However, now that second year has rolled around, she suddenly and abruptly starts avoiding them all. Her reasoning is because Neville and Ron dare fancy her in any capacity, so that makes them unworthy to be her friends anymore. However, to them, it’s a sudden change, and they probably don’t understand why she’s doing it.

Fact number two. Colin Creevey is a star-struck little boy who is, perhaps, overly exuberant with his hobby of photography as well as his habit of following around his celebrity interest. For his annoying but harmless efforts, he has been viciously attacked by Holly’s friends at every turn. He’s been put in the hospital many times, and, due to the fact that Holly’s friends never appear to get into any trouble, either for using magic in the hallways or for hexing a younger student like that, he’s either too afraid to tell on the great Holly Potter or the author just forgot to think about that particular part. So, everybody in school knows that Colin’s being attacked by Holly’s friends, viciously and without mercy, and she never fails to make her hatred of the younger boy known by doing nothing to stop her friends from cursing and hexing him, which is nothing more than tacit encouragement.

Fact number three. No matter how annoying he is, Colin Creevey is, in fact, a Gryffindor, a Muggleborn, and a Housemate of Neville, Ron, and Hermione. So our intrepid Slytherins, who do nothing but talk about how misunderstood they are, have not only been cursing and hexing a younger student, but also a Gryffindor, and also a Muggleborn. Somebody they claim to have no prejudice against.

So, let’s examine those facts again, go over them, and then once again examine the fact that Holly is angry about Ron, Hermione, and Neville suspecting her, along with half of the school.

Holly, you have nobody to blame but yourself for being a suspect. You’ve been avoiding Ron, Neville, and Hermione all year, a sudden contrast to your previous behavior. You’ve been deliberately and brutally cruel to Colin, who’s a Muggleborn student. You’ve made your hatred of him clear to everyone, and the fact that you love nothing more than to see him hurt is also quite evident. Also, Colin is a Housemate of Ron, Hermione, and Neville. You don’t like to see any of your Housemates tormented, nor do you like to see Luna Lovegood tormented, and yet you make it your hobby to torment Colin Creevey.

And author, if you even try using the argument that Holly never cursed Colin on me, it doesn’t work. It’s her cronies doing it—her bodyguards, her servants. Because that’s all they are in this fic, and therefore, they are all but doing these things on her orders because she never said they shouldn’t do it, never says they shouldn’t do it, which means she condones and thinks this behavior is perfectly acceptable.

So, I repeat. Holly has nobody but herself to blame this time around for being a suspect and for losing the people she calls friends—which is a silly statement in the first place, given the Slytherins’ hen session in an early chapter where they did nothing but bash Ron, Hermione, and Neville and precious, delicate, friendly little Holly never spoke up once to defend them.

There, folks. If I ever leave a review, that is it.

Blaise: How did you escape the Bludger so well? You know, the way Harry did without needing telepathy, which I suppose would technically make him better than you, but I forget, I’m not supposed to say that. Anyway, how’d you do it?

Holly: I used my mind.

Blaise: *gushes over how powerful she is* And I volunteer myself for this Christmas so you can test out your powers!

Draco: *shows up*

Holly: Well, I’m going to write in the diary and ask what it is. Everybody ready?

Draco and Blaise: Yep.

Holly: *writes in the diary*


And, as usual, I spork the final author’s note.

De nada, amorcita: You're welcome, little love.

Blaise really has no business talking like this.

AN: I know that I got bogged down on the whole “magical and Muggle history lesson” thing, and I apologise.

I don’t hear you apologizing for getting bogged down in everything else! You do nothing but summarize what is going on in boring detail! And what little dialogue you have goes on and on and ON just like your summarizing!

I also apologise if it sounds like I am being a bit anti-certain-religion-which-shall-remain-nameless. That is not my intent.

Well, good, I’m glad that wasn’t your intent. Because while that aspect did come across loud and clear, the overall sentiment of that little diatribe was completely anti-Muggle and anti-Muggleborn instead.

I merely wanted to highlight the reasons for the break between the groups and for the dissention in the magical world.

Yeah, a history that JKR didn’t feel it necessary to bog us down in, I notice. And as I repeat, all you did was give us the canonical Slytherin view of Muggles and Muggleborns—that they suck, and need to be stamped out.

Also, a lot of what I said was based on historical fact,

(Author): See how knowledgeable I am?

though obviously the non-human creatures and magical world parts were made-up. However, there was some fighting between the pagan ways and the new religions, which included death on both sides.

Yes, we are all aware of this, thank you. You are not a special snowflake for knowing about it.

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