Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

Child of Grace

And so, I double-fibbed. I said I wouldn’t get it out this week and ta-da, I did! I was surprised myself, really. But here it is, in all its ugly glory. It was a particularly bad chapter, so I hope you guys don’t choke on it.



Chapter Five: Trains, Truces, and a Turning Point

Holly: While much of my life is the same, much has changed!

Me: So which is it, you idiot?

Holly: She still read constantly, but now, she did so in the safety of her own bedroom at anytime she desired, which was always, without fear of reprisal from the Dursleys. Further, every morning she still made breakfast, but now, it was for herself, not her relatives. And she was actually allowed to eat her food at the table.

Me: Oh, goodie. I’ll bet you all really wanted to hear about some more angst, didn’t you?

Holly: Magic was also a welcome change to her life as she practiced it at every opportunity. She had attempted and successfully cast several spells from her books, including one that levitated objects and another that turned a match into a needle, though it had taken her several tries to do anything more than make it silvery.

Me: And so, Rose Potter comes to the fore again. If I do review, I have to mention her. I mean, seriously—this is getting ridiculous.

…what am I saying? “Getting”?

Holly: Remus Lupin is also part of my life now! I’m writing to him about everything, although through bad writing, I imply I write to him about nothing. And how surprising it is that he writes back!

Me: He’s the one that suggested you two write each other! Why the hell wouldn’t he write back?! Unless you’re trying to milk this for more angst, that is. Which, if you are, I’m gonna wallop you with a broomstick.

Holly: I’m having such vivid dreams!

Me: That need to be quoted. It’s really stupid.


She dreamt of a lady with hair that was silver and gold, as though someone had taken the two metals and woven them together, and a man with hair so dark that it almost made black look pale in comparison. The couple was in what appeared to be a cross between a castle’s garden and its parlour. There was furniture, though most of it was nature themed, and a stone floor, but there was also grass with flowers and trees. To top it all off, the entire room was open to the sky with the stars twinkling like mad above.

The woman wore a dress that looked as if someone had taken water and woven it into fabric, and she smiled sweetly at the man in his robes that were every imaginable shade of green. They spoke, but it was too faint for Holly to hear. They laughed and strolled around, the air filling with wonderment and magic.

As time passed, she began to notice that the pair was not alone; there were several animals present as well. A storm-grey owl sat perched on the back of a chair, a fox curled up on the cushion with what appeared to be some sort of cat. A stag ate grass without concern, even though a silverish-brown wolf laid not three metres away, and a coyote sauntered about nearby. A giant, black dog that was the size of a small pony ran around and barked happily, while chasing a red-gold bird. A serpent crawled across the ground and slithered up the front leg of the dog when it paused to rest, looping loosely around its neck. There were others in the background, but Holly didn’t catch more than glimpse of them, though she distinctly recalled seeing a penguin, a tiger, and a racoon.

All in all, the dream was magical.

Yes, amidst the obvious metaphors she dreams about, we have…a penguin. In her magical dream. Right. I got nothin’.

Holly: And Hagrid apparently gave Dudley a pig’s tail for no reason this time around. And we never heard about it until now. Tee hee!

Me: That really makes Hagrid out to be a malevolent piece of work.

Holly: Hagrid didn’t mention how to get onto the platform. Fortunately, my totally awesome friends I met at the bookstore had thought to warn me about it!

Me: Brace yourselves folks. Here comes some Weasley bashing.


The only slight mishap she had had was when one of the adults on the platform, a chubby and redheaded woman, had yelled at Holly for using her wand to levitate her trunk on the train. The woman had not believed her for a minute when she had stated that she hadn’t known about the rules governing underage magic because she was a first-year. The woman had replied that no first-year could perform such a spell, although Holly had learned the Levitation charm, Wingardium Leviosa, from one of her books. The bossy woman had made her twin sons lift the trunk from the spot it had fallen when she had grabbed the girl and onto the train. She had then departed after a few more words of censure, leaving in her wake a calm-faced but inwardly furious Holly.

Methinks this person is mad about Mrs. Weasley’s totally awesome, “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!” I hope she gives the same treatment to little smug-ass Holly, here. Just where the hell do you get off on calling Molly Weasley “chubby”?

Holly: Through a run-on sentence, I identify the boy who comes into my compartment as one of the “demanding woman’s brood.”

Me: You know, you could be a little less disdainful. It might make you more sympathetic, which I know is what you’re aiming for. Instead you’re just coming off as a bitch.

Boy: *is suspicious for some reason* Can I sit here?

Twins: *enter* We apologize profusely about our mother. I’m George Weasley, and this is Fred, and that’s Ron.

Holly: I give you a genuine smile, for your thoughts are pure! I’m Holly Potter. Only Ron’s eyes travel to my forehead, even though canonically, Fred and George were just as in awe of Harry as Ron was. But I’m here to bash Ron, not the Weasley twins, because they could’ve been Slytherin. That makes them worthy.

Twins: *chat for a moment before leaving*

Me: Seriously—that’s how she sums it up.

Holly: I don’t like the turn his thoughts have taken, and I deny him the treat of seeing my scar.

Me: That is seriously how she puts it. Arrogant little turd.

Holly: Time to condense some time, as I can’t stand being in this pathetic being’s presence. I’m going to go look for Blaise, as he’s a Slytherin and therefore awesome. I ask Ron to join me only because I’m polite, though I curse the Dursleys for making me be so polite.

Me: Actually, you’re about the rudest thing I’ve ever seen. You and Rose Potter would get along just fine. You’re both horribly stuck-up.

Ron: No, I’ll stay here.

Holly: *goes off and runs into Hermione*

Hermione: Neville lost his toad—have you seen it?

Holly: No, but I’m so smart I tell you to get one of the older students to Summon it.

Hermione and Neville: We are both stunned! *go off*

Holly: I use my powers of awesome to sense which compartment Draco and the others are in. And I find them! *knocks*

Draco: Splendid, Holly.

Me: Draco does not talk like this. Just because he’s rich doesn’t mean he’s a posh little gentleman. In fact, he was quite the opposite in canon.

Draco: *offers his hand*

Holly: *takes it* Another electric jolt! And it’s a pleasure, Draco.

Blaise: These are our friends. Millicent ‘call me Milli’ Bulstrode. Pansy Parkinson. Theodore ‘Theo’ Nott. Gavin Darklighter.

Me: “DARKLIGHTER?” What the hell is that? And I’m positive she’s going to make Pansy Parkinson all nice. Which is stupid—JK admits that Pansy Parkinson is her own personal Scary Sue.

Blaise: *smugly* And this is Holly Potter.

Nobody: *looks at the scar*

Me: Okay, how come it’s all right for them to be stunned and in awe, SO LONG AS THEY DON’T LOOK AT THE SCAR?

Holly: *shakes everybody’s hand* Everybody makes me tingle!

Me: And that’s so wrong.

Entire conversation: *is for Holly’s sake*

Me: Of course it is. *rolls eyes*

Slytherins: *talk about all the people that will be with them at school*

Draco: My two friends Greg Goyle and Vincent Crabbe will be in our year also. They may look dumb, but it’s mostly an act. They’re surprisingly intelligent…when they want to be.

Me: Okay. Automatic FAIL. Doesn’t matter what character it is or what they are doing or who they are—you make their canon character traits “all an act,” you FAIL. You FAIL. And you fail HARD.

Slytherins: *continue their talk about who’s who*

Train: *arrives*

Holly: Oh, and that Hagrid immediately comes to me. How do I hold up? Thankfully, Blaise extricates me.

Me: Like I said. Making her disdainful does not really help your whole “PITY MY CHARACTER, GODDAMMIT” drama.

Canon: *is once again condensed into a sentence and suddenly we’re at the Sorting*

Holly: *attention was diverted from the enchanted ceiling, which she had read about in Hogwarts: A History but was not going to brag about like the bushy-haired girl she had seen earlier*

Me: You’re a bitch.

Sorting Hat: *sings canon*

Sorting: *is completely skipped until we get to Holly*

Holly: *bows to the Hat* I want to make a good impression, after all.

Me: Okay, OKAY, OKAY!!!! WE GET IT!!! YOU’RE THAT MUCH BETTER THAN HARRY AND THAT THE DURSLEYS BEAT MANNERS INTO YOU, NOW WILL YOU STOP!!! BOWING!!!!

Sorting Hat: Hmm—what’s this?

Holly: *felt a light and gentle probe in her mind, instantly stiffening on the stool*

Me: …mimblewimble… *dies*

Sorting Hat: Ah, I see that you have a great gift, youngling.

Me: What is this—Star Wars? Come to think of it, this twit bears a striking resemblance to young Anakin Swywanker.

Holly: Oh no! I didn’t want anyone to know of my mental abilities for no other reason other than I like keeping it a secret!

Sorting Hat: I won’t tell. Mind Mages are a rare and wondrous thing.

Me: And we finally have a name for her wonderful and awe-inspiring abilities. Goodie.

Let’s see the rest of the sorting without my input, shall we?


Plenty of courage, I see. And… Great Maker! What a mind, quick and clever!” The Hat’s mental voice was practically singing with joy and enthusiasm. “I haven’t had someone like you in quite a time,” it added happily, sensing her bemusement. “There’s talent – oh my goodness, yes – and a nice thirst to prove yourself. Now, that’s interesting… So where shall I put you?

The earlier words of its song resounded in Holly’s head: You’ll make your real friends.

‘Slytherin,’ Holly thought, ‘the friends comment was about Slytherin.’ An image of Draco Malfoy being sorted into Slytherin emerged.

Hmm… yes, I did say that you would make your real friends there.” The Hat quieted for a moment, clearly thinking.

Are you sure? You could be great, you know, it’s all in your head, and Slytherin will help you on the path to greatness.” The Hat again paused after its little speech.

Within her mind, Holly heard a slight mental sigh.

Evil is coming young one; I know that it is.”The Hat again sighed, but there was a spark of hope in its next words. “You would be their light in the storm… but you would also be their darkness… not suffocating but soothing. Yes, I most definitely know where to put you. If we want to win, better be…

“SLYTHERIN!”



Okay, none of that made any sense, other than sounding decidedly emo. And I hate it when people make the Hat gush over their characters like crazy. It’s annoying.

And I wanna know what makes her a Slytherin. Where’s her ambition? I saw none. With how cowed she’s supposed to be, why would she make a good Slytherin? Not to mention the fact that, much like Rose Potter, she c&p’d a line that, given her altered context, would make no sense. The bit about being great in Slytherin was trying to convince Harry to try Slytherin—this bint has already made up her mind.

McGonagall: *is appropriately shocked*

Me: Nothing I hate more than the, “ZOMG she was supposed to go to Gryffindor!” attitude that Suethors implant in the characters’ brains.

Holly: *bows again to the Sorting Hat*

Me: GODDAMMIT!!!! *destroys downtown Tokyo*

Draco: Oh, smashingly brilliant, wot wot.

Me: I’m getting sick of Draco’s pseudo-posh speech.

Everybody who was Sorted into Slytherin in Canon: *Sorted into Slytherin*

Me: And that makes them awesome, doesn’t it just?

Holly: But why aren’t my other friends, Gavin and Jacqueline and Anthony and Mandy not in Slytherin? Why are they in Ravenclaw?

Me: Because not everybody is going to be a Slytherin, you little twit. And by all practical standards, neither should you! You don’t have an ounce of ambition!

Holly: And look at everyone else there is! There’s Solaris Morningstar, Marcus Flint, Cordelia Capulet, Titania Shacklebolt, and Sophia Dolohov!

Me: Okay, you really lose when it comes to giving out names. And how come everybody didn’t feel the need to introduce themselves to Harry Potter when it came down to it?

Blaise: *takes a long time to be Sorted into the most awesometastic House evah, Slytherin* I thought the Hat would never choose!

Draco: How did it choose?

Blaise: *is all mysterious and looks intently at each of his friends instead of answering*

Me: Making it obvious as to why he chose Slytherin. Because his fwiends are all there, not because he has any defining attributes for the House.

Food: *arrives*

Holly: *really…doesn’t make a big deal out of it*

Me: You know, for someone who’s been forced to eat off of the floor or outside her whole life—and only scraps—you’d think she’d be a little more impressed with the spread. And for someone who’s never encountered magic before, you’d think she’d be a little more impressed with the manner of arriving.

Bloody Baron: *arrives* Greetings, Holly Potter. I am Baron Decius de Machiavelli, though many here know me as the Bloody Baron. *introduced himself elegantly in a smooth but commanding voice, adding the last part with a smirk*

Me: Oh, hell, why didn’t you just name him Count Winston Marcellus duMond and be done with it? And you know, the Bloody Baron is an unpleasant character, that is canon. And Machiavelli wrote “The Prince”! Just because he wrote it doesn’t make him some kind of cunning genius! He was a diplomat, for crying out loud! God, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of, trying to make him “devious” to be a true Slytherin!

Bloody Baron: I was rather surprised when you bowed to the Sorting Hat; might I inquire as to why?

Holly: *gazed at the ghost in surprise; she had not thought that such an act would cause a stir*

Me: Well, it wouldn’t BE a stir if you people would STOP. BRINGING. IT UP!!!!!!!

Holly: I was simply being polite, sir.

Bloody Baron: *bows before leaving*

Holly: *returns it*

Me: *just…resigned by this point with all the stupid, stupid bowing* She must look like the woman in The Sound of Music who won third at the music festival.

Titania Shacklebolt: Hmm, it seems as though the Baron has taken an interest in you, Holly. And I can see why. You’re an unusual one.

Me: That strikes me as rather rude.

Alé: *stops by to warn about Blaise and his friends* They’re a hand-full I tell you, deadly quick and clever. Love mischief. They’re probably set the dorm on fire or charm everyone’s hair pink for a prank.

Me: Ladies and Gentlemen, the budget, off-brand Fred and George!

Holly: My scar burns! My eyes rapidly land on Quirrell first, because I’m that awesome, but then on Snape. Both of them are watching me intently, but I am awesome and stare right back, making them both look away.

Me: You, a pathetic little eleven-year-old girl, make Professor Severus Snape drop his gaze? Yeah, like I’d believe that. And stop going on about your emerald eyes.

Gonna leave the following paragraph in tact, so you can see the level of a) canon squashing, and b) the author’s annoying insertion.


Soon afterwards, it was time for the yearly announcements. Holly could understand why several people laughed at the dire pronouncement that the third-floor corridor would lead to a swift death, as Dumbledore presented the idea comically, but neither she nor many of the Slytherins laughed; apparently, her House took death threats seriously. Dumbledore made a few more announcements before leading the school on a jubilant (AN: note my sarcasm) rendition of the school’s song, which everyone sang to a different tune with the Weasley twins finishing last to a very slow funeral march.

Thank you, author. And you know what? We actually wouldn’t have been able to note your sarcasm, because the writing sucks that badly.

Holly: And we go to bed. To the Slytherin House—which is in front of “a portrait of an elegantly dressed couple sitting by a lake, gazing at a cloudless sky.”

Me: …excuse me? We saw the entrance to the Slytherin Common Room in Book II! It’s a blank expanse of wall!

Common Room: *was quite large and was coloured in various shades of green, predominately the main House colour, but there were lighter ones as well. There were outlines of silver on the walls and most of the furniture, and oddly enough, there were also hints of dark blue and gold visible*

Me: Oh, I see. They’re just so special they get hints of Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, too. No hints of Hufflepuff, I notice. And guess what? All that crap? Not canon. The walls are stone and there are skulls everywhere, so screw you.

And now, a sporking. Joining me is Ket Makura of LJ! Yay for Ket for saving me from this drivel!



“Hello first-years, and welcome to

Mervin: —hell.

Ket: Next stop, first circle!


Slytherin. I am sure that your time here will be well spent.

Mervin: She smiled unpleasantly as she eyed each and every one of the First Years.

Ket: (Speaker): Mmm…beefy.


I just wanted to say a few words.”

Her statement elicited a chuckle from the other Prefects.

Mervin: *false laughter*

Ket: She should take that as a cue to sit down and shut up.


“Okay, maybe more than a few words about our House.” She again grinned, looking over the younger students.

Mervin: Strap in, Ket. I have a feeling we’re gonna be here a while.

Ket: Christ on a cracker. Where’s my crash helmet?


“As you have probably already guessed, this is the Slytherin Dormitory.

Mervin: Actually, it’s just the Common Room.

Ket: Actually, we couldn’t give two shits. Get on with it.


Our dorm is a rather unusual one, given that the other Houses room in Towers.

Mervin: They do not! Hufflepuff is underground down by the kitchens! Stop trying to make yourselves out to be something special!

Ket: The only thing special about you is that you have the Hottest Evil Bastard in all of Harry Potterdom championing your house.

Mervin: And the Hottest Snarky Bastard.

Ket: Him too.


Part of it, the Common Room and a few other rooms, is completely underground. The rest, the actual dorms, is actually located inside of the cliff,

Mervin: Jesus—how many rooms does the Slytherin branch have? I don’t think it’s very fair that they have dorms, a Common Room, and God knows what else to go along with it. And you know, this is just the opening paragraph and she’s already made who knows how many errors. Should we be worried?

Ket: It's like honeycomb!


so all of your rooms will have a nice view.”

Again, there were a few sniggers and grins.

Mervin: Uh, WHY? Why are these people all LAUGHING all the time? What is this, HappyLand?

Ket: Maybe her fly’s open.


“Get on with it, Alex.” Solaris, the male fifth-year Prefect, stated. He smirked wickedly.

Mervin: That just frightens me. And badfic has made me detest the word “smirk.”

Ket: Honestly, this is making me feel like the House is about to break out into an orgy.


“Fine, fine,” Alexia acquiesced with a mocking bow.

Mervin: Goddammit, everyone bows in this stupid fic! What is this author’s obsession with bowing?!

Ket: That's right, Alexia. Bend over, grab something, and bite the pillow…


“I just wanted them to have a little information about their new home.

Mervin: (Alexia): Because we’re so much more awesome than the other Houses. They don’t give opening speeches like this.

Ket: *tips back in her chair* I should have brought War and Peace or something…


Now then, the entrance we took you through is the primary one; there’s a secondary,” she indicated a bare stretch of wall on the far side of the room,

Mervin: What?! What the hell is this?! These canonical errors are driving me insane!!!

Ket: Uhm…I thought the point was that there was one entrance to each house? Through the paintings? And windows, I guess.

Mervin: Slytherin has one entrance—and that is through a wall. There is no painting. NO PAINTING!!!

Ket: *edges away from her*


“which uses the same password. We’ll show you its outside entrance tomorrow.

Mervin: *giggles stupidly* She said “entrance.” Ah, the joys of bad porn.

Ket: (Alexia): But I'll show you the back entrance in just a minute!


All this week, we will also be taking you to your various classes and showing you around the castle. We’ll show you a few secret passages to help you on your way and how to not become lost in the dungeons.”

Mervin: (Alexia): *pompously* Because we’re the best.

She turned and glanced at her fellow Prefects,

Mervin: Wait—how many Prefects do they have? You only get two per year! DAMMIT!!! GET SOMETHING RIGHT FOR A CHANGE, WOULD YOU??!!! I’m seriously about to destroy downtown Tokyo again.

Ket: Mervzilla!


motioning the seventh-year girl to join her. “You’re up next, Sandra.”

The older girl winked and sauntered up to speak.

Mervin: *through gritted teeth* Ket, isn’t it wonderful that they’re So. Goddamned. Cheerful. All the fucking time?

Ket: I’m waiting for them to start farting glitter.


“I just wanted a quick word about class work and classes in general.

Mervin: No, I remember what you all did the last time people wanted a quick word. *straps in*

Ket: Oh, for hell’s sake! Stop talking and DO something!! Pants a Hufflepuff!


First-years are required to take eight classes: Astronomy, Charms, Transfiguration, Potions, Defence Against the Dark Arts, History, Herbology, and Flying.

Mervin: Ket, how come the other Houses don’t do this?

Ket: *glowers* I don’t know. I think Lucius needs to come in with his Pimp Cane and tell these young idiots to stop talking so damn much.

Mervin: I’m just annoyed by the level of hand-holding these people are doing with their young Slytherins.

Ket: Exactly! Pimp Cane, dammit!


If you need any help in Astronomy, Charms, Herbology, Flying, or Potions the professors will be happy to help,” she announced evenly.

Mervin: Meaning the other subjects’ professors won’t be glad to help?

Ket: (Sandra): If it’s any other classes, you can just bugger right off.


“Our Head of House, Professor Snape, teaches Potions, so I expect you all do try your best there.

Mervin: No mention of Snape’s unfair and blatant favoritism, I see.

Ket: I would say something about no need to mention the obvious, but this fic just spells everything out anyway.


For History, I would recommend that you don’t go to Binns. Instead, come to either Titus

Mervin: —Andronicus. He will cut off your hands and rip out your tongue.

Livy – he’s a fourth-year but really knows his stuff – or to me, Cassandra Troy.”

Mervin: Quick! Get Sean Bean in a skirt in here, STAT! He’ll fix this problem for us!

Ket: Get Sean Bean in anything! He might not fix the fic, but he'll distract us!


She curtsied with a chuckle. “For Defence you could go to Quirrell but expect to be forced to wade through a great deal of stuttering.”

Mervin: Ah, finally. A bit of canon—derogatory statements behind somebody’s back, instead of to their faces. That’s a canon!Slytherin trait.

Ket: It’s like wading through shit and finding a piece of corn, Merv—it’s not worth it.

Mervin: Hell, Ket, I’ll cling to a piece of corn at this point, I’m so desperate for canon.

Ket: I just keep hoping Snape will burst in, call them all idiots, and leave.


Here, all of the Prefects sniggered, a few of them trying to turn it into a cough.

Mervin: See! There! She’s implying Slytherin gets more than two Prefects per year! That’s chapping my caboose for some reason.

Ket: They’re so special that they get nine!


Sandra just ignored them entirely. “Just ask anyone who is older for help; you’re better off that way. Finally,

Mervin: (Sandra): —we’ll be passing out diapers to all you helpless little First Years. Just ask the older students to change you should you need it.

Ket: (Sandra): We will be passing out ba-bas at the end of the meeting.

Mervin: *gigglesnort*


for Transfiguration you could always go to McGonagall, but she’s Head of Gryffindor and generally does not like Slytherins.

Mervin: That’s a bald-faced lie!

Ket: I thought she was kind of…impartial?


So unless you want stern glares instead of answers, come see Alexia here.” Cassandra indicated her friend. “Solaris or James.” She pointed to the two males Prefects in order.

Mervin: Okay, I think I get it. The author apparently thinks you get two female Prefects and two male Prefects. Although we can’t tell if she’s giving them two per year this time around or not.

Ket: …Solaris?

Mervin: Oh yes, Solaris Morningstar, who gets an award for a Really Crappy Name.

Ket: Morningstar like the weapon, or like Lucifer?

Mervin: I’m going to go with Lucifer, because these people have to be from Hell. There’s no other way they could be this annoying without being from Hell.


Cassandra began to move away but quickly turned back around.

Mervin: Jazz hands!

“One last thing, if you have any questions – whether it’s for homework or anything else –

Mervin: (Sandra): —you can just take your questions and cram them where the sun don’t shine.

Ket: I’ll drink to that!


my fellow Prefects or any of the upper-year students will be happy to help. However, I would advise you to remember that the fifth-years and seventh-years have the OWLs and NEWTs to study for and will be very busy.” She grimaced at the thought.

Mervin: And apparently, everyone else will just be sitting around waiting to help the delicate little First Years. If I recall, Harry was extremely busy for all years he was at Hogwarts.

Ket: Nah, the Slytherins will just party the night before, cram at dawn, and pass with flying colors!

Mervin: They are that awesome.


“Also, please remember that we can’t fight your battles for you.

Mervin: And this has what to do with anything?

Ket: Since WHEN? Every time I’ve seen a Slytherin pick a fight, there’ve been at least two of them around!


However,” she stated emphatically, looking at the first-years intently, “we will support you and help you in anyway we can. You just have to ask.”

Mervin: *dully* Welcome to McAwesome’s, apparently. I’m getting pretty sick of these people tooting their own horn. Okay, we get it, you people are awesome and just the most supportive House out of anybody around, and everybody else sucks. When do we get to move on?

Ket: My problem is that it’s not in CHARACTER! They do think they’re awesometastic, but that’s because they’re smug bastards, not magical sparklie fairies!


She smiled and returned to the rest of the older students.

James Bode, the seventh-year Prefect and Head Boy, stepped forward.

Mervin: GOD, NOT AGAIN!!! WHEN WILL YOU MAKE IT END??!!!

Ket: Can’t you bring Sands and his gun in here to take these idiots out?!

Mervin: Sands won’t play, unfortunately. The bastard.

Ket: I’m almost tempted to bribe him!

Mervin: I tried every bribe in the book and he still wouldn’t play.


“Thank you, Sandra. Now there are several things you need to know about our House itself.” He paused as if gathering his thoughts.

Mervin: I wonder if he’s gathering his thoughts.

Ket: That’d be a small handful.


“We have a bit of a bad reputation.

Mervin: *rocks out* I don’t give a damn about my reputation!!!</b>

We are thought of as dark, dreadful… and a whole slew of other negative things. While we might actually be all of this, there are several things that we are not.”

Mervin: Oh boy. Here we go—now the author’s climbing up on her soapbox to deliver a from-the-heart speech about how Slytherins are just misunderstood.

Ket: Mayhaps they should tell Draco to stop being a dickslap, then.


His voice began to rise in volume as he continued, “We are not all Death Eaters.

Mervin: No, but some of the students are children of Death Eaters and thus grew up with those beliefs ingrained in their puny little psyches. Gonna skate over that?

Ket: The rest of them are tree-hugging hippies.


We’re not all a Muggle-haters nor do we despise Muggleborns.

Mervin: Yes, author, we acknowledge that not all Slytherins are evil. THERE JUST HAPPEN TO BE SOME THAT ARE, YOU DICKHEAD.

Ket: More importantly, why do the First Years need to know this shit?

Mervin: They don’t—but the audience does.

Ket: No. We don’t.

Mervin: Tell that to the author.


In fact, there are actually quite a number of Muggleborns in this House, as many as there are in any of the others.”

Mervin: Was it ever confirmed whether or not Muggleborns can even get into Slytherin?

Ket: No, but I doubt it, since bigotry seems to be fine and dandy for them.


James looked at each and every one of the first-years.

“You can think and believe whatever you want, but you will not bring your prejudice into this House.

Mervin: So, you can’t think and believe what you want.

Ket: *starts bashing her head against the chair*


You will, under no circumstances, insult any member of Slytherin because of their blood.

Mervin: (James): Because Slytherins are the best! Anyone else is fine.

Ket: (James): At least, not to their face.

Mervin: I guess it’s still okay to insult the other Houses because of blood, though.


If we catch you doing this, and do not think that we won’t, you will most definitely not like the punishment.”

Mervin: (James): It involves Professor Snape’s spanking machine.

Ket: He said they WOULDN’T like it, Merv.

Mervin: Oh, sorry.


He again paused, inhaling sharply. “Further, you’re not to say such things to members of the other Houses.

Mervin: Tell that to Draco “I Am A Bigoted Cock” Malfoy.

Ket: Son of Lucius “I Have a Big Cock” Malfoy!


We don’t need to add to our already dubious reputation. While we we’ll not reprimand you in front of the other students, do not think for a minute that you will get away with it.”

Mervin: Oh, I see—so everybody was secretly reprimanding the Slytherins for their behavior in canon. Never mind that it never seemed to take affect.

Ket: Again, someone’d better rein Draco in. He’s flaunting their “rules” all over the place!


His deep blue eyes burning with emotion, he turned and stalked back to the other Prefects.

Marcus Flint stepped forward next, surprising Holly with his articulate speech.

Mervin: Look, Marcus Flint was held back a year in canon—because of a mistake, true, but she still held that he wasn’t all that bright. He’s an idiot, and no amount of you heaping “surprising articulate speech” on him is going to change that.

Ket: If this goes on much longer, Merv, I’m going to pop the lenses out of my glasses and dig my eyes out.

Mervin: *checks* We, uh, have two pages left.

Ket: …fuck.


“I know that this is a lot to take in, but it is important that you know about the House situation, especially the Muggleborns.

Mervin: He still hasn’t explained the honestly prejudiced ones yet, and the ones who actually are children of known Death Eaters.

Ket: That would take away from their sparkly, happy image.


Any students who are either Muggleborn or are unfamiliar with our world will meet here,

Mervin: …sounds like they’re already prejudiced to me, segregating out the others.

in the Common Room, in the morning at seven.

Mervin: Classes can just go to hell.

Ket: *Snort* Like kids ever go to class in these fics? Unless it’s to seduce Snape, I mean.


We’ll set up meetings to help introduce you to our world and our culture.

Mervin: If I recall, Harry didn’t have this advantage and he got along just fine.

Ket: Harry had friends and a metric buttload of money, though.

Mervin: So does Holly—more friends than Harry, in any case. And really, what I want to know is how all this hand-holding fosters cunning and ambition—I always thought it was more sink or swim in Slytherin House.


Also, we’ll be scheduling some tutoring since students from magical families will have a bit of a head start.”

He grinned faintly and went on, “On another note, I have to say that much of our somewhat dubious status is based on the fact that we’re ambitious and cunning. And, yes, we all are, but this doesn’t mean that we all lust for power. We’re ambitious, but for most of us, that simply means we are goal oriented or wish to succeed in life. We have the drive to use our gifts and be the best that we can be.”

Mervin: Okay, I had to leave that little speech in its entirety. Allow me to point out something this author apparently missed. No, not all Slytherins are evil. But ambition is a big Slytherin trait, and therefore people who tend to be nasty and willing to do anything to get ahead are generally attracted to Slytherin. And the author appears to have completely missed that very important fact.

Ket: Slytherins generally embody sophism, as anyone who's read the books would know…

Mervin: I’m beginning to think this person hasn’t read the books.


Marcus sighed heavily. “Some of us might be Dark, but that does not make us evil.” He shook his head and exhaled.

Mervin: So explain to me exactly what the difference is between Dark Wizard and evil. JK made it pretty clear who was on the bad guy’s side and who wasn’t, you know. Except Snape, of course.

Ket: Oh, there is a difference between dark and evil. I am dark. Bellatrix was evil. They are just weenies.


“Now, I believe that Professor Snape, our head of House, would like to say a few things.”

Mervin: If McGonagall didn’t say anything to the First Years of Gryffindor, you cannot make me believe that Snape would bother saying anything to the First Years of Slytherin. He hates children.

Ket: (Snape): I’ll keep this brief, unlike the rest of you bloody pillocks who said that. Shut up, do your homework, and don’t piss me off. That is all.


The towering and somewhat menacing professor stepped from the shadows near the secondary entrance to the Common Room.

Mervin: It’s a blank wall! How do you step from the shadows of a blank wall?! This isn’t a Snape-the-Vampire story, is it?

Ket: … *takes her glasses off and starts working the lenses out*


He caught a few of the first-years by surprise because they had not noticed him earlier.

Mervin: But not Holly, of course, because she’s just that awesome. Her House being Slytherin makes that much obvious, doesn’t it?

I think I’ll get back to scripting, then. The Suethor’s off the soapbox. Well, not exactly. She’ll never truly be off the soapbox.

Ket: This entire chapter should have ended up on the cutting room floor.

Mervin: At least you didn’t put your own eyes out, Ket.

Ket: No, not yet.




And thus ends the sporking. Back to scripting. I can’t tell if that’s good or bad.

Snape: Greetings, my new Slytherins, and welcome to our House. I trust that you shall uphold the House dignity and honour. I expect you to behave in a manner befitting your status and station as Slytherins. You will most definitely not like what will happen to you should I discover any rule breaking or marauding. *looked specifically at Holly, as though he expected her to perform a random act of disobedience then and there*

Me: See how subtle he is in her story, folks?

Snape: Solidarity is not just for Gryffindors. Intelligence is not just for Ravenclaws. Loyalty is not just for Hufflepuffs.

Me: Snape…shut up. You’re OOC, and you really need to take a nap. I mean, you’re trying to steal other Houses’ qualities. That’s just plain rude, and so not in your character, particularly when it comes to Gryffindor—you hate Gryffindor.

Holly: And now we go to our dormitories. How splendid they are. Much better than stinky Gryffindor, I’m sure.

Long, convoluted, and stupid discussion of who gets to sleep where ending in Holly getting the corner for added angst: *is convoluted and stupid*

Holly: *last thoughts as slumber overtook her were about how much Hogwarts, and more specifically Slytherin, seemed like home*

Author: SEE??!!! SHE’S AT HOME IN SLYTHERIN, THAT MAKES HER MORE AWESOME THAN HARRY!!!


And now, to spork the final A/N.

AN: This is not going to be a Snape mentors Holly fic,

Well, thank God for small fa—

at least not for a few years.

…vors. Never mind.

In this story, Snape will be a bastard and stay a bastard for a good length of time.

I’d love to see what you interpret to mean a bastard, really.

He’s a spy and a Death Eater, so he can’t suddenly be nice to Holly.

Tell that to the Snapefen.

He will be mean to her, but it won’t really be in front of the other Houses,

I see.

to them he will appear neutral about her or will just ignore her, and his mistreatment of her will be mostly in private.

Mmhmm. So, already you’ve lessened the blow that Harry got when it came to Snape, as Snape berated him constantly in front of everybody.

Further, he despised her father and godfathers; no matter how badly she is treated by her relatives, when Snape finds out he won’t suddenly make nice with her.

Meaning he will find out all about how abused she was by her relatives. Probably because Holly wails about it loudly to everyone who’d listen. And by “won’t suddenly make nice with her,” do you mean he won’t be kind and sweet, or just won’t abuse her as much?

However, he’s still her Head of House, so it is his duty to protect her, especially from the other students and teachers. (Author steps off her soapbox.)

Honey, you haven’t stepped off the soapbox. You are going to stand on that soapbox for the whole goddamned fic.

Also, on another note, there is a specific reason as to why I made the Slytherin dorms in hall, not Tower, fashion.

BECAUSE IT’S CANON, YOU IDIOT!!!! DON’T YOU DARE TAKE CREDIT FOR JKR’S WORK!!!!

Also, the portraits in the hall and the way the beds are arranged will be important later on.

Um, yay?

And I know that I went a little crazy with all the extra OCs and students I added, but I just wanted to emphasise that Holly is not like Harry and will have more than just two friends.

(Author): *pompously* Because she’s better. Not to mention more likeable than that asshat, Harry.

Holly will also know and have connections with people from other Houses, like any good Slytherin should.

Uh-huh. Tell that to the other Slytherins. If I recall, Slytherin was the most insular house there was. You just want to make her that much better than Harry, and have it be all froo-froo la-la land where Holly’s friends with people from all Houses and it’s very sweet and loving and she’s just friends with everybody, because she’s that awesome. I’m not fooled.

See you guys in chapter 6.


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