Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

Child of Grace

Okay. If any of the chapters thus far haven’t made you mad, I commend you. But if these two chapters somehow don’t make you angry in the slightest, then you are from a different planet. You have to be.

Oh, and while I thought I couldn’t piggy-back another chapter on it, it turned out to be not as long as I thought it would, so here are two.



Chapter Fourteen: Looney Lovegood

Me: Which is spelled wrong, incidentally—there is no excuse for incorrect spellings of canon names or words other than sheer laziness.

Holly: *writes a short and pointless letter to Remus, but we have to hear about it—then we get to hear about her putting her wand in her swank new holster and an extended session of her petting Blaise’s cat—who is named Mr. Momo*

Me: I know people name their cats silly things, but I think Mr. Momo is one of the silliest I’ve ever heard. *settles in* I’m sensing another boring chapter ahead. *yawns and fetches a Diet Coke* I’m gonna need the caffeine.

Holly: Oh no, our first class is Potions!

Draco: Pair with me—then he’ll just scowl at you.

Holly: Oh, the woes of being perfect.

Hedwig: *is, for some reason, mad at Holly and bites her hard enough to draw blood*

Me: Go Hedwig! Kill her!

Draco: *extended petting and healing session*

Me: Eee…not go Hedwig, if that’s the result.

Luna: *arrives and immediately is assailed by her year mates—trembles like a frightened fawn*

Holly: Blaise, signal one of the older Ravenclaws to help Luna—I’m apparently too busy to do so—or at the very least, I can’t be bothered with such mundane tasks.

Blaise: *does so*

Me: You know, for one who claims to have such empathy for people being abused or tormented, she sure doesn’t do a damn thing about it. She has to wait for her acolytes to do it for her. And why would Luna be terrified of a bunch of First Years? If the older students assailed her, I would buy it, but not the First Years. She always possesses such equanimity in the face of her tormentors—unlike some people I could name.

Older Students: *drive off the younger ones*

Luna: *runs away*

Holly: I want to follow, but we’ve got Potions. *goes to Potions—does nothing but think about Luna Lovegood and is faintly suspicious*

Me: Yeah, so am I. I’m really suspicious, actually.

Holly: Ah, I just had a positively scintillating discussion with Professor Flitwick!

Me: Author, big words do not make you sound more intelligent. They just make you sound pretentious.

Holly: *comes across Luna being harassed by an older Housemate*

Older Housemate: *twiddles mustache*

Holly: *rides to her rescue and compares herself to Snape in the process*

Me: Oh, you, a pathetic, whinging little Second Year who whines at every opportunity how abused she is, did NOT just compare yourself to Professor Severus Snape!!!

Holly: *offers Luna a hand up, and is immediately electrocuted by the tingle*

Me: Yay, she died!!!

Holly: *cuts the older Housemate down with a particularly pathetic comment in true Sue style*

Housemate: *stomps away, naturally defeated by the threatening Second Year*

Luna: *is pathetic but grateful*

Me: See? She’s expressing gratitude—you might want to learn this particular emotion, Holly. It’s a good thing.

Holly: *immediately starts riffling through Luna’s mind like a filing cabinet* Oh, you’re a Mind Mage, too!

Luna: We have to be secret about it! I’ll meet you later so we can talk about it.

Holly: Sure thing.

Me: I knew it. You wouldn’t be able to resist Sueing dotty, misty Luna. Everybody Sues Luna! I like Luna, and I like her just the way she is! She’s batty, and we like her like that! She’s not “mystifying,” she’s not “wise beyond her years,” she’s just a somewhat dotty little girl who’s mother died when she was very young, and she’s come to terms with that. Her father is a testament to why she is the way she is—it’s not because she’s got some kind of remarkable perception or Super power—she’s just weird!

Holly: Oh, it physically hurts me when she leaves my presence. Whatever shall I do? Anyway, back to Slytherin Common Room. Oh, look, there’s ink all over my things.

Me: Err…why? What happened to cause that? PLOT HOLE!!!

Holly: The diary doesn’t have any on it! *writes in the diary, but nothing happens, so she closes the book*

Diary: *writes back too late so she doesn’t see it—which is stupid, because ostensibly, if she couldn’t see it, the readers shouldn’t either*


All the Slytherins: *trudge to class*

Holly: In her opinion, Lockhart was the biggest pansy in the entire world. Honestly, no man should wear lurid pink robes, unless his name was Albus Dumbledore or he was very secure in his sexuality, but those were different cases entirely.

Me: What an insult to Albus Dumbledore. Just because he was gay didn’t mean he dressed flamboyantly so like Gilderoy Lockhart!

And now, this next part is so disgusting I had to spork it. It was very hard. It’s more of that double standard we’re getting used to seeing with this author. It’s also infuriating, filled with Holly angsting, and just plain horrible. Seriously. I could hardly make it through the sporking without gibbering like crazy—because it’s nothing but a character bashing session by Holly Potter and friends. Joining me is ket_makura. Hello, Ket—you’re always such a good help.

Ket: *smiles* Hey, Merv. Been a while.

Mervin: Well, I hope you are ready for this—it’s a dreadful, dreadful scene. Nothing but character bashing. That’s why I needed help with it.

Ket: Oh, boy. *cracks knuckles* I’m ready.

Mervin: I hope so. I brought booze just in case.

Ket: Sweet vodka, I do love thee…

Mervin: And onward!



“Don’t worry about the little freak, Holly.”

Mervin: So, when Holly gets called a freak, it’s just crushing to her sensitive little soul, but she is fine when other people are called freaks?

Ket: Of course. It's only an insult if someone calls Mary Sue a bad name!


Draco assured her, running his hands through his hair,

Mervin: He’s the Fonz!

Ket: Aaayyye! Sit on it, Holly!


“We’ll keep him away from you, and we’ll make sure he does not try to take anymore photos.”

Mervin: Oh. How nice—what a pleasant thing to say about Colin Creevey. Creevey, who, no matter how annoying he was, wound up giving his life to fight Voldemort at the tender age of sixteen.

Ket: He took a photograph! How horrible!

Mervin: And he dared be a fan of Holly! She just can’t handle the strain!


“For such a tiny midget, he quite is annoying, isn’t he?” Pansy commented absentmindedly, belatedly noticing Holly scowl at her.

Mervin: Could it be that perhaps Holly is showing the slightest bit of kindness and being angry at these people for doing nothing but bash a star-struck little kid?

Ket: Psh. She probably just had a bad experience with a midget. It’s a trigger word.


“Oh, sorry, Hols. I forgot that he is the same height as you.” She tentatively smiled at the much shorter girl, who only came up to her chin.

Mervin: No, it is not Holly being nice at all—once again, only insults to her person matter. You were pretty close, though, Ket. I hope you all hadn’t gotten your hopes up, readers.

Ket: I’ll bet they’re both taller than me.

Mervin: And do you get all upset and sensitive when people talk about your height, Ket?

Ket: Nah, I like being short. It’s easier to gutshot someone when they piss me off.


The small Slytherin gave her a blank face and sighed but didn’t say anything. She crossed her arms over her chest in almost a defensive gesture.

Mervin: In other words, she’s pouting now, making sure to milk this situation as best she can.

Ket: She just needs to thrust her lip out to complete the image.


“Nevertheless,” Draco put in dramatically.

Mervin: What, that’s it? That’s all he has to say? It’s “Nevermore,” Draco.

Ket: Nevertheless what, you weenie?

Mervin: Nooooo, you’re not allowed to say bad things about Draco, because he’s a Slytherin. That makes him better than you.

Ket: He can bite me twice. Draco is a weenie, end of story.


“We will keep him away from you, midget or not.”

Mervin: Don’t you love how Holly is so helpless that she has to depend on her friends to keep people she doesn’t like away from her?

He added in an undertone so that only Blaise and Holly could hear, “If we can even see him as close to the ground as he is.” He gave the girl his most charming smile and winked.

Mervin: He’s twelve. Twelve-year-olds are hardly charming.

She again sighed, but a weak smile tugged at her lips, just as the blond had intended.

Mervin: Because that’s all these people do. They live to serve her, entertain her, and act as her body guards. And how come it’s okay for Draco to make height jokes, but not Pansy?

Ket: God forbid she do something on her own…


Blaise sniggered before nodding emphatically. “That Creevey kid will not come within five metres of you. We will keep him away, won’t we?” he asked his fellow Slytherins,

Mervin: (Blaise): Because we have absolutely nothing better to do with our time than protect you from perfectly harmless people.

Ket: (Blaise): Bugger our classes!


trying to direct the conversation away from Holly’s height, something of a sensitive subject.

Mervin: I see—Harry can take a joke about his height, but Holly can’t. And then she expects me to think she’s better than Harry.

Ket: *eyeroll* If you’re that sensitive, wear lifts, you twit.


“Yes.”

“Of course.”

Mervin: (A Sensible Slytherin): No—it’s her problem, and she’s the only one who seems to have such a big problem with it in the first place, so she can deal with it.

Ket: (The Other Wankers): What?! No, she can’t possibly handle her own problems!


“You bet your broomstick.”

Mervin: And we still don’t know how on earth she got a broomstick, or even what kind she has.

Ket: I have an idea of where it came from, though.


“Lockhart, too. I was embarrassed for you this morning, Holly,” Draco stated, grimacing.

Mervin: Personally, I’m embarrassed for the author. She thinks this is good.

“That paedophile should keep his hands to himself and not keep trying to touch you all the time.”

Mervin: Hey! That’s was completely uncalled for! Lockhart’s not a pedo! And you have no right to talk about people touching Holly in inappropriate ways, Draco! Blaise, too! You guys are always putting your grubby little mitts all over her and making sure to linger and rubbing her and petting her and stroking her and God knows what else!

Ket: What? Pedophile? Lockhart may be a creep, but not for that reason!


He sniffed disdainfully, looking distinctly disgusted by the adult’s behaviour.

Mervin: I’m just plain disgusted by this scene in general.

Ket: Scene, my ass. The whole story is an abomination.


Theo cut in, “If either of them comes near you again, we’ll give them to Peeves.”

“No,” Milli corrected the boy, “we will give them to the Weasley twins.” She chuckled to herself darkly.

Mervin: Yes, because, like you people, nobody has anything better to do than tend to Holly and make sure she is as happy as she can possibly be.

Ket: Uhm…and what, exactly, do they think the Weasley twins would do to either Lockhart or Colin?


“That’s an idea,” Theo acknowledged, his light-brown eyes sparkling with mischief. “You could ask the twins to keep Creevey away from you.

Mervin: Or maybe you could just deal with it like Harry did, and stop relying on people to do your dirty work for you.

Ket: Again, what the HELL do they think the twins would do?! They'd probably join in the annoying, and be six times worse!


Or even better, ask the Gryffindor trio,” he stated, meaning Neville, Ron, and Hermione. “I am not sure about Lockhart though.”

Mervin: Here’s an idea—why don’t you leave Lockhart alone—AUTHOR? Yeah, I’m talking to you this time, not stupid Holly.

Ket: Lockhart is easy—just tell him there’s someone waiting to interview him in the lunch room, then run like hell.


Holly frowned, finally commenting. “The twins would definitely work, but I am not exactly certain about the others.”

Mervin: (Holly): For they are not worthy to bask in my presence, for they do not do my every bidding and do that which I wish them to do.

Ket: The heathens.


Everyone looked at her strangely.

Blaise, taking pity on her, responded in her stead.

Mervin: Does he do ANYTHING in this story except do stuff like that for Holly?! Does he at all?!

Ket: Blaise is clearly her bitch.


“The last part probably wouldn’t work too well. Ron would probably want photos of his own.”

Mervin: No, Ron would not. Ron is not like that.

Ket: Photos of whom? Her? For what? Dart throwing?

Mervin: I wish—this author’s making it out like Ron has a crush on her, and Holly of course is just sooooo exasperated and put out with the attention, and never misses an opportunity to put him down in her inner monologue.

Ket: *gags*


Milli wrinkled her nose. “Don’t tell me; he fancies you!”

Mervin: NO, HE FUCKING DOESN’T.

Holly nodded meekly

“Neville, too,” Pansy added, batting her blonde eyelashes. “I’ve seen the way he looked at you at the end of last year. He puts creepy Creevey to shame.”

Mervin: I…I can’t believe what I’m reading. I’ve…I’ve been rendered completely speechless. There is nothing scathing enough in the English language—or any language—that will put this down like it needs to be. And this is all after Holly gets mad for Luna’s behalf when people dare talk bad about her. And she supposedly calls these people her friends. We had to hear all about it last year about how Holly had sought out Neville at the confusion of everybody else!

Ket: I think you need more alcohol, Merv.

Mervin: But—but look at that! How dare she insult Neville “Horcrux Killer” Longbottom, the man who pwned Voldemort IN THE FACE, like this!!!!


Holly groaned. “Is that why Neville has avoided me for the past two days? He’s embarrassed?”

Mervin: Oh, yes, how do you hold up under all the strain, you little bitch?

Ket: I say we kill her now and end her suffering. And ours, incidentally.

Mervin: I’m all for it!


Cynthia laughed and nudged both Autumn and Daphne. “Got it in one.”

Mervin: Neville has no time for people like you, Holly. He’s got snakes to kill and Hannah Abbot to marry.

“Not that I can really blame him,” Daphne responded loftily. “He only spends time with two girls, Holly and Hermione.”

Mervin: And only one of these is actually worth his time. Ket, can you guess which one?

Ket: This one. *pops her middle finger up*


“And what sane person would want to date Miss Prissy Hermione Granger?” Milli asked, half-turning around. “She’s liable to nag a man to death within the first three days.”

Mervin: These people are so unbelievably rude. I don’t remember Harry and Ron and Hermione sitting around and just talking about how everybody else sucks and they rule. And don’t you love how Holly stays completely silent and is fine with these people bashing the people she supposedly calls her friends?

Ket: Either that, or she’s waiting for the right moment to sweep in and bitch them all out for it.


“Certainly not me,” Theo replied, fiddling with the quill he had just filched from the heavy-set girl’s school bag.

Mervin: And the point of that last sentence was…?

Ket: I guess just to get a man’s opinion.


Behind him, Greg and Vincent shuddered at the mere thought.

Mervin: Yes, they are all basically saying that Hermione’s a nagging bitch and will never find anyone who can tolerate her. But the minute Ron says anything disparaging towards Hermione, he’s an evil, evil boy, as seen in Year One. What a nice double standard, Holly.

Ket: Well, that's RON. No one cares about his opinion!


“Are you saying that you fancy Holly, too, Theo?” Draco questioned in a sweet tone, silver eyes glinting wickedly. “Poor Granger will be so heartbroken.”

Mervin: I seem to recall that Holly treated Draco like dirt for even daring to insult Hermione last year—now she appears to be perfectly fine with it. What’s going on?

Ket: Jesus Christ, who DOESN’T fancy Holly in this trainwreck?

Mervin: Don’t you know? In every “Girl-Who-Lived” fic I’ve seen, every boy in existence fancies her and we have to talk about it in great detail and wonder just how on earth she holds up. Really, that’s the case for any Mary Sue.

Ket: Just fair warning, Merv—if Lucius goes after her, I WILL destroy her.

Mervin: Oh, Lucius thinks very highly of her—so highly that after two seconds upon meeting her, insisted that she call him “Lucius.”

Ket: *explodes* WHAT?!


Pansy chuckled impishly. “Our little Miss Potter is rather popular with the boys, isn’t she, Milli?” she inquired in a false undertone.

Mervin: Though I really can’t figure out why. Fame and fortune can only take you so far with people. That aside, she’s scrawny and she’s a bitch.

Ket: *still snarling incoherently*

Mervin: Here, Ket—drink more vodka.


The chubby girl snorted. “Must be her winning personality.

Mervin: What personality? I have yet to see one.

Ket: *puts down the now-empty vodka bottle* I think they mean Hermione.

Mervin: No, they’re definitely talking about Holly. Look what’s next.


Not to mention her dainty good looks, keen intelligence, incredible talent for Quidditch, veritable fortune, fame… I could go on.”

Mervin: See?

Ket: Shoot me, Merv.

Mervin: If I did, I’d be all alone. Sorry, Ket—you suffer just like me.

Ket: Where is Sands’s worthless ass?

Mervin: Oh, he’s off getting drunk somewhere. He hasn’t sporked with me in weeks.

Ket: You should keyboard him to Antartica.


“Hols just has it all, doesn’t she?” Pansy put in, pushing a stray strand of hair from her face. “Even has her very own stalkers now.”

Mervin: She does not have stalkers. She has fans. Just like every celebrity in the world has fans, so does she, and she’d better grow a backbone about it.

Ket: I’m going to throw up if they keep going on about how great she is.


Draco mischievously smiled. “First, obsessive Ginny. Then, obsessive Weasley brother.

Mervin: THEY ARE NOT OBSESSED WITH HER!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT THIS???!!!!

Ket: And you told me I needed more booze…


Now, obsessive first-year and obsessive friend.

Mervin: A crush is not obsession. Stop jumping to conclusions. Just because Neville supposedly likes you doesn’t mean he’s stalking you and watching your every move.

Ket: Can we just off the entire cast and start over here?


You’re just racking up fans left and right.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulder amicably.

Mervin: Another double standard—it’s perfectly fine for Draco do to this, but if Ron dare even think about touching her, she throws a fit.

Ket: Mary Sues do not have double standards. Just their own standards.


“I guess that means you’ll be avoiding the Gryffindors for the time being.” He seemed quite pleased by the prospect.

Mervin: And I’m so glad Holly doesn’t say a word against any of this. Yet again—how dare she call these people her friends when she is constantly saying bad things about behind their backs? You’d think she’d have the decency to at least say it to their faces.

Ket: Okay, this author needs to learn about only using things that move the plot along. This shit? Does not. Cut it.


Holly replied darkly, “I suspect so. Hermione and the twins will be the only safe ones to approach. The others are liable to mob me.” She shuddered. “Why does this have to happen to me? Why does it always happen to me?”

Mervin: Well, there you have it. We’ve been joking with all the, “Oh, how do I hold up!” lines, and she really just actually said it. “Oh, how do I hold up under all the strain! Why me, woe is me, boo hoo!” I seriously have nothing to say. Do you, Ket?

Ket: I’m not sure how “wordless keyboard-smashing rage” is pronounced, so no.


Draco squeezed her tightly. “As Milli said, that’s what you get for being an exceptionally famous celebrity, ridiculously wealthy, and a fabulous Seeker.”

Mervin: I would say, “And just how does she hold up,” but she just did.

Ket: (Holly): *tragically* I don’t know why God burdened me with such success!


Holly didn’t quite know how to respond to that, especially the rich comment. She simply shook her head in dismay.

Mervin: You make me sick.

Ket: I think she’s making me sick too, but I can't tell if it’s her or all the vodka.

Mervin: Well, we’re done.

Ket: Woo!

Mervin: You’re free to leave, Ket. I’m not going to make you spork anymore. Here—you can take some vodka with you.

Ket: Aw, Merv, call me to spork anytime! I will take that, though. *snags bottle*




Me: Back to the script, thank God.

Lockhart: *arrives*

Slytherins: *keep up a constant stream of particularly unfunny comments about Lockhart, none of which he ever hears*

Lockhart: *gives the quiz*

Holly: *gets full marks*

Me: Are we ever going to hear about Hermione, or did the author write her out to be sure to make Holly the best? Not to mention that the reason Hermione got full marks was because she fancied him. Care to comment, Holly?

Holly: *continually calls Lockhart “the dandy”*

Author: I want to emphasize that I am making Lockhart as icky as I possibly can, instead of just a useless imbecile.

Lockhart: *ogles Holly*

Me: *is utterly appalled by this* You leave Lockhart alone! Of all the things he was, he was not a pedo!

Theo: Here, Holly, I’ll comfort you by putting my hand on your knee.

Me: Oh, and THAT’S okay?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, SUETHOR???!!!! I really need to work on that Holly death fic ASAP.

Lockhart: Pixies! *unleashes them*

Slytherins: *are all completely awesome and within minutes regain control—because the Slytherins are awesome, unlike those stupid Gryffindors*

Me: *yawns* Yeah, yeah.


Holly: *waits for Luna*

Luna: *arrives*

Holly: *revels in Luna’s soothing essence*

Me: Okay, that’s just creepy. This story delivers more creepies per sentence than any other fic I’ve seen.

Holly: *leads Luna to the Slytherin Common Room*

Me: This part as well probably needs to sporked as well.



“There’s something strange about you,” Luna put in without preamble from the chair. “I felt

—a strange disturbance in the Force.

drawn to you from the moment I saw you. It was like the opposites poles of a magnet.”

Are they about to engage in underage femslash? If they are, I’m leaving.

Holly blinked. She hadn’t expected that, though she probably should have.

“I could say the same of you.” She sat on the edge of her bed. “I felt something similar.”

They are about to engage in underage femslash! *leaves*

The Ravenclaw nodded with understanding. “Is that how you figured out I was a Mind Mage?”

“In part. I just suspected until I actually got close to you.” Holly paused, considering. “I knew as soon as I touched your mind.” She shock her head.

*cackles and hooks up the car battery*

“I just knew.”

“You’re a telepath?” Luna asked with interest.

4.5%, too. Good deal.

“Yes, but I’m not sure if that is all I am. I’ve never been tested,” she stated honestly.

I can’t wait to see what other abilities she has after she’s been tested. Actually, I could wait a very long time. Forever, really. I don’t want to hear about her other amazing abilities and all about how awesome she is when it comes to using them.

Blaise and she had researched Mind Magic, but they hadn’t tested her for any additional abilities as the spells needed were complex. They had decided to wait until they knew more about magic. Hopefully, they would be able to by next summer.

Oh yes, since Third Year will really be an adequate year for using complex spells on each other.

“I’m a telepath, too, and a Seer with touch of a Finder’s gift. I didn’t need to be tested. I’m like my mum;

In that you will hopefully be dead soon. I hate Sues like you. Canon!Sues are the worst.

she taught me until she died.” Luna held up a hand to keep Holly from expressing her condolences, continuing her monologue.

(Luna): Silence. Let the bigger Sue talk. I have more Super powers than you do.

“My dad knew about it before he married her; he didn’t mind at all. He is from an old family, one that respected such things.”

Is Luna some kind of Yoda-like mentor?

And what does that old family remark mean? That only old Pureblood lines are good? Now where have I heard that line of reasoning before.


“I’m self-trained,” Holly admitted. “I was raised by Muggles, who knew nothing about magic, and obviously, you know what happened to my parents. Everything I know I taught myself.”

(Holly): *flips hair* That makes me awesome.

I tend to agree with guardians_song when it comes to “self-taught” people and their magic. There is serious potential for self-destruction when it comes to magic, now that we know Ariana Dumbledore’s back story and her wandless magic. You could create a complex and very sympathetic character who was also extremely powerful, just like you wanted. Like with Holly—by all standards, she should’ve been too afraid to use any magic whatsoever because she was constantly being beaten for it, even which she was little. In case you didn’t notice, when that happens to little kids, they become too scared to do it anymore—as is evidenced with whatever happened to Ariana. That is the only way a story involving the super-abusive Dursleys could be fascinating—having Harry’s magic turn inward and drive him insane would be very interesting, because I’m sure he’d eventually destroy the Dursleys by accident, as well as his own home. And he’d probably wind up in St. Mungo’s for it.

But no. You guys choose to make it uninteresting, so Holly is “self-trained.” She’s just that good and that awesome, and given with how often she was beaten, I’m surprised she can do magic at all. She should’ve been like Ariana—her magic should’ve turned inward and she should’ve been driven mad.

So, once again, in her efforts to make Holly better than Harry, the author wound up making her incredibly boring.


The blonde studied her. “What can you do?”

The older girl exhaled. The pull towards the blonde was still there,

Jesus, I think they are going to have sex. That’s just creepy.

urging her to tell the Luna everything.

(Holly): I still wet the bed.

(Luna): I don’t want to hear that sort of thing!


“I can shield my mind, block out the voices completely. I can read surface thoughts and do deep scans,

Like a tricorder! Yet another reason why techno-language and Harry Potter don’t mix.

but I’m not very good at those. I can sense people without reading minds, but I have a limited range, about twenty metres in any direction.”

“Limited.” That’s not usually a word you see in a Sue-fic.

She thought about it. “I can send thoughts, speak mind to mind with a non-telepath.”

The Ravenclaws head snapped up. “You’ve told someone else about it. Someone not like us” She was holding her breath.

You make it out like you’re some kind of different species—no wonder people don’t like you!

“Yes,” Holly confessed. “I trust him with my life, and I haven’t said anything about you to him. He’s my best friend; he would never tell anyone.” She climbed off the bed and looked Luna directly in the eyes. “I know he would never harm me in any way.”

That’s it! I’ll have Blaise betray her in my death fic! Blaise will be so sick of having his character mutilated that he’ll sell her out to the sporkers!

Luna gazed at her and nodded. “He follows the Old Ways, doesn’t he? The ways where we were respected and honoured, not denied and feared. How it was before other influences leeched in.”

At this point, Luna is eleven-years-old and talking like some ancient Yoda figure with all the knowledge in the world. Gawd. I hate this author’s speech patterns. They blow butt.

The Slytherin responded, “Yes, but regardless of that, I still trust him.”

“That’s good. Just make sure that your other friends are trustworthy before you tell them.”

So, those filthy Weasleys are right out.

Luna whispered faintly, “The Ministry denies our existence for the most part,

YOU SAID THEY WERE TESTED FOR THESE ABILITIES!!! MAKE UP YOUR DAMNED MIND!!!!

but they know we are real, and they fear us. Others do as well. They’ll harm you if they find out, especially if they know you’re a telepath; they’re the most feared of all.”

Simply for the convenience of more angst. You know, I’d think that someone else would be the most feared, not a telepath. Because it’s quite obvious that telepaths can be blocked by a competent Occlumens (unless the author decides to change it later so Holly can rifle through Snape’s mind as well, which wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest, although it would piss me off something fierce). So, she’s racking up more points on our litmus test—super powers that are feared by all.

Green eyes brightened unexpectedly as something occurred Holly. “You act as though you are strange and crazy to keep them away, don’t you?”

*throws up her hands* CAN ANYONE IN THIS SHITFIC HAVE THEIR CANON PERSONALITY ANYMORE???!!!! EVEN LUNA’S IS ALL AN ACT!!!

Well, that makes her a suck-character in my book. You all know exactly how I feel about “it’s all an act” in fics like this.


she realised suddenly, saying it out loud. “Oh, forgive me,” she apologised, understanding how bad that had sounded.

Never mind all the horrible stuff she was saying up above. No, we can’t insult the telepath.

“I didn’t take offence.” The Ravenclaw smiled. “Well, some of it really is me, but I exaggerate it.

Look, Luna is who she is because JKR wrote her that way. It wasn’t all an act, it wasn’t because Luna was some kind of telepath with super powers and all sorts of shit like that. She simply was the way she was.

And I love how she acknowledges that she sounds crazy sometimes. That’d be like acknowledging she’s wrong. No, she openly believes in that stuff, okay?


My dad and I figured it would be for the best, but you saw through it so easily.”

(Holly): Because I’m SUPER SUE!!!

“And you saw through me.”

The two lapsed into silence for a moment before Holly spoke again.

God, SHUT UP!!!

“I’ve been thinking,” she started, moving back to her bed. “I don’t know a great deal about Mind Magic

Neither does the audience—we don’t even know what you know. You won’t tell us.

nor do I have any friends that are telepaths, so I was hoping that you could help me with both problems.”

Blue eyes widened with shock, conspicuously bright. “I would love to.”

Watch it, Luna—she made this “let’s be friends” speech to Ron and to Neville, too, and look where it got them. They’re constantly being mocked behind their backs by Holly and her precious Slytherin friends.

Oh, wait—she won’t have anything disparaging said about you. You’re a Sue, too.



After dinner, Holly had another heart-to-heart chat,

Oh, dammit, not another one!

this one with Blaise in one of the study rooms. The two were leaning over a black book, studying one of the pages.

Would you just say what it is, instead of being mysterious?!

“So you wrote in it last night and discovered extra writing this morning after Defence?” Blaise questioned, turning the book about.

And he did the Hokey Pokey…

The girl responded, “Yes, but when I wrote in it, the ink soaked in and disappeared. It was like a sponge with water.”

“Strange.”

Crazy mess…

“I know,” she allowed,

She allowed? Meaning she’s reticent to agree that it’s strange?

her eyes drifting to Blaise, who was now looking at her intently. “What is it?”

(Blaise): There’s a booger blowing in and out of your nose. And you have spinach in your teeth.

He sighed and ran a hand over his face.

Happy Face off, Sad Face on!

Unexpectedly, he placed the diary on a table and took both of Holly’s hands in his.

He’s being creepy again! *slaps him with a ruler*

“I don’t want to push you, Holly,

GAH, NO!!!

but I’m worried.”

Oh.

She blankly blinked at him, completely frozen.

Good—now one well-placed bullet will shatter her!

“Why didn’t you tell me about the Dursleys? About how the twins had to break into their house to free you?” He exhaled slowly, his grip almost painful in its intensity.

Oh, and now he’s grabbing her so tightly it’s hurting her. He just gets better and better, doesn’t he?

“About the bars?”

What bars? They didn’t put any bars on her window according to this fanon. They merely locked her in her room—without deadbolts, I might add.

She stiffened. “I… I… can’t. Not yet.”

(Holly): This is not a prime angst-off. I’m simply not ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMile.

Holly tried to pull away, but he held fast.

*slaps Blaise repeatedly* SHE WANTS YOU TO LET HER GO, GODDAMMIT. GET OFF OF HER!!!!

The girl fought the urge to panic, calming after a moment.

Don’t worry, Holly, it’s the “good” touch. *gags*

“Just give me some time, Blaise,” she murmured, not meeting his eyes. “I will tell you. I meant to tell you, but I just couldn’t find the words.”

Here, here are the words. “I am being abused by my relatives.” There. I gave you the words. Now just say them and STOP. ANGSTING!!!!!

The boy squeezed her hands and leaned his forehead against hers, their noses almost touching.

Now he’s being SUPER creepy!!!

“Fine, I can wait, but I do worry about you, Hols.

I hate that nickname. I really do. It’s stupid.

I hope you know that.” He sniffled, causing Holly to start when she realised that his eyes were red-rimmed.

Blaise—the sniveling little weenie.

“Blaise…” she began but trailed off, not entirely sure what to say. Holly was not used to having others care so much for her happiness.

Yes, we know. You keep telling us. But it’s a lie, as that’s all anyone cares about in this fic.

He exhaled slowly. His breath tickled her nose, and she sneezed, easing the tension unintentionally.

In his face? Well, he deserved it if he’s sticking his nose up that close to her. Get away from her, you creepy little weiner!

“You’re my friend, and I care about you. You might not matter to them, but you matter to me.”

This is incredibly sappy and I hate it.

He pulled back, impulsively pressing a kiss to her forehead.

He pulled back, but still kissed her? What, does he have Draco’s telescopic lips from Airhead fame?

Te amo, amorcita,” he whispered softly in what she knew was Spanish.

Spanish? But, they’re from Italy…

There was another far gentler squeeze, and her hands were released. They sat in silence for a few moments before Blaise spoke again.

“So what do you think?” He indicated the diary.

So what was the point of that random interlude, other than to make us gag?!

“Personally, I’m not sure. My senses tell me there’s something strange about it,” she took the abrupt change of subject with great aplomb,

As I said before—big words do not make you look smarter. Nor do they make you smarter.

wiping her eyes discreetly. “Do you think that I should write something else?”

Yes! Write lots of stuff, and really trust him! He’ll suck your soul out and kill you then!

Oh, what the hell am I saying. Of course he won’t. He is a Slytherin, and therefore awesome.


Blaise glanced at her and shook his head. “I believe we should wait.

Tell that to the author. She doesn’t believe in waiting or exposition.

We could try looking up things in the library about it like we planned. Maybe try a few more spells.” He snapped the diary shut. “I want to be sure before we write in it again. We have no idea what… or who is writing back.”

(Blaise): This automatically makes us more awesome than that stupid girl Ginny. Doesn’t it just?


Te amo, amorcita: I love you, little love.

Blaise has no business saying that to anyone at his age. And how does he know Spanish? His ancestral home is Italy. You said so yourself.

AN: A big portion of the Lockhart scene is directly quoted, but it was so funny that I couldn’t change it.

Which is basically why you did change it, and made Lockhart a creepy pedo and your Slytherins just the most awesome thing since sliced bread.

Almost all of the pansy’s dialogue comes straight from the book because I can’t write him.

Oh, and you think you can write everybody else?!

Most of the action in the scene is different; basically, I… er… “Slytherinised” things.

No, you didn’t. You simply made it what you deemed to be better. The Slytherins don’t know more charms than anybody else, they are on the same level as the other Second Years, but you decided to change that to make sure they were better than anyone else. So you didn’t “Slytherinize” anything. You Sued it. There is a difference.

Also, I like Luna, so she gets to be a main character.

She already was a main character. You’re just deciding to make her a Mary Sue so she can romp about with your other Mary Sue, Holly.

Plus, she is just so much fun.

She was fun. But you made her dottiness all an act, so she has ceased being any fun at all.

She’s a bit like Dumbledore but flightier.

Okay, one, she is nothing like Dumbledore. Two, according to you, it’s all an act. So make up your mind, would you?

Also, I gradually plan to include her more as the story progresses. She will have a part but not an especially large one until later on.

So she’s kind of like Remus in that regard—you introduced him early and I expected some plot changes of some kind, but it winds up he’s just kind of a peripheral character who doesn’t really do anything.

I can’t believe I’ve got twenty-five more chapters to go. Man.






Chapter Fifteen: Secrets and Samhain

Me: In this chapter, the Suethor, in her love of the Harry Potter universe and all the cool things you can do it, makes all of her character the very prejudiced she claims they’re not. It’s actually pretty damned funny. Here she’s been going on and on about how not all Slytherins are evil, and making the Slytherins out to be completely awesome and all that, but then makes them all put down Muggles in an effort to bring the Wizarding culture up. But enough of my talking about it—I might as well let you see it. But first, character bashing!

Holly: Luna and I are becoming fast friends! She’s hanging out with the Slytherins, as is proper.

Me: Notice that anyone who becomes one of Holly’s permanent friends is immediately converted to the Slytherin side, and hangs out in their Common Room, at their table, and nothing else? They’re immediately separated from their Housemates and hang out solely with Slytherins? Anyone else notice this interesting phenomenon?

Holly: And all of my Slytherin friends think that it’s just awesome that Luna’s with us. Blaise is obsessing over me, but it’s a good obsessing.

Me: And more double-standard—or, as Ket said, Sue-standard. Blaise does nothing but obsess over Holly and how she feels, what she’s doing, what’s going on in her life, etc. He never does anything for himself, it’s all for Holly, but so long as he’s doing as he’s told, she’s perfectly okay with it. But anyone even shows interest in her, and she immediately calls them stalkers and hates on them.

Holly: We’re also defending Luna from that evil Cassius Debello, the Third Year Ravenclaw who was harassing Luna when I first met her. Although apparently the ringleader of all the pranksters who attack Luna is Cho Chang.

Me: You only made it her because it’s a name you can use, you bitch! And I also notice that whenever somebody is pranking somebody that Holly likes, it’s evil pranking, but she won’t hesitate to try and set somebody else on anyone she finds revolting or not worth her time.

Holly: Oh, and woe is me with Ron and Neville—they like me and just how do I put up under the strain? I’ve decided to shut them completely out of my life, as that’s obviously the best way to deal with people I deem not worthy of my time. And Hermione and I are suffering strain on our relationship, as she does not like Luna very much, and as Luna is my fellow-yet-subordinate Sue, I don’t appreciate that.

Me: And this next part needs to be left in so you all can see it.


As for Ginny Weasley and her partner in crime, Colin Creevey, the two had taken to stalking Holly around the school. The pair had gotten ahold of her schedule somehow, and now, they often met the Slytherin outside her classes. The boy joyfully snapped Holly’s picture whenever he was around, receiving countless hexes from the other Slytherins, Milli and Theo in particular, for bugging her. He had been cursed so badly that he had been taken to the Hospital Wing no less than eight times in the last few weeks, oftentimes sprouting antlers from his nostrils, tentacles from his eyes, or both. Additionally, he had had the film ferociously ripped out of his camera several times by Holly’s defenders, the poor device being irreparably damaged in the process, but to no avail. Colin kept coming back for more. He was quite the glutton for punishment.

You read that correctly, folks. Colin Creevey, a star-struck little kid who thinks of Holly as a famous celebrity and all he wants is her picture, is being viciously attacked by people older than him. And, of course, they aren’t getting in trouble at all. They’re attacking him so badly he’s winding up in the Hospital Wing, too. And Holly thinks this bullying is perfectly acceptable. Of course, bullying against her is cause for angst and angst and angst, but anyone who annoys her deserves to be bullied and hexed and physically attacked with no fear of a reprimand.

Is it wrong that one of the main things that makes me mad in that passage is the fact that they never, ever get in trouble?

Holly: And I would tell Ginny to bugger off if it weren’t for the fact that the twins might get mad and prank me—and I can’t have that, can I? I’m the star.

Me: Maybe I’ll involve Fred and George in my “Holly Dies” fic. And what the hell is what the Ginny-as-a stalker thing, anyway? The reason she was fascinated with Harry was because she fancied him, and even then, she tended to avoid him, because she was embarrassed and got all tongued-tied around him (which, incidentally, is the hallmark of a little girl with a crush on her big brother’s friend, not of a fangirl like Romilda Vane. A lot of people, particularly H/G haters, fail to grasp this point). So, why the hell would she be following this twat around?

Holly: The only non-Slytherins I find tolerable are Fred and George Weasley. Gawd, how do I hold up under all this strain of being famous and beautiful and rich and smart and never getting in trouble no matter what I do?

Me: I swear, I would dearly love to bitchslap either Holly or the author. At this point, I can’t decide who needs it more.

Holly: We’ve also decided to study Defense on our own! We’ve started up the DA—I mean, just a Defense study group. And we’re learning more and more and more! We’ll be on the third year curriculum by Christmas.

Millicent: *knows the most hexes, curses, and jinxes*

Me: Yeah, and she sure knows how the use them, being one of the people who hexes and curses poor Colin the most. And this is somehow supposed to make me like her more? I mean, Snape knows more hexes, curses, and jinxes than anybody at Hogwarts—that doesn’t make him a good guy. In fact, most of his are some seriously nasty pieces of work—and so is he.

Holly: Oh, and how do I hold up even in our group—I’m the one leading the most! Oh, what on earth do I do?

Author: *skips forward to Halloween*

Me: And then she gives a very, very, very boring dissertation of what Samhain is, you know, that thing that the wizards don’t celebrate at Halloween? It’s all extremely long, and very drawn out as per usual considering this author does nothing but alternate between avoiding all exposition and doing nothing but exposition and explanations. Basically, it’s all a bunch of Celtic stuff, like bonfire dancing and a candle lighting and throwing a stone in a fire to see how your year will go and a bunch of stuff like that. But then the author accidentally puts the Slytherins back in canon by making them prejudiced against Muggles. Wanna see? You bet you do.


“You celebrated Halloween with the Muggles, right?” Draco asked thoughtlessly, belatedly noticing her face darken. “Well, it’s a bit like Halloween, but there are some differences,” he added gently. “It’s about honouring those who have passed beyond the Veil and about remembering them. In wizarding tradition, death isn’t to be feared but to be respected as a part of life.”

Gavin nodded, spearing an egg with his fork. “Yeah, it’s quite odd to actually find a follower of the Old Ways who is fearful of death since most believe in an after-life or reincarnation.” He shrugged, taking a bite. “But many of those beliefs have been fading in the last few centuries because of the increasing number of Muggleborns. Most of them don’t care to learn our traditions, so only the older families actually remember now.”

Milli wrapped an arm around Holly, hugging the girl to her side. “But thankfully, though Muggle-raised, Holly is not like that. She actually wants to learn about her heritage.”

“Oh, me, too,” Autumn put in, setting her glass down. “I want to learn, too. I find wizarding traditions to be far more interesting and relevant than most Muggle ones.”

Pansy beamed and patted her on the arm. “And it is so good to hear you say that, dear heart.”

The other girl preened, munching on her toast.

Yes, wizarding culture is so much more interesting and relevant than Muggle culture. Their traditions, too. Muggles suck. They’re totally subhuman and don’t deserve any attention. It’s all the Muggleborns’ fault that wizarding traditions are dying out. It’s a good thing that Slytherin clings so firmly to the old ways—otherwise these beliefs would die out. In fact, they’d better just start wiping out all the Muggleborns all together. They probably stole their magic from purebloods, anyway.

Author, I’m just as fascinated by the Harry Potter universe as you are. I want to frolic about and do magic, too. But you just showed that the Slytherins are still just as prejudiced as they ever were by expression your own desire to go to Hogwarts and be a witch. I know you didn’t intend to do it, believe me. You’ve been preaching to everybody about how all Slytherins aren’t prejudiced—but they clearly are here. Whoops. If I review, I’ll definitely be pointing this out. Makes me wish I could just point out the sporking to her as my review—but that’s just bad form.

Then the author proves that she missed the entire point of Deathly Hallows, and that whole, “Let the dead rest,” thing that JKR emphasized.


“Anyway, during Samhain – and Beltane, too – the Veil between life and death is lifted, so spirits can crossover and visit their loved ones. People light candles for those they’ve lost, carving their names on them. Sometimes, their spirits will visit as well,” he added as an afterthought.

Holly’s eyes widened. “Visit?”

Blaise and Draco exchanged a look.

And Gavin answered, “Most of the time it happens when the person sleeps that night, but I’ve heard that there are special ways to summon someone so you can talk to them directly.”

“You can actually talk to them?” Holly whispered, mind already whirling with ideas.

Blaise put his hand on her elbow. “You have to do a summoning ritual. I’m not sure we have enough magical control now, but we could try it on Beltane in the spring if you like,” he murmured in her ear, cutting the others out of the conversation. “My father’s library has a few books on it; we could look over Christmas.”

Holly nodded, too enraptured in the idea of actually speaking to her parents that she missed the oblique invitation Blaise had made concerning the holidays. The others exchanged looks, not knowing what the caramel-skinned boy had said to her.

So much for uniting the Hallows. No way this little idiot could do it.

Then the author shows even more prejudice against Muggleborns.


“Why doesn’t the entire school do this?” the smallest Slytherin inquired suddenly, her attention having returned to the conversation. “I mean, it sounds brilliant, so wouldn’t everyone want to participate?”

“Originally, we did,” Draco answered. “But the school adapted for Muggleborns because they wouldn’t know the traditions. Not like they couldn’t learn like Autumn and you though,” he added in an undertone, obviously displeased about it. “So we don’t officially celebrate Samhain school-wide, but the Slytherins have always had their own private celebration anyway. It dates back to the days of the Founders. Salazar’s wife was Celtic, and Samhain was her favourite; we’ve always been big on it.”

Yes, Muggleborns. YOU ARE MAGICAL BEINGS, SO YOU MUST CONFORM. CONFORM, DAMMIT. IF YOU DON’T CONFORM, YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF BEING A WITCH OR A WIZARD, SO YOU CAN JUST GO SCREW YOURSELVES.


Holly: *can’t stop thinking about the possibility of communicating with her parents*

Me: You know, the funny part of that bit is that Harry would have been obsessed too—but JKR makes it a point to emphasize that obsession with the dead is a bad thing, as is bringing them back from their rest for your own selfish reasons. This idiot thinks it’s great.

Holly: *extended description of getting up out of her seat*

Luna: *gets up*

Draco: *gets up*

Blaise: *gets up*

Me: Seriously. The author describes in detail everybody getting up.

Holly: Since Luna’s spending the night, we need some things from her Tower. *extended session of them going to the Ravenclaw Common Room* I need to go to the bathroom—but I’ll just make a big deal about it and not go in the Ravenclaw Dormitories.

Me: If we have to hear about her taking a piss—

Holly: Ah, I’m taking a piss.

Me: Oh, Jesus. Just when I think she can’t get more unappealing…

Holly: And just after I show exasperation about Moaning Myrtle being in, I feel guilty for not comforting her. Sue standard! But I’m allowed, because I’m the star. Wait! What is that presence? I can’t tell who it is at all! Oh well, back to my piss.

Me: This is disgusting.

Holly: Well, time to leave. Look—on the wall! Enemies of the Heir, Beware! I scream when I see what’s hanging from the torch!

Blaise: Let’s randomly note that I’m I better shape as I come running up!

Holly: *points*

Draco: Merlin’s staff!

Me: Man, that sounds like one of the Potter Puppet Pal’s wizard swears.

Filch: My cat! You did it, Potter!

Me: I don’t remember anything about hissing…great, what does the author have in store for us this time?

Dumbledore: *arrives* Everybody, please come with me.

Author: *calls Lockhart a “berk”*

Me: Considering this is from Holly’s POV and she is merely twelve, I don’t think the author knows what that means in the original rhyming slang.

Holly: *reaches out with her mind to attempt to soothe Filch’s mind*

Me: Oh, great—it’s either Rose Potter or Airhead when it comes to this fic!

Dumbledore: Well, she’s been Petrified.

Filch: No, it was them—her and her bigoted friends found out I’m a Squib!

Me: Next part needs to be left in.


And suddenly, it all made sense in Holly’s mind. She and the others had suspected that Filch was all but magic-less. It definitely explained his behaviour toward the students, but they hadn’t had it confirmed until now. Filch, the bane of Hogwarts students for decades and all-around mean-hearted man, was jealous of the very people he mistreated.

While part of the girl’s heart swelled with sadness for him as she knew what it was like to be the outsider, to be unable to be like everyone else, another part of it twinged with anger at him. It was not the students’ fault that they had usable magic and he did not. He shouldn’t act Dursley-like because of an accident of birth.

She dares be sympathetic towards him in the slightest after delighting in the fact that he was turned into an animal for two days. How dare she.

Snape: I come to their defense.

McGonagall: And I steal all your canon lines!

Snape: And I steal all of yours!

Me: This darkly amuses me. As Hyde pointed out, by the very nature of her changes, she admits that Snape is a prejudiced git, and has to foist off his lines on somebody else just to make him look good.

Canon: *is summed up*

Blaise: Bad things happen on Halloween after you go to the loo, Holly.

Me: So it’s kind of like Pulp Fiction, only stupid.

Then it gets boring again. It’s nothing but the Samhain celebration. It doesn’t further the plot, it doesn’t do anything for anything. The author seems to think that the Houses have more rooms than the Common Room and the dormitories. And they have a huge celebration. There’s bobbing for apples, dancing around bonfires, throwing stones into bonfires, and a candle-lighting ceremony that is very angsty. And then the author decides to throw in the classic cliché of the dead parents visiting her through her dreams. They are extremely sappy, and talk about Blaise, and everything is very sappy and disgusting. Then the author alludes to Snape, and how everything wasn’t his fault. And then she gives us a single tear, which made me gag.


AN: I know McGonagall seems a bit OOC in this chapter, but I don’t think she is.

You just stated that she seems OOC. You just never are able to make up your mind about anything.

For one, Holly is a Slytherin, and for all Minerva’s strictness, she is still biased against them.

NO. SHE IS NOT. 150 POINTS FROM HER OWN HOUSE. HER OWN HOUSE. FUCK YOU.

Second, McGonagall is still reeling from the fact that both of Holly’s parents were Gryffindors and that she, the bloody Girl-Who-Lived, is in the Serpent House.

Why would that shock her at all? She’s the one who helps with the Sorting, she’s seen people Sorted into all the Houses! She saw a Black go to Gryffindor! She would not be “reeling” from this, nor would she have a problem with it! Stop making her out to be a prejudiced git, because THAT. IS. SNAPE!!!!

We will see more of McGonagall’s “anti-Hollyness” in the next few chapters, especially with the Heir of Slytherin stuff that will soon come into play.

Oh. I can’t wait. Do you have any idea how much this infuriates me? She’s basically turning McGonagall into a less snarky, more pathetic version of Snape!

Also, if you are wondering where I got the info on Samhain, I mixed and matched from several websites and from what I already knew about the holiday.

Oh. Ow. That hurts me. You don’t “mix and match” what you want and what you don’t want.

Just a note: a lot of the teacher’s dialogue in the chapter comes directly from J.K., though some of it was moved around.

Like we didn’t notice.

For scenes like this, I keep the adults’ dialogue similar/bordering on the same and change what the students say since, oftentimes, they are entirely different children.

No kidding they are entirely different children—they’re certainly not the canon children!

Oh, important thing to remember. The fact that Holly didn’t hear any serpent “whispering” is a very vital clue.

I love how she doesn’t let her readers come to these conclusions.

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