Here's the post that keeps all the chapters linked so you can access them easily without sifting through all the other crap on my LJ.

Mass Disclaimer: I do not own any of the fics I spork on this LiveJournal, nor at any other communities I happen to post the sporkings. I am simply sporking to criticize the work in my own fashion. The fics themselves are the properties of those who originally wrote them and posted them online, thus making them public domain for anyone who wishes to criticize them in any fashion they like.

The fandoms in which I spork do not belong to me, either. They belong to their respective creators, producers, publishers, etc.

I do not own the series Twilight. It is the property of Stephenie Meyer.

Agent Sands does not belong to me--he is the property of Robert Rodriguez and Johnny Depp.

Professor Snape does not belong to me--he is the property of JK Rowling. We simply borrow those two from time to time to spork some particularly bad material.

Just here for the sporks?
Try das_sporking

*Note that certain links will lead you to das_sporking; all sporkings will eventually be moved to the sporking community*
SPORKS

( The Ariana Black Series )
( The Hogwarts Exposed Series )
( The Sues of Gethsemane Butler )
( Standing My Ground )
( Child of Grace )
( Twilight )
( Movie Review: Twilight )
( Midnight Sun (By Mrs. Hyde) )
( New Moon )
( Movie Review: New Moon )
( Eclipse )
( The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner )

FICS

( The Wedding Crashers )
( Mrs. Hyde's Twilight Revamp )

Mrs. Hyde and I are dragon owners at Dragon Cave. Help our dragons hatch, grow, and stay alive by clicking on them. Thank you!





Das Mervin ♥ Mrs. Hyde

For You, I Will.

Heed the warnings on that. Cranked it out over two days with a lot of collaboration between myself and gehayi. Credit goes to her for the idea--I don't think I or anybody else really considered the OTHER side of imprinting.

Kids, don't imprint. It's just bad all around.

Alternate Title: Thank God for the Occasional Nice Person.

So, this Thanksgiving, I'd decided to be a little untraditional. Instead of a pumpkin pie, I was really just craving a classic confetti (IT'S A PARAAAAADE!) cake with sprinkle vanilla frosting. So, I was gonna make one. I am also a simple creature, so Betty Crocker would be aiding me. I wanted to make the cake tonight so I could focus solely on my Thanksgiving feast tomorrow. I go up tonight to start my cake and pull out the cooking oil. I see it's very low because mom had made a rum cake before me, but it looks like half a cup.

No. Just shy by probably an eighth of a cup.

Well, shit.

I'm irritated and cranky now. It's just one of those things that strikes you and irritates you. I lash out at mom and she understandably bitches right back at me, but I go stomping out to my car anyway and head off to Wal-Mart to get myself just a bottle of vegetable cooking oil. That's all I want, that's all I need. We good? We're good.

On the way over, I turn on the radio and absolutely nothing is on. The two stations that aren't cycling ads are playing sucky songs. I turn the radio off, my mental bitching dialing up a few notches again. I get to Wal-Mart, go in my usual entrance, head up my usual aisle, and about that time I discover I've been driving with my brights on by accident the whole time. Sheepishly, I turn them off, now feeling cranky and like a jerk. I make a turn to go down the next row when some JACKASS nearly head-ons me going the wrong fucking way. I'm the one who has to swerve and slam on the brakes while he just merrily keeps going, and now I'm full-on angry as I drive past him. He turns out right behind me and then, right there in the parking lot, starts trying to go around me and nearly runs me into a goddamned pole in his hurry to get up on the sidewalk to park and do whatever it is he needs to do, the asshole. The situation is not helped by pedestrians littering my path to a parking space who appear to be contemplating the beauty of the stars as they amble aimlessly in front of my car.

By the time I find a space, I am fucking pissed. I'm slamming my door, I'm muttering under my breath, because goddamn, all I want is some stupid cooking oil. I stomp inside, barely nodding to the greeter, and of course, the night before Thanksgiving, the place is crowded. I gird my loins and dive in. Well, it's crowded, yes, but it is crowded by rude assholes. I'm doing an elaborate dance all the way to the sweets aisle as I dodge baskets and people who refuse to yield. Yes, every asshole in Oklahoma decided to convene on my Wal-Mart tonight. This is just fucking peachy.

When I finally get to my aisle, it's naturally crowded and for some reason is the only aisle in the whole store with a huge pile of boxes in the middle of it. SPECTACULAR. I make my way to where I need to be and parked right in front of the spot with all of the cooking oils is a woman holding two shopping carts. One is blocking the left side of travel and the other is blocking the right side of travel as she argues with her daughter about whether or not they should all go together to look for whatever shit they need or if they should go separately. They argue about this for thirty seconds, not moving, blocking everything, ignoring the way I am staring rather obviously at the exact spot her ass is in front of. They finally move and I grab the oil.

At this point, "Break Stuff" is playing at top volume in my head and I'm not so much carrying the oil as much as I am holding it like a weapon because I swear to God I am about to kill someone. I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME FUCKING OIL AND MAKE A FUCKING CAKE. IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK? GODDAMMIT. Again, I dance through the store because people are assholes, and natch, all of the (few) lanes open are stuffed full. "FUCK IT," I snarl internally and just pick a random lane. It's not even an express, but I couldn't give a rat's ass. I'm sitting there next to the beef jerky, fuming, and there are two people in front of me. One of them is about halfway done scanning her items and the other is getting ready to put all of hers on the counter--she's got a pretty full basket, too, so it's gonna be a wait. I see her glance back at me, and then she goes, "Ma'am?"

I look up, probably looking like I'm about to shank an infant, and she just says, "You go on ahead of me."

I blink. "Really? You're sure?"

"Yeah, you only have the one item."

"Oh, thank you so much!" I zip up and set it down, and the lady in front of me gets her stuff scanned quickly and pays easily. I'm up next, get my one item checked out, pay with a five, and thank the woman behind me once more for her kindness. Then I zip easily out of the store, get to my car, hop in, and turn it on just in time to hear "Come Sail Away" start up and I sing along to it all the way back to the house.

And that is how a random act of kindness prevented me from considering vehicular homicide on my way home from Wal-Mart to get some cooking oil for my Thanksgiving cake.

Happy Thanksgiving indeed.

My set for sprntrl20in20! This was an anniversary round, so more icons than usual. I had fun with this one, though I do notice I did…a lot of them in a very similar style. Well, screw it. I like cropping and coloring that way.

As always, feel free to take what you want. Credit is always nice, but not required.

Warnings: Some blood and spoilers for episode one of season seven.

( 31 icons instead of 20! )

Really, all I could say on this one is that it actually has been ten years and that didn't really hit me until I wrote that as my subject header.

Everyone is saying where they were. I was in school. Nobody would tell us what was happening. Nobody would let the teachers turn on the TV. We were kept in the dark. I didn't even know both towers were gone and destroyed until three-thirty in the afternoon. I didn't even know it was terrorists until after lunch. I didn't know about the other two planes until four. I've never quite forgiven my high school for that. I was in elementary school when the Murrah Federal Building got bombed--and I actually did hear that explosion when it happened, despite living thirty minutes away. We didn't watch the news, but they paused class and a teacher came in, explained what had happened, and did their best to make sure we weren't clueless and to let anyone who might have had family in the area go call said family to try and see if they were all right. I was nine.

My high school actively forbade the teachers from telling anyone what was happening. Some kids left class in a panic when they found out what happened through second-hand knowledge because they had family or friends in New York and didn't know what was happening.

I remember crying. I remember crying the most when hearing the news about Flight 93. I still cry when I think about that one enough.

I remember the few months of intense focus and unity we all had, and then I remember the rapid spiral right back into the splintered mess of "IT'S THE DEMOCRATS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TRAGEDY" vs "IT'S THE REPUBLICANS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TRAGEDY", and I remember the random finger-pointing and my general disgust for it all. And that last bit is why I am going to spend this day at home, avoiding television and news sites, and being alone in my own quiet reflection.

What have I been doing the past couple of days? Languishing under the effects of strep. The whole clinic tested positive, but due to a mix-up I didn’t get my bactrim as fast as everyone else did. Couple that with my propensity to get infected with lung and throat infections (I get pharyngitis every year, as well as flu and laryngitis)? Yeah, wham-bam.

So, what better way to spend your time than to write some fic, eh? This is an idea that has been kicked around over at das_sporking for quite a while now, and I finally just sat down and wrote it. Hope you like it!

---

Title: Bellial
Author: Das Mervin
Beta: Mrs. Hyde
Fandom(s): Twilight/Supernatural
Genre: AU/Drama/Supernatural
Word Count: 4,100
Rating: PG for thematic elements
Summary: I need you, Bella. I cannot do this without you. It’s destiny. We were meant to be. Trust me.
Author’s Note: Remember all of those stupid symbolic dreams of symbology in New Moon? Remember Edward’s voice in her head telling her to stop endangering herself? Remember that metaphorical hole she was always talking about? Yeah, here is my little crossover AU explanation of them, seeing as we never got a satisfactory answer for them. Not to mention a nice little slap in the face to Bella’s whining and entitlement issues. Enjoy.
Spoilers: Spoilers for Season 5 of “Supernatural”.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Twilight Saga. It is the property of Stephenie Meyer and Little, Brown and Company. I do not own the television series “Supernatural”. It is the property of the CW Network and Kripke Enterprises.

( Bellial )

Oof. Heavens, I am late with these. But just got 'em submitted! I feel terrible. I also feel rushed. But, hey. They're okay. I'm happy with 'em.

Usual warnings, some blood and spoilers for everything and all that jazz.

ONE MONTH UNTIL SEASON SEVEN. WHOOOOOOOO.

( Let's get something straight. Castiel was never in Dean's ass. )

Title: Writing on the Wall (5/5)
Author: Das Mervin and Mrs. Hyde
Betas: gehayi and kermit_thefrog
Fandom: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Family
Word Count: 5,620
Rating: R for language, themes, and sexuality (SLASH)
Spoilers: Through the SPN Season 6 finale
Summary: The writing was on the wall. And now Dean just had to understand it. Set vaguely post-Season 7.
Author’s Notes: And scene. Final chapter. Big thank-you to our betas, as always, for being patient and prompt and all good things a beta should be. A big thank-you to Mrs. Hyde for indulging me and letting me get out of hand for once. And the biggest thank-you goes to our readers. Love you guys!
Disclaimer: “Supernatural” is the property of Kripke Enterprises and Warner Bros. Television, and no profit is being made from this work and no copyright infringement is intended.

( Writing on the Wall: Part V – Life Still Goes On )

Title: Writing on the Wall (4/5)
Author: Das Mervin and Mrs. Hyde
Betas: gehayi and kermit_thefrog
Fandom: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Family
Word Count: 17,630
Rating: R for language, themes, and sexuality (SLASH)
Spoilers: Through the SPN Season 6 finale
Summary: The writing was on the wall. And now Dean just had to understand it. Set vaguely post-Season 7.
Author’s Notes: This chapter is very long. Split in two parts again. Just a small warning as well—yes, there are a few instances of what could be considered non-PC gender issues, but this is Dean Winchester, and it’s just his characterization, okay? Oh, this is also where the R rating comes from. Just so you know.
Disclaimer: “Supernatural” is the property of Kripke Enterprises and Warner Bros. Television, and no profit is being made from this work and no copyright infringement is intended.

( Writing on the Wall: Part IV – Nothing Ever Goes as Planned )

Title: Writing on the Wall (3/5)
Author: Das Mervin and Mrs. Hyde
Betas: gehayi and kermit_thefrog
Fandom: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Family
Word Count: 5,260
Rating: R for language, themes, and sexuality (SLASH)
Spoilers: Through the SPN Season 6 finale
Summary: The writing was on the wall. And now Dean just had to understand it. Set vaguely post-Season 7.
Author’s Notes: First chapter from Dean’s POV now. Yes, he’s still being a bitch.
Disclaimer: “Supernatural” is the property of Kripke Enterprises and Warner Bros. Television, and no profit is being made from this work and no copyright infringement is intended.

( Writing on the Wall: Part III – Dazed and Confused )

Title: Writing on the Wall (2/5)
Author: Das Mervin and Mrs. Hyde
Betas: gehayi and kermit_thefrog
Fandom: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Family
Word Count: 12,070
Rating: R for language, themes, and sexuality (SLASH)
Spoilers: Through the SPN Season 6 finale
Summary: The writing was on the wall. And now Dean just had to understand it. Set vaguely post-Season 7.
Author’s Notes: Hey, guys. Notice anything about this part? Oh, yeah. The word count is ridiculous. Yeah, it goes over the LJ word limits. As such, part two is in two parts, but I am posting them at the same time. Be sure to read them in the right order. Part II’s title is from the Led Zeppelin song “Communication Breakdown”. Anyway—let us go back in time! Let us find out what happened that night and why Sam had to talk Dean down, hmm? Believe me—it’s probably not what you think.
Disclaimer: “Supernatural” is the property of Kripke Enterprises and Warner Bros. Television, and no profit is being made from this work and no copyright infringement is intended.

( Writing on the Wall: Part II – Communication Breakdown )

Okay, so, first off? Thank you so much for everyone's thoughts and prayers for C. They apparently worked wonders. Mrs. Hyde and I are really, really grateful for it.

So, update time.

Full extent of the injuries received?

--Internal bleeding with his kidneys and liver
--Some bleeding in his brain that stopped quickly
--Concussion
--Broken chest plate
--Completely pulverized arm and shoulder

I'm guessing he landed on the last one, and that's why it got it worst. We're talking basically mush. Makes sense, considering I found out he fell seventy feet. He's gonna be in surgery all day today while they do extensive reconstruction on him. He's gonna be in ICU for two weeks, probably.

But he's alive, and we can only hope his insane luck--the luck that somehow made sure he didn't break his neck or his spine or die from that fall--holds out.

Exactly what it says on the title.

One of Mrs. Hyde's friends that she works with in the lab went rock climbing this weekend and fell. He had to be airlifted out of the area to the nearest hospital. He's stable and came out of surgery okay and it looks like his spine and skull are intact, but he's got a concussion and many broken bones. Any thoughts or prayers you could give him would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Hello, dears. I come bearing Hyde!Fic. Specifically, Hyde!Gift!Fic. To me, because I am Special.

Okay, so, you guys know I ship Dean/Cas, and Season Six made me ship them ridiculously. However, the problem with it is that I ship them in a…very weird way. To the point that there is almost zero fic out there that I’ve seen and that I like. It’s all too sappy, too sexual, too explicit, too feathery, too anything. I’m that picky about them. The only fic I’ve ever really read that was the perfect Dean/Cas for me was Hyde’s fic “Vide Cor Meum”, and that wasn’t even technically a Dean/Cas fic!

However, Hyde and I started talking, lamenting that the main reason so much of that fic does nothing for us is because it feels so OOC. The main problem with the fic is that is just isn’t inclusive—so many of them suffer from a case of “the only way to revel in our epic love is to exclude all others” (that, and both Dean and Cas are schmoopy, drippy messes and it’s absolutely revolting). There are usually two ways the D/C shippers do this.

A) They pair Sam off with some other guy.
B) They make Sam an evil, hateful homophobe for conflict and excuse to write him out because he’s EVIL, and nobody wants to be around him.

Combine that with a long discussion that went on over at das_sporking about how we are not the only ones who would love to see a D/C fic where Sam is perfectly okay with it and loves and supports them both about it?

BAM. I come up to Hyde’s place and she presents me with GIFT!FIC! Even better? It’s ostensibly D/C but in reality is an epic spitefic that shows just how awesome my Sammy Winchester is. So, while it’s a gift!fic for me, I have to share it with you guys because everyone else wanted this, too.

This filled me with such squee, even though it ships D/C a little more explicitly than I usually take, and I hope it does the same for you. Seriously—I love this fic. I command you to read it! Take it away, Hyde.

---

Title: Writing on the Wall
Author: Mrs. Hyde
Beta: das_mervin
Fandom: Supernatural
Genre: Family/Comfort
Word Count: 3,815
Rating: PG-13. There’s D/C by necessity, but it’s purely in the background; this is a Sam&Dean fic.
Spoilers: Through the SPN Season 6 finale
Summary: Sam deals with his brother’s relationship with Castiel. Set vaguely post-Season 7.
Author’s Notes: This is another one of my own brand of patented Hyde-style reconstructionist spitefics. Inspired by all those crap stories wherein Dean and Cas get together and Sam suddenly turns into a raging, intolerant homophobe who renounces his brother in the name of pointless drama and so they have an excuse to cut Sam completely out of their lives so they can have soppy manlove in private. This is my defense of Sammy, in a take on what would really happen in such a scenario, as discussed here by all you guys in Mervin’s spork of “Because God Commanded It.”
Disclaimer: “Supernatural” is the property of Kripke Enterprises and Warner Bros. Television, and no profit is being made from this work and no copyright infringement is intended.

( Writing on the Wall )

Part two, guys. Hope it was worth the tease. *blows kisses*

---

Title: Auto Erotica (Part II)
Author: Das Mervin (And with significant contributions from Mrs. Hyde, because I have a very disturbing block with Consensual Het Missionary. Quit looking at me like that.)
Beta: Mrs. Hyde, gehayi, and kermit_thefrog
Rating: NC-17 for language and strong sexual content
Word Count: 12,365
Summary: Leah decides to take a couple of the Cullen cars out for a joyride…
Disclaimer: I do not own “Supernatural”. It is the property of CW and Kripke Enterprises. I do not known Twilight. It is the property of Stephenie Meyer.

( Auto Erotica (Part II) )

Remember that meme I did, where I posted excerpts from my WIPs? Remember there was one titled “Auto Erotica”?

Yeah. This is “Auto Erotica”. And, as per usual, it got a bit out of hand, so it’s going to be posted in two parts. This one now, second part in the morning. I’d wanted it to be in one post, but, well. You know how we are. This is just me posting something to fill the gap we have before the S6 finale, which will undoubtedly result in much flailing and sobbing, so we must have fun before we all die, right?

I am not sorry for this. In fact, I’m positively gleeful about it. Enjoy, folks.

---

Title: Auto Erotica (Part I)
Author: Das Mervin (And with significant contributions from Mrs. Hyde, because I have a very disturbing block with Consensual Het Missionary. Quit looking at me like that.)
Beta: Mrs. Hyde, gehayi, and kermit_thefrog
Fandom(s): Supernatural/Twilight
Rating: NC-17 for language and strong sexual content
Word Count: 12,365
Summary: Leah decides to take a couple of the Cullen cars out for a joyride…
Author’s Note: ( Cue my very long A/N! )
Disclaimer: I do not own “Supernatural”. It is the property of CW and Kripke Enterprises. I do not known Twilight. It is the property of Stephenie Meyer.

( Auto Erotica (Part I) )

New plan indeed. What’s the plan? Find out tomorrow.