Me: Let’s hope it’s a bomb. Or at the very least a few levels of hell.
Holly and Blaise: *make more progress into “Ming Magic”*
Me: Ming Magic? Where’s Queen and Flash Gordon when you need ‘em?
Author: *doesn’t want to bother with all that exposition nonsense and flashes forward to when Draco arrives*
Draco: *immediately hugs Holly and sticks his face in Holly’s and acts generally creepy with the way he’s touching her*
Me: *sighs and rubs her forehead* I give up. The author is going to continue to make these people touch her in exceptionally freaky ways, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Author: *reminds us that the Zabinis are better than the Weasleys because they are rich and have House-Elves*
Me: *throws rotten fruit at the fic*
Draco: I have a present for you, to make up for the one we lost with Dobby! It turned out to be a full servicing and detailing kit for her wand. The box was complete with several specialised and magical polishes, two ritual knives to carve runes of power, and a wrist-holster that was spelled to automatically fit and to prevent a wand from being summoned.
Me: Two things. One—DEAR GOD, NOT ROSE POTTER AGAIN!!!!!!! Two—okay, so they can make a wand holster that prevents things from being Summoned, but Flitwick couldn’t charm the key to the door to prevent it from being Summoned? Thanks for that, Suethor. It’s so good that I can point out every plot hole you have without any trouble.
Holly: *is exceptionally grateful*
Blaise: *smiles indulgently*
Author: *sums up what Holly and Blaise have been doing into a very boring, drawn out paragraph before bringing the diary back up*
Draco: No clue about this thing.
Holly: I just feel like I know the name for some reason. It’s so odd. And I’m going to do everything I can to find out who it is.
Holly: I have a better time with the Floo power this time, because Mr. Zabini is much better than the Weasleys and his pointers are infinitely better. And here we are at the station. But the barrier doesn’t work! I don’t understand!
Author: *keeps calling Draco “the blond”*
Holly: We approach this situation completely logically and like adults. We shall wait for our parents to come back through the barrier.
Me: Thus making it an entirely boring, BORING scene. Basically, the barrier works again, the Zabinis emerge, and everything works out just peachy keen. They go to Hogsmeade so they can wait for the carriages to come and get them, meaning Holly just gets to do everything early and before everybody else because she’s that awesome. We even get to have a moment of Holly’s arrogance when Rosmerta DARES express shock and surprise when she notices Holly’s scar. It’s all…extremely boring. And shows the serious flaw of this author’s summarizing style, because it is so boring. There is NO action, there is NO plot. There is NO NOTHING. I can’t even script it, it’s so boring.
Mr. Zabini: *diligently and morbidly describes that the carriages are pulled by Thestrals*
Holly: *takes that opportunity to angst about it*
Me: *is irritated*
Holly: Oh, the House-Elf! It must’ve been him that shut the barrier! See how clever I am?
Me: I see you’ve read ahead, but that’s all, really.
Holly: His name was Dobby, by the by.
Draco: After thinking long and hard about it, I realize that I have a House-Elf by that name.
Mr. Zabini: But there are lots of Dobbys out there, so it might not be him.
Blaise: He could be a free-elf.
Me: No, he couldn’t—not with how he was punishing himself. Did you not listen to that?
Draco: *makes a pretty nasty comment regarding House-Elves*
Nobody: *makes a comment*
Me: And, as usual, it’s perfectly okay for Draco to be a bigot, but the instant the Weasleys do something Holly doesn’t approve, they’re EVIL.
McGonagall: *is a Scary Sue*
Me: *is enraged about it* Maybe I’ll have McGonagall kill her…
Goodbyes: *are very sappy*
Blaise, Holly, and Draco: *go into the Great Hall*
Blaise: *acts like Holly’s bodyguard when it comes to people greeting her*
Ron: *does not greet her*
Holly: *immediately notices Luna Lovegood in the crowd of First Years*
Luna Lovegood: *is obviously about to be Sued up good and tight*
Me: Great. Luna’s one of my favorite characters—I hate people who Sue her because she’s rather dotty.
Holly: *does nothing but watch Luna Lovegood for the entire time and describes, in detail, the way she eats*
Me: Then it gets incredibly boring again. And I mean boring. The author describes in summary all about what Holly does afterwards, which is basically nothing except be rude and completely ignoring her year mates when they want to know what happened over the summer and dare show any kind of concern for her well-being, along with describing a reading corner she made out of an armchair one of the older students transfigured for her and it is SO FRICKIN’ BORING. I CAN’T STAND THAT IT IS SO BORING. I’M GOING TO DIE OF BOREDOM. If anything, somebody needs to review this person and inform her that her story alternates between very little action to absolutely NO action. Then she wakes up first the next morning, we get to hear about it, and she goes down to breakfast, and gets her schedule. Then they go to Transfiguration, and Blaise stares at her the entire time, which is creepy. But we’re getting used to Blaise being creepy by now. Then Blaise surprises her in the Slytherin common room with a surprise party for her birthday, because she deserves stuff like that as she is better than Harry, even if it is a month late, and Holly takes that as an opportunity to angst about how the Dursleys never did that for her. And it’s extremely boring. So, basically, nothing really happens in this chapter. No flying car, which makes me wonder what is going to happen when/if Hagrid tells her to follow the spiders.
So, I get to spork the author’s note, and then we move onto chapter fourteen.
AN: I always thought that it was complete bollocks that Harry never got a party in canon, so I just had to fix it.
That’s pretty much what you’re doing this whole time. And I’d agree with you, except it’s SO BORING, and you merely used it as an opportunity to provide your precious avatar with more ANGST.
Also, I thought it rather lousy that, even though they sent him things, he never got anything for his birthday in second-year. Personally, I know that if my gift to someone was lost, I would have bought them something else to make up for it.
More Weasley bashing and Hermione bashing from the author. Did you ever think that maybe the Weasleys couldn’t AFFORD to make up the gifts they’d sent to him? Oh, wait—that still makes them scum.