Me: And we open up with another time jump.
Holly: It’s Voldemort. I had a dream that was conveniently off-screen so the author didn’t have to write about it where I saw Firenze again and he explained it all to me.
Me: What, is that it? That’s the end of that section? You’d think the revelation that it was Voldemort would get a little more than just a, “Wow, Holly, you’re brilliant!”
Me: Canon is summed up again—the exams, a fight with Draco we didn’t get to see, them questioning Hagrid about fluffy, going to McGonagall, and them deciding who they’re going to watch. The stupid Gryffindors watch Snape, while Holly goes alone to watch Quirrell, and of course that’s a good idea to go alone.
Holly: I sense Quirrell and another presence! I wonder who it could be? I can’t determine his presence! WHAT A SURPRISE THAT HE COMPLETELY SNEAKS UP ON ME AND FULL-BODY BINDS ME!!!
Me: Aren’t we all shocked. *yawns*
Quirrell: *levitates her down the hallway and takes her with him to the third floor*
Holly: I’ve got to save myself! I’ll just use my nifty amazing super-duper special powers! *reaches out mentally and talks telepathically to Blaise* Save my scrawny ass!
Blaise: Oh, what do I do?! Who can I go to?! Flitwick! *runs away and runs into Draco*
Draco: What’s going on?
Blaise: Quirrell has Holly and is trying to steal the Stone!
Draco: Oh, you mean the one that people were conveniently talking about in the Common Room. You go get the Prefects and the others—I’ll get Flitwick and write to Dumbledore, as I’m having a complete change of personality!
Me: And off Draco goes. And I’m afraid I have to snip again, because the author basically sums up canon in a very boring fashion, except instead of Harry, Hermione, and Ron going through the trapdoor, it’s Blaise, Hermione, and Ron. And it’s just all summed up in the single most boring fashion I think I’ve ever read. It’s supposed to be the climax and all exciting the author just sucked every bit of excitement or drama or action right out of it. It’s not tense, it’s causes no anxiety, and you don’t feel any attachment to the characters involved. So the entire scene is going to be snipped entirely. I’m only including one section, which explains how Quirrell got through all of the obstacles—and I have to include it, because there is so much wrong with it it’s unbelievable.
Sometime earlier, Holly breezed through the obstacles, seeing as how she wasn’t the one actually battling them. Quirrell quickly extracted them from the devilish plant as soon as they landed, not even needing to repel it. Further, he simply summoned the correct key to the door, not bothering with the brooms. He didn’t even attempt to play his way across the chessboard, simply choosing to levitate the both of them over the board, stunning the pieces when they tried to stop him. He defeated the troll with a single burst of sickly green light. The only obstacle that actually held him up was the logical exercise with the potions.
He paced back and forth, the still spelled girl by the table, casting discrete glances at the paper detailing the puzzle. Just as she reached the conclusion that the smallest bottle was the key to going forward, his head snapped up, and Quirrell marched to the table, grasping the tiny bottle. He stared at it for an instant and glanced at Holly before flicking his wand and multiplying the amount within. He quickly forced it down her unresponsive throat and tipped his head back, taking the rest. They stepped to the door, the logic puzzle resetting itself as they left.
A moment later, they were beyond the fire, standing in front of the Mirror of Erised.
Okay. So, do we all see what is wrong with this picture? I think we do.
IF IT WAS THAT EASY TO GET PAST ALL THOSE OBSTACLES, THEY WOULDN’T HAVE EVEN BOTHERED PUTTING THEM UP.
Seriously—there are spells you can use to prevent someone from being able to Accio an object, and the troll wasn’t AK’d in canon! You expect me to believe that somebody could get through all of those spells in that fashion?! Why the hell did they even bother, then?! You IDIOT!!!
And, of course, you had to throw in Holly reaching the puzzle’s conclusion before Quirrell. Even in this, err, moment of strife, you have to show off. Shows your priorities.
Holly: Ah, I slowly awaken in the Hospital Wing…
Me: …what? *blank* What? You mean…the author just completely skipped the climax of the story? What the shit is that?! *throws her hands up* I give up. I completely give up. She summarizes the entire hospital scene, too, with Dumbledore, save her throwing in some random poem from Hogwarts: A History that helps Holly rationalize Quirrell’s death away to make sure she doesn’t feel guilty in any way. These last two chapters are so rushed and boring I have no possible way to make them funny. It’s seriously not my fault, people. Blame the author—you wanna check it out, feel free to look up the story on ff.net so you can see how bad it is without my script. But…damn, there is absolutely nothing I can do to this! It’s just…everything about it is bad!!!
Dumbledore: …and that’s why Snape hates you.
Holly: I’m still confused, so I’m going to attempt to root around in your mind so I can find out whatever I want, bitch! All I find is one word—prophecy. Hmm, something to ponder.
Everybody: *comes to visit*
Blaise: This is a perfect opportunity for me to put my paws all over you!
Holly: And what a defining moment—I don’t flinch.
Me: Thanks for mentioning it. *glares*
Hagrid: *arrives and gives his present*
Draco: *shows up* I have an interesting story to tell about why I’ve been such a pill this year, you know. Here, allow me to launch into my “It Was All An Act” speech!
Me: Oh, let’s let him, shall we?
Draco inhaled sharply before launching into an explanation of how his father had been a Death Eater in Voldemort’s inner circle but that Lucius Malfoy had been forced into it. He also whispered that the parents of Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy, not to mention Theo’s uncle, had all been forced into the Dark Lord’s service as well. When Holly questioned why Pansy and Theo could associate with Muggleborns and Muggle-lovers, Draco blithely informed her that their family had not been in the inner circle. If the Dark Lord were to return, he would severely punish the Notts and Parkinsons for their supposed treachery, but they would be left alive. That was not the case for the family members of Voldemort’s elite.
The girl stared at him blankly before reaching out her senses and searching his thoughts. And there it was, bright as day, for all the world to see. Had they been telepaths.
Draco Malfoy was telling the truth. He was actually telling the truth.
He had been a horrible git the entire year, not because it was his true personality, though it might actually have been. In truth, it was because he was afraid. He was deathly afraid that the Dark Lord would return and kill his family for associating with Muggleborns and the like.
I believe I’ve already discussed the whole fallacy with the elite being forced into service. And I think it’s pretty established that Lucius Malfoy was not forced, considering what he and his friends were doing in Goblet of Fire, and considering what Lucius Malfoy was selling in Chamber of Secrets, not to mention the utterly atrocious way he treated his House Elf. And I’ve also already made my feelings clear on the “It’s all an act!” attitude that these apologists have. And I’ve also pointed out that it’s Theodore Nott’s father, not his uncle who was the Death Eater.
So, in other words, I have nothing new to say to this. So I might as well move on.
Holly: I don’t completely forgive you, but I forgive you.
Draco: *simpers and whimpers about the idea of Voldemort showing back up*
Holly: *is all knowledgeable and high and mighty about it, making sure Draco apologized to everybody who needed apologizing to*
Draco: Oh, please, Oh Mighty Holly, forgive thouest servant, Draco.
Holly: Since I’m a kind, sweet, abused little thing, I’ll just let him stew for a few minutes before answering.
Me: And you expect me to sympathize with her. Bitch.
Author: *rigs the House Cup so that Slytherin wins it*
Me: And anybody who’s surprised, please raise your hands. I thought so. The only thing memorable from this entire ordeal is this part:
Professor Snape was shaking McGonagall’s hand, a horrible forced smile on her face. Holly caught the man’s eye, noticing a strange glimmer in it, but she was under no delusions that their relationship would truly change. He would still hate her, but hopefully, he would be a little less vocal about it.
She called Snape a girl, apparently, through bad writing. And why the hell would he be less vocal about hating you? What did you do? Slytherin’s been winning the House Cup for years now, and Quidditch—you didn’t add anything to the House whatsoever. He’ll probably hate you more for getting yourself caught by Quirrell and all but helping him get the Stone.
Crabbe and Goyle: *do better on their exams than Ron*
Me: YOU DIRTY LITTLE WHORE!!!!!! *DESTROYS DOWNTOWN TOKYO*
Boring Tally of Everybody’s Exam Scores: *is very boring*
Me: God, is this over yet?!
Author: I’m tired of this Year—so we’re going to skip ahead to the train station.
Me: And we totally do. Suddenly, we’re at the train station.
Blaise: Come meet my parents!
Parents: *are very Sueish and annoying—kind of like the Diggorys in Rose Potter*
Holly: And I can’t wait for school to start again!
Me: I feel I must quote Mike Nelson—finally, mercifully, like a bad case of malaria, this Year doesn’t so much end as much as it…subsides. And it gets a big fat ZERO from me. This was AWFUL. This was DREADFUL. This was one of the worst fics I think I’ve ever read! I couldn’t even make it funny!
And God! We still have two more years to go! I have thirty more chapters left to spork, and they only get longer as the fic progresses!!
Kill me now.